Confession
Title: Confession
Pairing: I leave you to wonder
Genre: Crack pure and simple
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Still waiting to own them.
Summary: Siwon has a crazy idea
A/N. It’s more crack. YAY! This came to me while I was vacationing in Spain and was visiting an old cathedral where the priest had fallen asleep in the confession booth. I would just like to say I AM NOT CATHOLIC, I have never been to confession in my life, this is just based on what I imagine it is like. I do not wish to offend anyone here, this is a work of FICTION and is for entertainment purposes only. That being said, I hope you like it. Comments are love.
“Siwon what are you doing?” Leeteuk, Super Junior’s leader and umma extrodinaire asked one of his sons, who was busily hauling what looked like a statue of the virgin Mary into the bathroom.
“Ummm….” Siwon blinked and looked at the room he had commandeered for his latest project. “I’m setting up a confessional booth.”
Leeteuk let out his best long suffering sigh before asking “Why?” He wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer, but Leeteuk was sure management would want to know exactly why the bathroom window had been replaced with stained glass.
Siwon beamed. “Because hyung, this way I can make sure all of the others are going to heaven and they won’t even have to leave the comfort of home!” He felt very proud of himself for coming up with such a genius plan.
Ever since he had last gone to confession at his church, Siwon had been worrying about the souls of his hyungs and dongsaengs. He really didn’t want to get to heaven and have none of them there with him. That would be no fun at all! So he had decided to take on the role of “Father Siwon” and assign them penance for their sins.
“And you decided to use the bathroom for this because….?” Leeteuk asked, glancing around the remodeled room.
Siwon had managed not only to install a stain glassed window, giving the room that old churchy feel, but also had a statue of the blessed mother, some rosary beads, and some incense burning. Leeteuk hoped it wouldn’t set off the fire alarm.
“Because it’s the most like a confession booth hyung. See! I sit in here.” Siwon gestured to the bath tub, where he had set a folding chair and a bible. “And the confessioner sits here.” He pointed to the other folding chair. “And I pull the shower curtain like this so that I can’t see who’s talking.” He demonstrated. “See hyung its perfect!”
“Um...right…perfect.” Leeteuk couldn’t help but recall the last time Siwon had gotten one of his ideas. The over enthusiastic boy had signed them all up to act out the nativity scene at his church, which had resulted in a screaming baby, some broken ear drums and a very scarred Henry.
“Please hyung. It will be great!” Siwon begged. Leeteuk could feel himself giving in to those puppy dog eyes.
“Just think how great it will be when the whole family is together in heaven!” Siwon pointed out. Leeteuk cringed. He knew he was such a sucker for any argument that put the whole family together, but he also knew he was going to seriously regret letting Siwon do this.
“Arg. Fine. You can have your confessional booth.”
Siwon beamed. “Yay thanks hyung!” But then his face fell.
“What is it?” Leeteuk asked concerned.
“Well there’s just this one other thing hyung….” Oh no. Leeteuk knew that tone of voice. The tone of voice that meant only one thing, that he was going to be asked to do something he really didn’t want to do.
He let out another sigh. “What is it?”
Siwon shuffled his feet nervously. “Could you…maybe help me get everyone to come?”
NO! Leeteuk’s head was screaming. He was not going to get involved in Siwon’s little scheme to convert the household! But Siwon was giving him the puppy dog eyes again. Leeteuk just couldn’t resist.
“argh. Fine.” Leeteuk said, wondering why his “children” were so cute and irresistible and if he could maybe get them replaced with uglier more normal people.
Siwon grinned again. “THANKS TEUKIE HYUNG! YOU’RE THE BEST!” He hugged his leader-umma tightly.
“Great Siwon…Just let go of me. Umma needs to breathe.”
“Oh right!” Siwon released him. “Sorry I’m just so excited for this!”
“Yeah.” Leeteuk muttered already regretting his decision to help. “So when do you want me to send the others?”
“Oh any time! Actually I’m open right now! Why don’t you go first!”
Well Leeteuk had not bargained on this. He had agreed to help send the others to confession, he didn’t know he would have to do it himself. But Siwon was already stepping into the bathtub and pulling the curtain shut.
“Have a seat my child and confess your sins.” Siwon said in a deep voice that Leeteuk had not heard before. It was his “Father Siwon” voice.
