ranting.
Here we are. i can finally get some quality time in my room. Pop went to the shore today...so none of his stuff is here, and i can just be me in my room... I'm really....
just fucking sad. i mean... there are a million times that i'll tell people i wanna hang out. then in waiting to do that change my mind and spend the night alone. the other day i was supposed to go to the mall with some people...and i was running late cause i had to take my mom's car and that's like a special ops kinda thing...and i got to the mall...and i changed my mind and went back home and turned my phone off and curled up in the basement.
I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore.
but I know I don't like being lied to. but i guess that's what i get for lying to others.
i just wanna die.
there are days when i feel like the most worthless human being on earth. like i'm taking up time and space that could be better used if someone else existed and i didn't. i'm a liar and a cheat and a jerk, and there are honest people or potential honest people that die every day.
there's a collage in my room that bethany and i made. i look at it and think "what a simpler time it was. i wish i could remember what it felt like to just...let go."
i was watching inside the actors studio this morning. it had morgan freedman on it. he said something like: you know how when you pick up a tool you can just tell it's the right one. he was relating it to his acting. I was talking last night about how if i never let squeaks talk me into auditioning for the wizard of oz in eighth grade, how different my life would be.
last night I had a "what if" dream.
I saw myself in high school. CSC instead of Theatre. I felt like my grades were better..which i found funny. never dating. which was strange. i felt like my alternate self was...subdued. held back. restrained. I was..not as funny...or at least not funny in the way i am now. Squeaks and I weren't friends. No Melissa, no SGMAP, no paul or mark or joe. I was hanging out with kevin doyle, jimmy and anthony. and then I was in the seminary. I believed in a god. I had hope. i had a collar.
but i'm not that man. there is no god, no hope. and i'm empty. constantly trying to fill this void in me. recently the only time i feel at peace is when i'm writing. and the few times i've played guitar lately.
i spend about 17 hours a day awake. and i waste so much of it.
i need to find out who i am. i feel like i don't have an identity of my own anymore. i feel like a conglomoration of quotes, and jokes, and fluff.
I think I've found my voice though. I did some more workshopping with Lost and the Broken monologues. I wrote a scenario for a new Star Trek series. I've got a lot floating around in my head.
i need something to happen to me very soon. because I think my being is bored. i need some excitement. something to get my blood pumping again.
or maybe i just need to smoke some weed and get laid.
just fucking sad. i mean... there are a million times that i'll tell people i wanna hang out. then in waiting to do that change my mind and spend the night alone. the other day i was supposed to go to the mall with some people...and i was running late cause i had to take my mom's car and that's like a special ops kinda thing...and i got to the mall...and i changed my mind and went back home and turned my phone off and curled up in the basement.
I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore.
but I know I don't like being lied to. but i guess that's what i get for lying to others.
i just wanna die.
there are days when i feel like the most worthless human being on earth. like i'm taking up time and space that could be better used if someone else existed and i didn't. i'm a liar and a cheat and a jerk, and there are honest people or potential honest people that die every day.
there's a collage in my room that bethany and i made. i look at it and think "what a simpler time it was. i wish i could remember what it felt like to just...let go."
i was watching inside the actors studio this morning. it had morgan freedman on it. he said something like: you know how when you pick up a tool you can just tell it's the right one. he was relating it to his acting. I was talking last night about how if i never let squeaks talk me into auditioning for the wizard of oz in eighth grade, how different my life would be.
last night I had a "what if" dream.
I saw myself in high school. CSC instead of Theatre. I felt like my grades were better..which i found funny. never dating. which was strange. i felt like my alternate self was...subdued. held back. restrained. I was..not as funny...or at least not funny in the way i am now. Squeaks and I weren't friends. No Melissa, no SGMAP, no paul or mark or joe. I was hanging out with kevin doyle, jimmy and anthony. and then I was in the seminary. I believed in a god. I had hope. i had a collar.
but i'm not that man. there is no god, no hope. and i'm empty. constantly trying to fill this void in me. recently the only time i feel at peace is when i'm writing. and the few times i've played guitar lately.
i spend about 17 hours a day awake. and i waste so much of it.
i need to find out who i am. i feel like i don't have an identity of my own anymore. i feel like a conglomoration of quotes, and jokes, and fluff.
I think I've found my voice though. I did some more workshopping with Lost and the Broken monologues. I wrote a scenario for a new Star Trek series. I've got a lot floating around in my head.
i need something to happen to me very soon. because I think my being is bored. i need some excitement. something to get my blood pumping again.
or maybe i just need to smoke some weed and get laid.