(no subject)
i have to fucking do something with my life and fast. i'm dying here in b.f.e. i don't want to live here for an extended period of time so i feel like i'm wasting most of my energy building a clientel somewhere i don't want to be. i want to live where there are interesting people...where i have company that shares my interests...i'm sick of being the "weird interesting goofy girl" here. my trip this past week gave me some sort of new found freedom. for once i did what i want when it concerned jarret, ash, and myself. i finally made me own fucking decisions...i didn't let anyone talk me out of it. i feel like i turned over a new leaf...this week also brought me closer to ashley. i gotta get out of my mothers house if i want to feel in control of my situation. i feel like i'm going to drown here. i hate money by the way...i hate it. i hate social status...i'm starting to hate religion...all of these things have at one point or are currently holding me back from happiness. i don't want ash to grow up fearing my or my opinion...i don't want him to be held back b/c of what i believe or what the majority of the people around him belive...whether it be religious or political views...i want him to grow up making himself happy...of course i want to make him happy too...but i damnit i don't even know i'm rambling all my thoughts...but the point of all this is ashley and i have to get out of here as fast as possible...i'm looking for grants and assistance right now.