Just me, God, and Bobby D.
I need to vent. You can hate me for this, but I said I'd always be honest with you.
I wanted to give you an explanation, but when I got that cold reaction from you, I thought to myself, "why am I going to sit here wasting time giving explanations?" I never demand explanations from you. I understand the entire situation going on, and I know you have a lot of things to deal with so I don't question you as to why you don't respond to me at times, especially when I really need you and you're not around. I just understand, in fact I am grateful and filled with joy when I finally hear from you. All I ask is that you are as understanding toward me as I am with you, as patients as I have been with you, but after that reaction I see that you don't have that understanding toward me. "Whatever?!" is that how you solve your problems? Whatever? It made me feel unimportant that you can just brush me off like that.
You're not the only one going through a hard time. You just haven't had time to really grasp everything that's been going on in my life. And I don't blame you for that, I don't ask you to know everything in my life, because I understand that you have a lot of things you're facing and most of my energy has been geared toward you, in being patient and understanding that now may not be the best time for me to place all that on you, and shoving my feelings for you aside and being a friend to someone I absolutely love with all my heart. I've spent so much time worrying about you, and you can't tell me not to worry about you because it's natural for us to worry about the people we love and I'm going to worry regardless.
Every action I commit is acted on with you in mind, I think my actions out very carefully, how you will be affected by them, if you'll get hurt or angry. And it's my own fault for allowing you to have so much power over me and I'm sorry to inform you that I am taking that power back. Do you ever think about how the little things you do may hurt me? Well, you don't have to because you're not doing anything wrong, you're just spending the little of the extra time you do have with someone else. I am wrong. So I decided, I needed a day off. And anytime you've asked me for time I've given it to you, I don't get upset, because I understand that sometimes you just have to think, and you can't have anyone interfering with your thoughts. And that's what I did.
I woke up and simply turned off my phone and said, "Today, it's just Me, God and Bobby D. (Bob Dylan)." I needed to do it without asking anyone for permission but myself. I always have to ask for permission to do anything. And you've made me feel as if I'm not allowed to speak unless spoken to, by always saying hey don't text or call. I already know! I don't need to be reminded of all the fucking restrictions.
I needed to give myself that time because I realize that I'm important, and I've never truly believed that I was important because growing up my mom used to say to me, "You're fat, Ugly, worthless, and useless." And of course she's my mother, and I was raised to trust her, and when she said those things, well I thought, "Why would my mom lie to me?" And so I believed her. I also watched her get shoved around and I saw all the control my dad had over her. All those years of watching her submit to his every request assured me that I was way too smart for that and I'm not gonna allow myself to be that weak. It's no problem for me to be good to a man, to go out of my way and make him happy as long as I get the same respect. You have my utmost respect, and I need you to realize that if you want to continue to have my respect, then, I need the same patience and understanding that I give to you.
I really needed today to just breathe and reflect on my life. What I'm doing, what I want to be doing and what I'm going to do. I needed today off so I could refresh myself and talk to you tomorrow with a clear head and tell you how much better I felt. That's all I asked for just one day where I could be alone and just think without any interference. Interference from my family, friends, you. Just me, deciding what is best for ME. Is that too much to ask? Call me selfish or hate me for it, but it's about time someone really looks out for me and I figured I should look out for myself. You can't alway be the puppetmaster, you can't always have all the control. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. I live my life based on the idea that you can't demand from people what you yourself are not ready and willing to give.
You already know how much I care about you, and if I've told you this it's because I am opening myself up to you and letting you know what I'm feeling. Because I want you to know me. I'm not just a shell. I have real feelings. REAL feelings that are being hurt.
I don't know what else to say either than I love you and I hope you understand and if you don't, well then I guess I won't ever be able to make you understand. You have to understand it for yourself. It's not something someone else can make you see.
With all the love, respect and dignity I have,
Ashley
I wanted to give you an explanation, but when I got that cold reaction from you, I thought to myself, "why am I going to sit here wasting time giving explanations?" I never demand explanations from you. I understand the entire situation going on, and I know you have a lot of things to deal with so I don't question you as to why you don't respond to me at times, especially when I really need you and you're not around. I just understand, in fact I am grateful and filled with joy when I finally hear from you. All I ask is that you are as understanding toward me as I am with you, as patients as I have been with you, but after that reaction I see that you don't have that understanding toward me. "Whatever?!" is that how you solve your problems? Whatever? It made me feel unimportant that you can just brush me off like that.
You're not the only one going through a hard time. You just haven't had time to really grasp everything that's been going on in my life. And I don't blame you for that, I don't ask you to know everything in my life, because I understand that you have a lot of things you're facing and most of my energy has been geared toward you, in being patient and understanding that now may not be the best time for me to place all that on you, and shoving my feelings for you aside and being a friend to someone I absolutely love with all my heart. I've spent so much time worrying about you, and you can't tell me not to worry about you because it's natural for us to worry about the people we love and I'm going to worry regardless.
Every action I commit is acted on with you in mind, I think my actions out very carefully, how you will be affected by them, if you'll get hurt or angry. And it's my own fault for allowing you to have so much power over me and I'm sorry to inform you that I am taking that power back. Do you ever think about how the little things you do may hurt me? Well, you don't have to because you're not doing anything wrong, you're just spending the little of the extra time you do have with someone else. I am wrong. So I decided, I needed a day off. And anytime you've asked me for time I've given it to you, I don't get upset, because I understand that sometimes you just have to think, and you can't have anyone interfering with your thoughts. And that's what I did.
I woke up and simply turned off my phone and said, "Today, it's just Me, God and Bobby D. (Bob Dylan)." I needed to do it without asking anyone for permission but myself. I always have to ask for permission to do anything. And you've made me feel as if I'm not allowed to speak unless spoken to, by always saying hey don't text or call. I already know! I don't need to be reminded of all the fucking restrictions.
I needed to give myself that time because I realize that I'm important, and I've never truly believed that I was important because growing up my mom used to say to me, "You're fat, Ugly, worthless, and useless." And of course she's my mother, and I was raised to trust her, and when she said those things, well I thought, "Why would my mom lie to me?" And so I believed her. I also watched her get shoved around and I saw all the control my dad had over her. All those years of watching her submit to his every request assured me that I was way too smart for that and I'm not gonna allow myself to be that weak. It's no problem for me to be good to a man, to go out of my way and make him happy as long as I get the same respect. You have my utmost respect, and I need you to realize that if you want to continue to have my respect, then, I need the same patience and understanding that I give to you.
I really needed today to just breathe and reflect on my life. What I'm doing, what I want to be doing and what I'm going to do. I needed today off so I could refresh myself and talk to you tomorrow with a clear head and tell you how much better I felt. That's all I asked for just one day where I could be alone and just think without any interference. Interference from my family, friends, you. Just me, deciding what is best for ME. Is that too much to ask? Call me selfish or hate me for it, but it's about time someone really looks out for me and I figured I should look out for myself. You can't alway be the puppetmaster, you can't always have all the control. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. I live my life based on the idea that you can't demand from people what you yourself are not ready and willing to give.
You already know how much I care about you, and if I've told you this it's because I am opening myself up to you and letting you know what I'm feeling. Because I want you to know me. I'm not just a shell. I have real feelings. REAL feelings that are being hurt.
I don't know what else to say either than I love you and I hope you understand and if you don't, well then I guess I won't ever be able to make you understand. You have to understand it for yourself. It's not something someone else can make you see.
With all the love, respect and dignity I have,
Ashley