Everyone knows I'm in over my head.
There are so many memories tied up in me. At times, like now, they are kicking and screaming and begging for me to relive them. To rehash them. And it's the little things. As I have said many times before. It's the little things that get me. My initials. The tear in the mattress. The absence of you. Your smell on over 50 pages of white paper. I'm afriad if I smell it too much it'll disappear. Like the roses did. And that just when I need to breathe you in the most, I won't be able to. I miss with such an ache. I keep asking myself, when will I get over this? And this. And this. Not just you...but this. This whole ache inside of me. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. But much harder than you did. I'm destroying myself. I'm pretending. I'm afraid other people, the people I want least to see, will notice. They will find me out. They won't understand. They won't see that I'm falling. They will only see what damage I've done on my way down. They will forget I am falling. I will crash. I'm tired. Tired of living. I'm ready to go Home. I'm ready to stop. I know what it feels like now to exhaust yourself of life. This is not admirable. I am not admirable. I only tell myself the truth because it allows me some bit of dignity. It lets me know I'm not gone completely. In some ways it lets me justify all of _____. I hate hearing my mom's voice on the phone. It's probably guilt. I'm supposed to be a good kid. I'm screwing up. I'm letting her down. I keep listening to this one song on repeat. Because it fits.
I want to call you. No. I want you to call me. I want to tell you that, this hurts. But that I've thought about it. And. I know you love me. I know that you will always love me. If only as a memory. A memory of love. As I will you. I know I could have had you again. I know I didn't choose you. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. I just can't watch you be happy with her. So, yes, I'm running. It's hard. Because. Because you were.are.still. my best friend. I could tell you
anything. almost anything.
except how bad it hurts inside. I want to be fair. I want to quit school. I want to quit. Everything.
I'm becoming a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's effortless.
I want to call you. No. I want you to call me. I want to tell you that, this hurts. But that I've thought about it. And. I know you love me. I know that you will always love me. If only as a memory. A memory of love. As I will you. I know I could have had you again. I know I didn't choose you. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. I just can't watch you be happy with her. So, yes, I'm running. It's hard. Because. Because you were.are.still. my best friend. I could tell you
anything. almost anything.
except how bad it hurts inside. I want to be fair. I want to quit school. I want to quit. Everything.
I'm becoming a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's effortless.