(no subject)
I love everything about fall. It feels so good. Today, I ran 1.5 miles with my dad. That is the most I ever ran. The last block we ran, I had this boost of energy and my legs were running fast and I passed my dad up but then I stopped. I stopped because my breathing and my legs were on two completely different levels. At the same time, I didn't push myself hard enough to beat my dad so I quit. That is how it is with everything I do. I always start but I never push myself hard enough to finish. I'm afraid of success. Last night, I spoke for a good half hour to Paul on the phone about everything. It felt good to talk to someone who really doesn't know me that well and explain myself. I was able to go to sleep without feeling like I was going to burst.
I'm starting to like people coming over to my house. I had an OC party with Becky, Shelly, and Randi. The whole atmosphere was warm with those girls. It was just like old times.
Yesterday, I was reading my old journal and I was so different. At that time I think I made a lot of stupid decisions and I had some stupid people that effected me and surrounded me. It seems now like i've only taken a step back with myself. Now, my surroundings are nothing but positive and it keeps me happy which is great but with myself, I haven't made any decisions, I haven't stepped up, I haven't done anything. I think i'm still the girl who cares more about everyone else but herself. It's getting old and pathetic and I need to work my way out of being so dependent. It is easy to say that you won't care about what others think of you. It is not easily done. It is scary that soon I will have to decide what college I want to go to and what I want to study. I don't know what i'm trying to get out of this except i'm just the same person as always.