(no subject)
wow i feel so awful i don't even know where to start the description.
but i bet that's just me being tired. watching friends was helping for a while.
and seriously i don't want anyone to read this but i need to let it out.
i wanted it on tumblr, but you know, however slight the chance is, i don't feel safe there.
i hate the drama, i think we'll falling apart. it's not that i don't share anything anymore, the main issue is that i don't want to share anything anymore. ever since the shit from last week, i'm numb. i push all the bad thoughts aside, tagged as "doesn't matter", but don't let myself believe the good ones, tagged "won't happen". she counted all the scenarios she wants to rp and i wasn't looking forward to them. in fact, my only reaction was "when do you think that will happen, everything takes us ages and we rp like two hours every four days now, those are never going to happen" - and of course, i didn't type it as i always would. she says she'll find time but i don't believe she will, not even sugartalk works anymore. i was beginning to worry i would start to feel like sherlock did a year ago, just recently when i remembered that no, they were never really happy with john in the rp. and that john would break his promises all the time. i don't think i can trust her anymore. i don't know how pathetic that must sound, 's the last thing i care atm.
tl;dr: i didn't feel happy rp-ing tonight. which is... huge.
and i don't want to share my headcanon on jame even though i've been thinking it through for a year.
still got mostly nothing, still feels like i'm just gonna suck and be laughed at if i type it out.
or not even laughed. i'll just be a disappointment. no one even cares about the character anyway. my bb.
and i've never had this problem before, because i always told myself, it's brit, it doesn't matter how much you suck, no one's judging it's just you two, friends, equal, enjoying yourselves. i don't know how that changed. i don't want to change, it was who i am.
EDIT: I know I have no right to tell you you can't know how it feels, but it wasn't just some friendship to me.
Also I'm so tired. I miss playing Sherlock, childish and difficult and rude, and still feel loved. Mycroft, on the other hand... I'm so tired of playing what I'm not, struggling to be adult, responsible, pretending to be alright when I'm not, stay pleasant when I'd much rather punch the person talking, smiling despite I'm incredibly upset... trying to balance that and some selfishness for own happiness and still feel so alone, distant and unloved.
And I hate how he's rubbed off on me. And I lost the ability to play the Sherlock I'd been a year ago anymore.