My Goodbyes and Time of change
Hey cruel world of my life how are things treating you. I will give you a little fill in on my life about whats been going on with me. Well i was a drug user a big one cocaine heroin al that shit i was a wanna be i never felt like i fit in but i would do anything to just fill that sence that need to belong belong to anything. I wanted to just be loved and i found it the worst way i could and that was killing myself slowly. Drugs had a gripp on me like no other thing in the world hell i dont know how it all happen it just went down so fast. I was stealing from my parents pawning shit somking meth and Herione at age 15 i was out of control i lost all veiw and visions of my furture and hope and dreams. i was so lost i would wake up in the morning and tell myself i am not going to do this i dont want to im not eating im not living a normal life i want to stop, but always by the end of the day i just couldnt take it anymore all that was on my mind was that next hit of crack or whatever it might be. My mom could tell what was wrong with me and said she had enough. She sent me to a school in upstate New York and there i spent 15 months of my life away from my friends family love ones and my foes and the major enemy DRUGS. the first 2 months suck your average withdrawral symptoms shit like that anger fits i couldnt belive were i was. as that passed i was like ok all i need to do is get out of this place and i can do drugs i started working the program not to quite drugs but for drugs. it was kinda ironic. after a while my cravings and tensions passed thought i still have them from time to time today there less severe. I spent time there got to know my mom a little better (never said i liked her or agreed with her) but we built what we could of a functinal relationship. I saw her a few times over the summer and we decided that for X-mass i would come home and i did. I came home and i had a good friend turns out to get killed in a car accident what the fuck she was only 15 too young too preety it didnt seem right didnt seem fair. why the hell could something like this happen to such a good person. then i relized though she just in a better place and some day i will be lucky to get there. i went to her wake and told her my story and how im 15 months sober and i finaly did it just like she told me i would in 3rd hour english class... i just wish she were here to see it. i know she watching over me keeping me safe. i went to the funeral today and the priest said something about her that made me cry brecause it was so true. he told a stroy of how he say not one but 2 different kids at different times come up and thank her for when she was on this earth giving up her time for them even though they wernt the coolest at the school or most popular.... she did that for me and everyday she just made me feel so important i just want to say marissa i was to say that i love you like a dear friend you saw something in me in a time i didnt think was ever possiable (staying sober) you saw past my blue spikey hair and plaid baggy pant and saw me for me. you didnt judge make jokes or use me for my drugs. i found you so pure i just want to say thank you. you were one of the more internally beautiful left on this cold earth. I have to say i dedicate my sobrity to this girl though she wasent there during my change and i dont think ever knew how i was doing n this earth i know she knows now and that makes it all the better. she showed me that this earth is a hard one and you have so little time dont waste it and i wont my wishes got out to you. you will be loved and remember by many and inspired by some more.
Now that i am back and i am seeing the rekage of people 15 months down the road i come to find many friends already dead or moved away. or just further in there crap. weres that leave me.... i look at it as a new chance i time for me to grow. So many people i grew close to that didnt give two shits about me and the people that did care about me (you know who you are) i just pushed away. I decided i will never leave myself to get hurt like that again and i also promise never to hurt anther the same way i did befor. So as i place my moms around who i should see who i can trust it is like walking on pins and needles. at the same time my family is trying to protect me but i just feel so choocked out!!!! I am moving to a place outside of Chicago its my new life my new chance to do something i have always wanted to do and thats start a normal hgihschool teenage life. i think i am more lucky than most. i know with many of the things iv been through i am destined for something something big i am moving to chicago to become an actor. I feel that with this new chance i feel so loved and i just want to let my loved me shared but i feel like people are trying to pull me down. i got home on the 22 of this month and only going out of the house like 2 times i have been offered a substance 5 different times. i remember them perfectly every one... hell iv had dreams about them it was so just unreal theses are sopposed to be my friends they know what i am going through and they do this shit to me... its like what the fuck. its made me rethink about who my reall friends really are. and i have a preety good idea and i wish i could just say goodbye but they are always too hard for me. i guess i will have to make it a see you later. as i look back and read this thing i relize how EMO i sound but for me i guess journaling really helps out a lot i dont know for now after reading this you know on a very surface level of what i am going through and i would just like support so help im not afriad to ask for help it is a part of life. I am sett to go to chicago on the 2nd of next month thats 3 days away im scared and excited at the same time i am ganna be an actor i will keep at it i can do it i know i can i love you all and for thoese that want to help me thak-you i just want you to know i am always will to help anther if there willing to be helped. this is a little bit on the mind of Kyle Edwin Lindemann take it as is.
Now that i am back and i am seeing the rekage of people 15 months down the road i come to find many friends already dead or moved away. or just further in there crap. weres that leave me.... i look at it as a new chance i time for me to grow. So many people i grew close to that didnt give two shits about me and the people that did care about me (you know who you are) i just pushed away. I decided i will never leave myself to get hurt like that again and i also promise never to hurt anther the same way i did befor. So as i place my moms around who i should see who i can trust it is like walking on pins and needles. at the same time my family is trying to protect me but i just feel so choocked out!!!! I am moving to a place outside of Chicago its my new life my new chance to do something i have always wanted to do and thats start a normal hgihschool teenage life. i think i am more lucky than most. i know with many of the things iv been through i am destined for something something big i am moving to chicago to become an actor. I feel that with this new chance i feel so loved and i just want to let my loved me shared but i feel like people are trying to pull me down. i got home on the 22 of this month and only going out of the house like 2 times i have been offered a substance 5 different times. i remember them perfectly every one... hell iv had dreams about them it was so just unreal theses are sopposed to be my friends they know what i am going through and they do this shit to me... its like what the fuck. its made me rethink about who my reall friends really are. and i have a preety good idea and i wish i could just say goodbye but they are always too hard for me. i guess i will have to make it a see you later. as i look back and read this thing i relize how EMO i sound but for me i guess journaling really helps out a lot i dont know for now after reading this you know on a very surface level of what i am going through and i would just like support so help im not afriad to ask for help it is a part of life. I am sett to go to chicago on the 2nd of next month thats 3 days away im scared and excited at the same time i am ganna be an actor i will keep at it i can do it i know i can i love you all and for thoese that want to help me thak-you i just want you to know i am always will to help anther if there willing to be helped. this is a little bit on the mind of Kyle Edwin Lindemann take it as is.