Fourth Step Suggestions and Experience
A recent 4th step has prompted me to do what I am supposed to do...share my experiences and suggestions.
A 4th step involves four inventories: an inventory of my resentments, an inventory of my fears. A sexual inventory. An inventory of other harms I may have done that did not show up anywhere else...no resentment in connection.
I always start with a prayer like this:
"God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my resentments, the program, and about You, God, so that I may have a new understanding and discover the truth."
I also use this prayer whenever I reach a point where I feel blocked or confused. It is in the book, in essence, but not verbatim. (I can provide references if asked)
4-column resentment inventory:
Column 1: just list the people. A 'hitlist' as some have called it! Don't try doing column 2 at the same time. Make a vertical list. Write a name. Go to the next. People principles, Institutions. Don't ask "why" yet. Just a list. I can get bogged down by trying to go horizontally (do the 2nd column at the same time) rather than verticcally. I ask myself: who am I angry at? Where am I angry in my life? Who really bugs me? Who would I ignore if they walked in the room right now? My mind tends to tell me, "Oh, I am not really angry at them any more.." Yet I would act defensively or aggressively if I were around them. Theres a resentment there. Who do I avoid or shun? In all those questions there may not be a resentm,ent, but it helps me to be thorough. I list even if I am not sure. If it is not a resenment (sometimes I find I am just sad or in self pity) it will fall away in columns 3 and 4. I carry a notepad with me and revisit that through the day for several days.
Column 2: Why? Why did that person piss me off? Get under my skin? What did they do? pretty simple. If there is more that one reason, I list them as 'A.', 'B.', 'C.'...etc. under the same name
Column 3: I am VERY THOROUGH. But I tend not to expect this of someone's first inventory. "We are usually as definite as this example..." does not mean I need to write it out they way they wrote it. I look at the seven areas of self. I try to look at from the (absurd) angle of my ego. It often does not make logical sense. If I am thinking too much, it could end up just being delusion. My ego is NOT rational and I need to get at the root...the root of something based in fear and no logic. Its not easy for a logical person like me. I am looking from a different perspective.Often times, later on, I find that the reasons I wrote here are not the real reasons. So I remain open-minded. And keep moving forward with the process.
I look at Self-Esteem. I imagine myself in the situation where this person hurt or interferred with me. I ask myself how I see myself in that situation. "He shouldn't have done that to me because we were good friends! I was a loyal and trusting friend!" My ego says I am a friend...the best friend. So the fear that is operating with self esteem, is that I am afraid I was NOT the best, loyal friend...I was iot liked or loved as my ego wanted me to be. (If I were, I wouldn't have been treated like that) Ultimately I find that my resentment is fueled by that fear...I am afraid of not being liked or loved, So I lash out resentfully, or bottle up the resentment, based on a fear. My actions based on that fear cause others to treat me badly...and I make true my greatest fear...that I am not a good friend.
But some of that I just wrote is 4th column and will show up next.... In addition to Self-Esteem I look at Pride(how I think others think or feel about me), Ambition (What i really want to happen here), Security (what i need to be OK), Personal Relations (My deep-seated beliefs about what this relationship should look like...'A real father does this...a real friend does that... a good employer does this..., etc), Sex Relations (not necessarily about "sex" but about the relatiosnhips between genders, also. Again...my beliefs about how a man should be with another man or woman, etc), Financial/pocketbook (how did this interfere with my financial security?) in the same way with EACH resentment. I list the underlying fears next to each area of self.
Column 4:
I start with a prayer:
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage
of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
The realization: "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick... like ourselves"
I ask myself, "How have I done these things I've resented in Column (2) to the person I've listed in Column (1) and or others?"
And I list them. "I was a bad friend too. I lied to this friend and to other freinds: Bob, carol, Susan. I also betrayed his trust when I did this or that. I did the same thing with So and so."
I say another prayer:
"God, this is a sick person like myself. How can 1 be helpful to them? God save me from being angry.Thy will be done." And a set-aside prayer: "Please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my resentments, the program, and about You, God, so that I may have a new understanding and discover the truth."
