Survey fun...
Eating Disorder Survey
*The Basics*
Name:: "isabelle" (like I'd tell you my real name!)
Sex:: female
Birthday:: Oct
Age:: 29
Location:: Seattle
Hair Color:: Brown
Eye Color:: Blue
*My Eating Disorder*
What Eating Disorders Do You Have:: anorexia, specifically purging anorexia (restriction, purging via exercise)
How Long Have You Had Them:: Started when I was 14, restricted food all through Junior High and High School. Went to college, became vegan restricted more. Came home, met a boy, numbed out for a few years. Then he broke up with me and I went into an anorexia furry in 2000. Got sent to inpatient treatment in 2001. Recovered for a few years, relapsed in 2005 and again in April, more recently this shit really went downhill in July.
Why Do You Have An Eating Disorder:: $10,000 question. I know that bad things that happened to me in the past made me predisposed to it, and pressure from my family and friends to be perfect (and myself) didnt help either. I have it now because I think I feel powerful, like I have the ability to do anything. I also hate myself and want to punish myself for that bad person I really am. To control things, to hurt me, to say fuck you to people that hurt me and to say fuck you to myself.
Are You Proud or Ashamed of Your Eating Disorder:: both, I feel very accomplished when I restrict or resist food, I feel very accomplished when I go to the gym, when the numbers drop, when I can feel bones. Bones are very much the braille for my hands, the way I read my body.
Do People Know About Your Eating Disorder:: Some do, some are completely oblivious, some I keep in the dark. I think because "I should know better" that Im ashamed of it and embarrased that I cant keep my shit together. If I go to treatment I'll be embarrased that I "failed" at anorexia.
Do You Wish People Knew About it:: I dont mind, but I want them to know the truth about it....stereotypes drive me nuts. I dont just run miles and miles all day on coffee and cocaine (I dont even do drugs). I do eat, I just really really restrict, and no, its not just about being thin. Its about making goals and punishing myself for not reaching them or for being the bad person I really am (if people knew my secrets they'd starve me too...)
Do You Wish You Never Had An Eating Disorder:: I wish now I never had it, but i think it did make me into the person I am today and give me some qualities, good and bad, that I probably wouldnt have had without it. Ive always had her, she's been with me and is partially ingrained in me, Im not sure how I would have turned out if I hadnt gone through it all.
Do You Think The Media is Partially Responsible For Your Eating Disorder:: no. I never have felt like I needed to look like someone to be accepted or perfect. I think it may play a part in other girl's disorder though.
*My Body*
Weight Before Eating Disorder:: I dont know. I started so young, I know that I was in the middle of growing when it all hit, Ive always felt chubby and fat. I think in high school I was around 105.
Height: 5'6
Current Weight:: 115
Highest Weight:: 155
Lowest Weight:: 104
Are You Tired A lot:: not really, Im surprised I still have so much energy (everyone keeps telling me Im just going to collapse, but I dont feel that way at all)
Have You Ever Fainted:: Had a few close calls. Once I was really worried and went to the ER, my heart rate was 34. Now I just stop exercising or I grab a mint or something.
Are You Cold All The Time:: fucking YES, all the time! I have hoodies and sweatshirts and scarves...Im cooooold!
Do Your Ribs Show:: yes, doesnt help that Im pale though, lol
Do Your Hipbones Show:: not really. This is the thing that drives me the most nuts, because I dont really have big hips, so no matter how much weight I lose, I'll never have the hipbones I want to see...and that is my favorite bone to see :(
Does Your Collar Bone Show:: yes
Can You See Your Ribs Through Your Back:: Yes, although I dont have any long mirrors so I have to find things to stand on
Do Your Thighs Touch:: nope
Chest Size:: 34B
Does Your Head Look Too Big For Your Body:: i dont think so
Are You Satisfied With The Way You Look Now:: ummmm......NO! I hate my stomach, I would happily get liposuction. I think my thighs are gross as well
If You Could, What Would You Change About Yourself:: I would drop about 10lbs, have more energy, have more fullness to my cheeks, get rid of the dark circles under my eyes when I dont get enough sleep, cut off my fatass stomach
What Is Your B.M.I.:: 18.5
What Do The Doctors Say is Your Ideal Weight:: 128-138
What Do You Think Is Your Ideal Weight:: 107-110.
*My Thinspirations*
Who Are Your Thinspirations:: I dont really have any, although I like Nicole from ANTM. I think thinspirations are for some people and arent for others. Often Im jealous of the girls I see in anorexia books, like the girls in HBO's THIN, I wanted to be them sooo bad (like Ata and Jen)
Who is Your Favorite Thinspiration:: see above
Who is Your Second Favorite Thinspiration:: real life skinny people
Why Do You Envy Them:: I dont know, I have jealously and I hate it. I hate myself for wanting to be them
What's The Best Thing About Them:: How their clothes fit, how their bones stick out (how much better they look than me)
What's The Worst Thing About Them:: I dont know...I dont really know them
Would You Trade Places With Them If You Could:: Most likely
*My Mind*
Do You Consider Your Eating Disorder a 'Disorder':: Yes and no. Sometimes I think I can control it and that its my choice, but other times I feel like its a drug and Im a victim to it, but then that sounds pathetic, so I dont know. I know at some point I chose to go down this road, but once on this road someone else "the ED" is in control, and she doesnt have my best interests at heart all of the time
Are You Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia:: im pro support for those who aren't ready to accept recovery or those who are. I agree with many on this question: "I dont support wanarexics"
Would You Ever Want Your Best Friend To Have An Eating Disorder:: Hell to the no! Its a living hell, Ive had good friends in the past who went through this and it tore me to pieces. I would never wish this on anyone.