“Um.” Leeteuk thought quickly. “Actually I don’t have any sins to confess. You see I’m an angel and everyone knows angels are perfect! Thank you though Siwon. I’ll send the others. Ok bye!” Leeteuk quickly made his escape from the bathroom leaving a very confused Siwon behind.
“Whew that was close.” Leeteuk said to himself. He really didn’t want to confess his “sins” let alone to Siwon. His dongsaeng really didn’t need to know what kinds of things Kangin and him did. Leeteuk didn’t want to taint his innocence.
“Now…how do I get the others to confess?” He wondered.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Siwon waited patiently in the bathtub for his next confessioner.
He didn’t have to wait long before the door creaked open, and the sound of someone shuffling in were heard.
“Hello my child.” Siwon said in his best “father Siwon” voice again.
“Well that’s just creepy. Don’t ever call me your child again.” A voice snapped back at him.
“Heechul?” Siwon asked incredulously. Sure Leeteuk had promised to send in the others, but Siwon had been expecting Ryewook or Henry or someone easier to convince. Heechul usually stayed away from all things religious.
“Yah. It’s me. Leeteuk said you were taking confessions. So I’d like to confess some sins.” To say that Siwon was shocked, would be an understatement. Did Heechul really want to cleanse his soul?
“Go on my-er- Go on Heechul.” He prompted.
“I’d like to confess the sins of Envy and Lust.” Heechul named two of the seven deadly.
“And who is it that you are lusting after? Or what are you envious of?”
“What the hell Siwon. I wasn’t talking about my sins. I was talking about the rest of the world. I mean look at me, is there any way anyone in the world would not lust after me or want to be me?” Heechul said flippantly.
Siwon was slightly alarmed. “Heechul I don’t think you can confess other people’s sins.”
“Why not?” Heechul asked petulantly.
“It doesn’t work like that.” Siwon tried to explain.
“Well it should. Because I’d also like to confess that it was Hangeng who ate the last of Shindong’s chocolate and also that it was Sungmin who dyed all our white laundry pink. I’d also like to confess that I don’t think it was an accident. And that I think that Yehsung is fucking Ryewook, and that…”
“10 hail Mary’s and 3 our fathers!” Siwon said desperately to get Heechul to stop before the man launched into all the nitty gritty details of the other’s sex lives.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hangeng was next. He shuffled in and sat down meekly.
“Tell me your sins my child.” Siwon prompted.
Hangeng hesitated. “I think I’m in love…” He admitted in highly accented Korean.
Siwon sighed in relief. “Love is not a sin Hannie.”
“I didn’t finish.” Hangeng pointed out. “I think I’m in love with the devil, and that I may have accidently slept with him a few times.”
Oh. So that explained the strange noises coming from Hanchul’s room late at night.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After assigning penance to Hangeng, (10 Hail Mary’s and 3 our Fathers) and asking him to remain strong in the face of temptation, the door creaked open again.
This time the sounds of a violent scuffle met Siwon’s ears.
“But-no- Leeteuk!” Kangin’s voice shouted. The door clicked shut and locked behind him.
“Have a seat Kangin” Siwon said soothingly.
Kangin grumbled but sat down on the folding chair anyways.
“Why are you here my child.” Siwon asked gently.
“Leeteuk.” Kangin replied succinctly.
“What about him?” Siwon inquired.
“He threatened to with-hold sex if I didn’t come in here and humor you.” Kangin’s sounded very annoyed.
“Have you any sins to confess?”
Kangin thought for a moment before answering. “Attempted Murder?”
It took Hangeng, Shindong, Leeteuk and Sungmin to pull Kangin off of Siwon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kyuhyun came in next, apparently more willing than Kangin to confess.
“I---I uh…ItiedZhoumiupintheclosetbecausehewasannoyingmesomuchbutithinkimayhavetapedhismouthshuttootightlyandhemayhavestoppedbreathingandididn’tmeantokillhimandohmygodi’mgoingtohellforthisaren’tI?”
After making sure Zhoumi was ok, the boy was still breathing but sent nasty glares at Kyuhyun for the rest of the day, Siwon assigned penance for Kyuhyun, 10 hail Mary’s and 3 our father’s.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zhoumi shifted nervously on the chair. Siwon had drawn back the shower curtain in order to breath, the incense was getting a little over powering.
“Kyuhyun tied me up.” Zhoumi stated. Siwon was about to point out that that wasn’t really Zhoumi’s sin but he was cut off when Zhoumi said. “I kind of liked it.”
