nice fresh start
because i made a mess of the last one, i made a mess of everything, i wrote things about people that shouldnt have been said, well, a lot of it was my honest feelings, but maybe i shouldnt have put them in a place that was so accessable, and when i get going i know i tend to go over the top, say things i know i dont mean, but thats just the way i am, but because of me, of my stupid journal, of my stupid hurt feelings that certain person has been hurt, and that was never my intention, its just that this was my only way to vent my frustration, every time i tried to tell her how upset i was she would say that i was being paranoid, that it was in my head, well, i dont suppose that matters because ive lost her now, i dont blame her, id be angry too
i dont suppose she'll come back to read this again so theres not much point saying sorry, i'll say it anyway, i am, from the bottom of my heart sorry
anyway, im gonna be trying this new thing now where i dont talk about my personal feelings towards people on here, i'll have a private journal for that, im keeping this one, however, so that susan, hanna, taw, rob, catherine, pete, and anybody else that i dont see will know whats happening
so here it is, my dad isnt well again, we had to ring an ambulance on friday night for him, because he couldnt breathe, it was the scariest thing ever, the ambulance arrived so quikly, i was really impressed, but it broke my heart, the strapped him into a wheel chair and had to carry him out of the door because he couldnt even walk, he was grey, he looked so scared
anyway, it was something in his other lung, they did an exray and there was a shadow, when my mum told me that i nearly broke down, i was so convinced the cancer had spread, but hes had scans and tests and stuff and its an infection or it was a blood clot, they gave him blood thinning medication and antibiotics so im not sure which it was or if it was both, but apparently its very normal for people with his condition, and it is at least treatable
ive not slept properly since friday, coz every time i get nearly to sleep my dad wakes up in the next room having some ginormous coughing fit, and i scare myself half to death that he cant breath and we'll have to call an ambulance again, it reminds me of a time once when he had an infection in his lungs and he coughed so badly that he couldnt breathe and collapsed, and i went to pieces then, i just started screaming, and for months i was terrified of being left in the house on my own with him because if anything happened i wouldnt cope, its been the same since he got cancer, but as i come to terms with it, i find it easier to deal with that, although i still freak out everytime he coughs so badly that he goes red
good news though, he was at christies yesterday and they said that its shrunk some more (i guess from the radiotherapy, i think it works over quite a long period of time, but im not entirely sure) but at least thats a good thing, and is keeping me cheerful through everything else
i dont suppose she'll come back to read this again so theres not much point saying sorry, i'll say it anyway, i am, from the bottom of my heart sorry
anyway, im gonna be trying this new thing now where i dont talk about my personal feelings towards people on here, i'll have a private journal for that, im keeping this one, however, so that susan, hanna, taw, rob, catherine, pete, and anybody else that i dont see will know whats happening
so here it is, my dad isnt well again, we had to ring an ambulance on friday night for him, because he couldnt breathe, it was the scariest thing ever, the ambulance arrived so quikly, i was really impressed, but it broke my heart, the strapped him into a wheel chair and had to carry him out of the door because he couldnt even walk, he was grey, he looked so scared
anyway, it was something in his other lung, they did an exray and there was a shadow, when my mum told me that i nearly broke down, i was so convinced the cancer had spread, but hes had scans and tests and stuff and its an infection or it was a blood clot, they gave him blood thinning medication and antibiotics so im not sure which it was or if it was both, but apparently its very normal for people with his condition, and it is at least treatable
ive not slept properly since friday, coz every time i get nearly to sleep my dad wakes up in the next room having some ginormous coughing fit, and i scare myself half to death that he cant breath and we'll have to call an ambulance again, it reminds me of a time once when he had an infection in his lungs and he coughed so badly that he couldnt breathe and collapsed, and i went to pieces then, i just started screaming, and for months i was terrified of being left in the house on my own with him because if anything happened i wouldnt cope, its been the same since he got cancer, but as i come to terms with it, i find it easier to deal with that, although i still freak out everytime he coughs so badly that he goes red
good news though, he was at christies yesterday and they said that its shrunk some more (i guess from the radiotherapy, i think it works over quite a long period of time, but im not entirely sure) but at least thats a good thing, and is keeping me cheerful through everything else