What Are Your Disordered Eating Habits:: calorie counting, exercise counting (miles, times, calories), food cutting, condiment abuse, cutting out specific food groups, safe foods, impulsive spitting (like putting something in my mouth and then suddenly spitting it out), caffeine, SF candy/gum, laxative abuse, diet pills, occasional purging (used to be a purging anorexic via exercise and vomiting...made me very sick)
Are You Obsessive Compulsive:: yes, although not a true OCD person, just habits. More obsessive than compulsive
Are You A Perfectionist:: yes, it drives me nuts so much that I cry.
Do You Have Depression:: i don't think I do, I have in the past, but now I dont feel depressed at all
Are You A Cutter:: yes, I cut often (steak knife to thighs), I used to cut on my arms and had to move it so people wouldnt catch on. I often cut my stomach because I hate it, but the deep cuts are on my legs.
Have You Ever Been Suicidal:: yes, Ive had very very intense thoughts in the past
Have You Ever Attempted Suicide:: no
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Mental Reasons:: yes, i was admitted to a psych ward in 2001 for what they thought was suicidal behavior (it was just uncontrolled cutting)
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Your Eating Disorder:: yes
Do You Have Body Dismorphic Disorder:: yes I do :(
*Your Life Outside Your Disorder*
Favorite Color:: BLUE
Favorite Movie:: There are too many for just one! One of my all-time favorites is The Neverending Story
Favorite Book:: Dont have one (I dont read books very often)
Favorite T.V. Show:: Top Chef!!!
Favorite Season:: I like fall
Favorite Day of The Week:: Wednesday (cause Top Chef is on, lol)
Favorite Time Of Day:: Evening, I like just as and just after the sun goes down.
Favorite Holiday:: Hmm, I like New Years Eve
Favorite Hobby:: Recently its been playing the piano, but other hobbies include golfing, making jewelry, gardening (veggie), painting, and listening to music. I also like to dance like a goofball and laugh
Favorite Actor:: Johnny Depp
Favorite Actress:: Jennifer Connelly
Favorite Musician:: Tori Amos
Do You Have Any Pets:: I have a bunch. I have two dogs, and a plethera of birds
What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time:: refer back to the hobbies. I also like to go to the gym, go walking down by the water, going out to movies, out for drinks, dancing. In the summer I do organic veggie gardening
*The Future*
What Do You Want To Study In College:: I finished college, I studied Cell/Molecular Biology
What Career Do You Want:: Veterinary Medicine
Do You Ever Want To Get Married:: Yes, very much so. Haha, but I have to find a man who actually like me and wants to be with me (who the fuck wants to be with this crazed pathetic psycho bitch???) Im like a pathetic puppy dog, always following people, pining for them. When will I figure it out that no one thinks Im that special, that smart, that beautiful.
Do You Ever Want Kids:: I think so...I think someday I do, just not now
Where Do You Want To Live:: Im happy in Washington, but I'd move anywhere along the West Coast, I like the water
Will You Have Any Pets:: Of course!
What Type of House Do You Want:: Nice warm/welcoming comfortable house, old fashioned, with a big yard for a garden and chickens. I'd love to live on the edge of a forest or water. Just to have my own space. A place where you could just know its ok to be as you are....spotless floors or shoes on the porch, laundry drying outside or perhaps still dirty in the hamper. A clean kitchen that shines or a sink full of dishes because we wanted to go back to bed and cuddle a bit longer. Art, I have to have art, and wacky paintings and pictures. Candles, lots of candles...
What Goals Do You Have That Are Unrelated To Your Eating Disorder:: Maybe go back to school, maybe teach. I want to learn Italian, I want to better learn how to play the piano.
What's Your Number One Priority:: well, besides losing weight and working out (which seems the obvious ED answer) work and friends. I love my friends and I want them to be happy, to not worry. I also want to be a good "mom" to my pets. I also want to volunteer more, to give back to people
How Do You Think You Will Die:: thats slightly morbid to think about...skipping it....
When Do You Think You WIll Die:: Again...um....morbid (I have fucking anxiety..stop asking questions like this!!)
Will You Be Missed By Anyone:: I would hope people miss me, but I often feel Im more of a fleeting thought or an afterthought, not really something that lasts in the mind...yeah I know, my own little pity party. Well you decided to read my fucking journal so deal with it!
Will You Have Any Regrets:: dont plan to =]
Will You Have Any Unfinished Business:: Im sure I will, but hopefully it wont fall on anyone's shoulders that I love. I would hate for others to have to come clean up my mess.
Will Your eating disorder still be affecting you?:: lets hope not, that would drive me batty!!!!
Tags: eating disorder survey