4th with the fam
I should be asleep right now since I have to get up at 6am. I am going to Spokane tomorrow to visit my roots. I was less than thrilled to have to pack again. You would think that it would be a breeze cuz I could just repack everything I brought to San Francisco. I didn't realize right away what my problem was. The fact is, I am NOT completely comfortable being ME with my parents. It's not that I wasn't ever me before. It's just...my mother wasn't really ever pleased with the way I looked. She's always liked who I am on the inside, but not so much how I appear on the outside. This has been ongoing since I can remember, I'm talking about before I even knew what being gay was.
Originally I was confused. I thought gay meant you had self respect, you weren't interested in marrying some guy, you wanted to be independent, you had no desire to dress up to please boys, you were a tomboy and played sports with the guys; Because I was the only gay person I knew, I thought that's what gay was. I wander if the femme lesbians have an easier time spotting themselves than I do spotting them. Anyhow, this digression was meant to go; I don't know what the fuck I should pack, A) to please my family and B)to please myself. I know I should probably prioritize B over A since it's so superficial anyway, but I just don't want to embarrass my family...and I just want to be myself. I don't "dress like a guy, I dress like someone who wants to feel comfortable. I never realized that being comfortable would make me look gay. Unfashionable maybe, but I certainly wasn't trying to look gay or like a boy. I did't see how NOT trying to get fucked by some guy by wearing some uncomfortable skimpy outfit was such a bad thing. I have become somewhat of a hypocritical person since then, since now I spend a lot of vain time trying to look fuckable to girls. When I was younger I put a lot of thought into not wanting to grow up to be someone who did not know their worth. I didn't, and still dont, want to get ahead with my body. History reveals that that was the only path available to women for along time. Fortunately the exceptional few blazed a wider trail for me.
I have so much more to say about my fears. I miss my family. The only person I'm scared of seeing is my dad. He was a hero to me. Most heroes don't know their fans. I wander how most fans would handle it, if their heroes really knew them... and thought of them as perverted losers. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to tell my dad how he makes me feel. And I don't because I just want to make him proud. Unfortunately I already know that who I am will never make him proud. Sometimes I want to tell him because I hate that he instilled self hatred in me. I was ready to die when I was 17, because I didn't want to fuck up. But suicide was just as sinful as being gay. Of the two plausible choices, I had a preference. So here I am 27 and still trying to please my parents. What the fuck
One of my favorite parts in "the...wallflower" was that part about it's ok to be sad even if there are people starving in China. I always feel guilty for feeling sad because I'm sure other people have it worse. But it's true, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. I guess I just needed to hear from someone else that it's ok to feel the way I do.
I still want to hear Noam Chompsky and Arin Dati Roy, and speaker's of a movement...and I wan't to be part of that movement for "the betterment of mankind". But sometimes, I just need a second to breath and feel.
Originally I was confused. I thought gay meant you had self respect, you weren't interested in marrying some guy, you wanted to be independent, you had no desire to dress up to please boys, you were a tomboy and played sports with the guys; Because I was the only gay person I knew, I thought that's what gay was. I wander if the femme lesbians have an easier time spotting themselves than I do spotting them. Anyhow, this digression was meant to go; I don't know what the fuck I should pack, A) to please my family and B)to please myself. I know I should probably prioritize B over A since it's so superficial anyway, but I just don't want to embarrass my family...and I just want to be myself. I don't "dress like a guy, I dress like someone who wants to feel comfortable. I never realized that being comfortable would make me look gay. Unfashionable maybe, but I certainly wasn't trying to look gay or like a boy. I did't see how NOT trying to get fucked by some guy by wearing some uncomfortable skimpy outfit was such a bad thing. I have become somewhat of a hypocritical person since then, since now I spend a lot of vain time trying to look fuckable to girls. When I was younger I put a lot of thought into not wanting to grow up to be someone who did not know their worth. I didn't, and still dont, want to get ahead with my body. History reveals that that was the only path available to women for along time. Fortunately the exceptional few blazed a wider trail for me.
I have so much more to say about my fears. I miss my family. The only person I'm scared of seeing is my dad. He was a hero to me. Most heroes don't know their fans. I wander how most fans would handle it, if their heroes really knew them... and thought of them as perverted losers. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to tell my dad how he makes me feel. And I don't because I just want to make him proud. Unfortunately I already know that who I am will never make him proud. Sometimes I want to tell him because I hate that he instilled self hatred in me. I was ready to die when I was 17, because I didn't want to fuck up. But suicide was just as sinful as being gay. Of the two plausible choices, I had a preference. So here I am 27 and still trying to please my parents. What the fuck
One of my favorite parts in "the...wallflower" was that part about it's ok to be sad even if there are people starving in China. I always feel guilty for feeling sad because I'm sure other people have it worse. But it's true, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. I guess I just needed to hear from someone else that it's ok to feel the way I do.
I still want to hear Noam Chompsky and Arin Dati Roy, and speaker's of a movement...and I wan't to be part of that movement for "the betterment of mankind". But sometimes, I just need a second to breath and feel.