Often times someone has hurt me that I did nothing to them. But I can still keep the resenment alive by doing the same thing to others, or feeding it it with self-pity, anger, etc. I may not have done anything to deserve what they diod to me; the world and its people are often quite wrong. Thats life. But I do not have to continually suffer over and over for something. I disregard the other person involved entirely, this is my inventory not theirs. Where was I to blame, before? During? After? What did I do? Look at what you do to hold on to the resentment. Look at things you do to protect yourself and how you look, I avoid, I shun, I gossip, I criticize, I ignore, I yell.
I write what I've seen from column (2) when I was angry, viewed in present tense through this realization.
Where have I been...
Self-seeking: My selfish actions and pleasures were? For instance, was I rude, did I shun or avoid...what did I do to please only myself?
Selfish: My selfish disregard when I was doing the above was? Self-pity was a big one for me...I tend to wallow in self-pity or bathe in anger. I get a sense of power from them.A sense of control...anger makes me powerful and I use self-pity to manipulate. These are just examples.
Dishonest: My deceptiveness or the false portray of my self when I was doing the above was? Was I in any delusions about this situation? I look at how I am deceptive, what i lie about, and what I withhold from people. There are 3 kinds of dishonesty: lying to myself, outright lying to others, and withholding the truth. I also look at my answers in column 3 for sucurity..."what I need to be ok". Usually my ego will say something like, "I need him to be gone from the planet for me to be ok"...but is that really true? Or am I lying to myself? Am I placing my own well-being dependent on the existence of another human? (Or am I relying on God?) I can never be happy in that situation and its not true. I CAN be happy with that person on the planet.
Afraid: Take the fears from your (3rd) column and list each fear once. Put all fears, even the opposites
and any other fears that should be on the list. I often find I am afraid of both succes and failure...being loved and not being loved...and so on. So I consider those.
Harm: Do 1 see harm I caused. Look thoroughly through the resentment? ie: family, friends, employers.
Fear Inventory
I say a set-aside prayer, and then pull every fear listed in my resentment inventory and and then add to it anything and EVERYthing I have fear of even if it is spiders or heights or terrorists. I set them out as a list...a single vertical column. Then I go through and for each one, I ask myself, why I have that fear, just as the Big Book instructs me. "I am afraid of not being loved, becuase I will be left all alone." And I continue to do that, eliminating repeating fears until it is condensed down to perhaps 2 or three core fears. "I am afraid of being alone because...I will be unhappy. I am afraid of being unhappy because I will be in emotional pain" etc etc.
Sexual Inventory
I have inventoried every single sexual relationship I have ever had. I continue to inventory any new ones but may include ones from previous inventories if they are still on-going or continue to cause mental anguish.
Prayer- God please enable me to the Truth about my conduct in relationships.
I make a list of relationships I’ve had through your life (or since previious inventory), go with what comes to me. Then I use the following on each one.
Name- Relationship-
My motives for getting involved were?
My specific conduct in the relationship has been?
The major things in the relationship that had come up were?
How it ended…? Or how it is now?
(Look at the relationship by answering these nine questions...these are directly from the Big Book)
1) Where had I been selfish?
2) Where had I been dishonest?
3) Where had I been inconsiderate?
4) Whom did I hurt? (Look around the relationship)
5) Did I arouse jealousy?
6) Did I arouse suspicion?
7) Did I arouse bitterness?
8) Where was I at fault?
9) What should I have done instead?(Don’t write not gotten involved in the first place)
Harm: Write any specific harm that comes to you while writing…
Now, this is something I did in my last inventory and the insight and expereince was amazing. I used these same questions in OTHER relationships. I even used the same questions and considered my "relationship" with certain resentments. For instance, one area of my life where I continue to suffer is in politics. I have very strong political view. And I am passionate. But I know that that kind of anger can kill an alcoholic. I have listed some of those resentments on previous inventories, yet they still come up, again and again.
I asked myself these questions about the relationship I have with that resentment.
I cannot tell you in words what the result was. It is an experience you should try. The insight I gained about how my ego pushes these beliefs was amazing. I have also begun to experience less of a need to be right in those areas...some peace of mind.
A harms list or inventory:
I just say a set-aside prayer and look for areas I have caused harm that didn't show up before. For instance, this last inventory I listed the few times where I snuck into a second movie at a theater. Thats dishonest. Its stealing. It didn't show up anywhere else, so I listed it. Also I listed some cases where I used bootleg software. Again, dishonest but didn't show up anywhere else. This may also include harms that I have never been able to correct in the past.
