Apathy/Unproductivity
I've severely disappointed someone today and I feel awful about it. I also created a huge lie around that disappointment so it wouldn't seem like it was completely my fault. I don't feel awful about that. There is something wrong with me. Well at least I'd hope so.
I have always been a fabulous liar but only when coming up with excuses. I do it with ease and little remorse mostly because I rationalise every single one of these actions to the point where they are no longer deplorable but rather necessary. This has led to some other problems.
I...I'm not sure if this will make sense but here it goes. I don't care enough about my future because the future is so unpredictable and so vast in its possibilities that caring about what I'm going to do with my life, creating a five year plan, feels like cheating myself. I therefore don't care enough about the marks I receive in class or about current relationships with people because so much of that requires thinking about what I'm going to do next and I just enjoy sitting in the passenger's seat. It's easier to see things that way. I'd rather stare at mountains than the road ahead watching for exit signs, motels, and destinations.
Some days I get bored and I'll just start walking, take out a penny and flip it whenever I get to an intersection. I flip it twice. The first time heads means left and tails right. The second time heads means whatever direction won and tails means straight forward. I've found amazing shops in Kensington, one of my favourite cafes and I found out how to get to the CN Tower from the Museum by walking that way. It's a long walk.
I enjoy that. I don't want to decide what to do for the day. I'd like that activity to jump me and drag me along.
This has gotten long and strayed but the point is is that I don't care enough to do what should be done for my life. Nothing really gets done with me, it gets started, contemplated, and if I love it just that much, it'll get finished.
I have always been a fabulous liar but only when coming up with excuses. I do it with ease and little remorse mostly because I rationalise every single one of these actions to the point where they are no longer deplorable but rather necessary. This has led to some other problems.
I...I'm not sure if this will make sense but here it goes. I don't care enough about my future because the future is so unpredictable and so vast in its possibilities that caring about what I'm going to do with my life, creating a five year plan, feels like cheating myself. I therefore don't care enough about the marks I receive in class or about current relationships with people because so much of that requires thinking about what I'm going to do next and I just enjoy sitting in the passenger's seat. It's easier to see things that way. I'd rather stare at mountains than the road ahead watching for exit signs, motels, and destinations.
Some days I get bored and I'll just start walking, take out a penny and flip it whenever I get to an intersection. I flip it twice. The first time heads means left and tails right. The second time heads means whatever direction won and tails means straight forward. I've found amazing shops in Kensington, one of my favourite cafes and I found out how to get to the CN Tower from the Museum by walking that way. It's a long walk.
I enjoy that. I don't want to decide what to do for the day. I'd like that activity to jump me and drag me along.
This has gotten long and strayed but the point is is that I don't care enough to do what should be done for my life. Nothing really gets done with me, it gets started, contemplated, and if I love it just that much, it'll get finished.