I hope someone finds my experience helpful.
A 4th step involves four inventories: an inventory of my resentments, an inventory of my fears. A sexual inventory. An inventory of other harms I may have done that did not show up anywhere else...no resentment in connection.
I always start with a prayer like this:
"God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my resentments, the program, and about You, God, so that I may have a new understanding and discover the truth."
I also use this prayer whenever I reach a point where I feel blocked or confused. It is in the book, in essence, but not verbatim. (I can provide references if asked)
4-column resentment inventory:
Column 1: just list the people. A 'hitlist' as some have called it! Don't try doing column 2 at the same time. Make a vertical list. Write a name. Go to the next. People principles, Institutions. Don't ask "why" yet. Just a list. I can get bogged down by trying to go horizontally (do the 2nd column at the same time) rather than verticcally. I ask myself: who am I angry at? Where am I angry in my life? Who really bugs me? Who would I ignore if they walked in the room right now? My mind tends to tell me, "Oh, I am not really angry at them any more.." Yet I would act defensively or aggressively if I were around them. Theres a resentment there. Who do I avoid or shun? In all those questions there may not be a resentm,ent, but it helps me to be thorough. I list even if I am not sure. If it is not a resenment (sometimes I find I am just sad or in self pity) it will fall away in columns 3 and 4. I carry a notepad with me and revisit that through the day for several days.
Column 2: Why? Why did that person piss me off? Get under my skin? What did they do? pretty simple. If there is more that one reason, I list them as 'A.', 'B.', 'C.'...etc. under the same name
Column 3: I am VERY THOROUGH. But I tend not to expect this of someone's first inventory. "We are usually as definite as this example..." does not mean I need to write it out they way they wrote it. I look at the seven areas of self. I try to look at from the (absurd) angle of my ego. It often does not make logical sense. If I am thinking too much, it could end up just being delusion. My ego is NOT rational and I need to get at the root...the root of something based in fear and no logic. Its not easy for a logical person like me. I am looking from a different perspective.Often times, later on, I find that the reasons I wrote here are not the real reasons. So I remain open-minded. And keep moving forward with the process.
I look at Self-Esteem. I imagine myself in the situation where this person hurt or interferred with me. I ask myself how I see myself in that situation. "He shouldn't have done that to me because we were good friends! I was a loyal and trusting friend!" My ego says I am a friend...the best friend. So the fear that is operating with self esteem, is that I am afraid I was NOT the best, loyal friend...I was iot liked or loved as my ego wanted me to be. (If I were, I wouldn't have been treated like that) Ultimately I find that my resentment is fueled by that fear...I am afraid of not being liked or loved, So I lash out resentfully, or bottle up the resentment, based on a fear. My actions based on that fear cause others to treat me badly...and I make true my greatest fear...that I am not a good friend.
But some of that I just wrote is 4th column and will show up next.... In addition to Self-Esteem I look at Pride(how I think others think or feel about me), Ambition (What i really want to happen here), Security (what i need to be OK), Personal Relations (My deep-seated beliefs about what this relationship should look like...'A real father does this...a real friend does that... a good employer does this..., etc), Sex Relations (not necessarily about "sex" but about the relatiosnhips between genders, also. Again...my beliefs about how a man should be with another man or woman, etc), Financial/pocketbook (how did this interfere with my financial security?) in the same way with EACH resentment. I list the underlying fears next to each area of self.
Column 4:
I start with a prayer:
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage
of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
The realization: "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick... like ourselves"
I ask myself, "How have I done these things I've resented in Column (2) to the person I've listed in Column (1) and or others?"
And I list them. "I was a bad friend too. I lied to this friend and to other freinds: Bob, carol, Susan. I also betrayed his trust when I did this or that. I did the same thing with So and so."
I say another prayer:
"God, this is a sick person like myself. How can 1 be helpful to them? God save me from being angry.Thy will be done." And a set-aside prayer: "Please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my resentments, the program, and about You, God, so that I may have a new understanding and discover the truth."
Often times someone has hurt me that I did nothing to them. But I can still keep the resenment alive by doing the same thing to others, or feeding it it with self-pity, anger, etc. I may not have done anything to deserve what they diod to me; the world and its people are often quite wrong. Thats life. But I do not have to continually suffer over and over for something. I disregard the other person involved entirely, this is my inventory not theirs. Where was I to blame, before? During? After? What did I do? Look at what you do to hold on to the resentment. Look at things you do to protect yourself and how you look, I avoid, I shun, I gossip, I criticize, I ignore, I yell.
I write what I've seen from column (2) when I was angry, viewed in present tense through this realization.
Where have I been...
Self-seeking: My selfish actions and pleasures were? For instance, was I rude, did I shun or avoid...what did I do to please only myself?
Selfish: My selfish disregard when I was doing the above was? Self-pity was a big one for me...I tend to wallow in self-pity or bathe in anger. I get a sense of power from them.A sense of control...anger makes me powerful and I use self-pity to manipulate. These are just examples.
Dishonest: My deceptiveness or the false portray of my self when I was doing the above was? Was I in any delusions about this situation? I look at how I am deceptive, what i lie about, and what I withhold from people. There are 3 kinds of dishonesty: lying to myself, outright lying to others, and withholding the truth. I also look at my answers in column 3 for sucurity..."what I need to be ok". Usually my ego will say something like, "I need him to be gone from the planet for me to be ok"...but is that really true? Or am I lying to myself? Am I placing my own well-being dependent on the existence of another human? (Or am I relying on God?) I can never be happy in that situation and its not true. I CAN be happy with that person on the planet.
Afraid: Take the fears from your (3rd) column and list each fear once. Put all fears, even the opposites
and any other fears that should be on the list. I often find I am afraid of both succes and failure...being loved and not being loved...and so on. So I consider those.
Harm: Do 1 see harm I caused. Look thoroughly through the resentment? ie: family, friends, employers.
Fear Inventory
I say a set-aside prayer, and then pull every fear listed in my resentment inventory and and then add to it anything and EVERYthing I have fear of even if it is spiders or heights or terrorists. I set them out as a list...a single vertical column. Then I go through and for each one, I ask myself, why I have that fear, just as the Big Book instructs me. "I am afraid of not being loved, becuase I will be left all alone." And I continue to do that, eliminating repeating fears until it is condensed down to perhaps 2 or three core fears. "I am afraid of being alone because...I will be unhappy. I am afraid of being unhappy because I will be in emotional pain" etc etc.
Sexual Inventory
I have inventoried every single sexual relationship I have ever had. I continue to inventory any new ones but may include ones from previous inventories if they are still on-going or continue to cause mental anguish.
Prayer- God please enable me to the Truth about my conduct in relationships.
I make a list of relationships I’ve had through your life (or since previious inventory), go with what comes to me. Then I use the following on each one.
Name- Relationship-
My motives for getting involved were?
My specific conduct in the relationship has been?
The major things in the relationship that had come up were?
How it ended…? Or how it is now?
(Look at the relationship by answering these nine questions...these are directly from the Big Book)
1) Where had I been selfish?
2) Where had I been dishonest?
3) Where had I been inconsiderate?
4) Whom did I hurt? (Look around the relationship)
5) Did I arouse jealousy?
6) Did I arouse suspicion?
7) Did I arouse bitterness?
8) Where was I at fault?
9) What should I have done instead?(Don’t write not gotten involved in the first place)
Harm: Write any specific harm that comes to you while writing…
Now, this is something I did in my last inventory and the insight and expereince was amazing. I used these same questions in OTHER relationships. I even used the same questions and considered my "relationship" with certain resentments. For instance, one area of my life where I continue to suffer is in politics. I have very strong political view. And I am passionate. But I know that that kind of anger can kill an alcoholic. I have listed some of those resentments on previous inventories, yet they still come up, again and again.
I asked myself these questions about the relationship I have with that resentment.
I cannot tell you in words what the result was. It is an experience you should try. The insight I gained about how my ego pushes these beliefs was amazing. I have also begun to experience less of a need to be right in those areas...some peace of mind.
A harms list or inventory:
I just say a set-aside prayer and look for areas I have caused harm that didn't show up before. For instance, this last inventory I listed the few times where I snuck into a second movie at a theater. Thats dishonest. Its stealing. It didn't show up anywhere else, so I listed it. Also I listed some cases where I used bootleg software. Again, dishonest but didn't show up anywhere else. This may also include harms that I have never been able to correct in the past.
I hope someone finds my experience helpful.