Oh.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sungmin bounced in next. He seemed a little too happy to be going to confessional, but then, reasoned Siwon, the boy was a little too happy doing anything.
“Sit down my child.” He intoned.
“Ok!” Sungmin said happily and proceeded to climb into the bathtub and sit himself down, right on Siwon’s lap.
The pink loving boy reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a long list. Siwon’s eyes widened. Sungmin kept a list of all his wrong doings?
Sungmin began to read.
“Dear Santa. I’ve been a very good boy this year so I hope that this Christmas you will bring me lots of new toys. I want: a bunny rabbit, a live one because the stuffed one Yehsung gave me last year has started to smell bad, and a new pink jacket like the one I saw at the mall the other day, not the one with the gold buttons though, the one with the silver buttons, oh and if it could be more shiny and maybe say something like “Sungmin” that would be really cool. Santa, I would really like a new car. Kyuhyunie got to drive a convertible while we were filming and I really want one. I want it in pink though! Oh and could you maybe bring me some new sneakers too? Pink ones? Oh and tickets to Disney world too! Maybe bring some for Heechul too because he would really like to meet Cinderella, and could you bring Umma some more patience because he says he is losing it a lot (mostly when Eunhyuk and Donghae do something stupid) oh and could you bring Eunhyuk and Donghae some brain cells? Because Appa says they are lacking in that department (whatever that means). And please help Shindong Hyung with his diet, and let Kibum beat Kyuhyun’s top score, and maybe ask Heechul and Hangeng to keep it down at night? It’s kind of hard to sleep in the next room. Thank you so much Santa. Amen!”
Siwon sat there shocked. He really didn’t know what to say. Sungmin hopped off his lap with a big “Thank you Santa!” and a very solemn “Amen.” And then bounced back out of the room.
Ooooook.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“I cheated.” Shindong said glumly. He was the next confessor.
Cheated on what? Siwon wondered. His girlfriend? A test?
“My diet. I cheated on my diet!” Shindong sobbed. “All I wanted was just a little bit of chocolate cake and so I had just one bite, but it turned into two and three and then I ate the entire cake. Manager hyung is going to be so mad at me!”
Siwon tried to calm Shindong down, saying that one little slip up wouldn’t hurt, and that if he went to the gym tonight he was sure he could burn off all those calories, oh and also assigned him 10 hail mary’s and 3 our father’s.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Yesung came next, holding something in his hands.
“Hey Siwon, I heard you were taking confessions.”
“Yeah that’s right I am” Siwon replied, and I wish I hadn’t started! He added silently to himself.
“Oh good! Ddangkoma has something he’d like to confess.” Yesung held out the turtle to Siwon, who took it reluctantly.
“You know Yesung, Turtle’s don’t really have souls so they don’t need to come to confession-“ Siwon started to explain but Yesung was already half way out the door.
Ddangkoma took that moment to pee all over Siwon’s hands.
Oh gross!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Hyung what are you doing?” Kibum asked, waking Siwon up from a slight doze. It had been quite sometime since his last confessioner…er…turtle…
“I set up a confession booth.” Siwon explained. “To save everyone’s souls from hell.”
“Oh.” Kibum said completely unfazed. Living with Super Junior, one got used to weird happenings. “Would you mind letting me use the shower? I’m gonna be late for filming.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After Kibum had vacated the shower Siwon went back to his, albeit a bit damp, seat and waited for someone else to come.
He didn’t wait long. Henry came into the room and started chattering on in English.
Siwon, who had no idea what he was saying, just nodded along like he understood.
He wasn’t sure what “Canadian Bacon” was, but it sure sounded like something bad.
After a full 20 minutes Henry stopped to catch his breath, and Siwon managed to get a word in edgewise. “10 hail Mary’s and 3 our fathers, and your sins will be forgiven.”
Henry blinked in surprise. “What are you talking about gege?” He said in Chinese. “I was just telling you what I wanted to eat for supper!”
Siwon face-palmed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Donghae and Eunhyuk came in together.
Siwon immediately thought to himself that this was not going to be good.
“Eunhyuk watches too much porn.” Donghae began, accusingly.
“I do not!” The monkey boy protested. “Anyways, you’re just jealous because I don’t spend that time with you!”
“So you admit it!” Donghae screeched. “You’d rather spend time with your yadong than with me!”
“Well at least my porn doesn’t call me a pervert!” Eunhyuk countered.
“I never said that!” Donghae shouted back.
“You implied it!” Both boys were now very red in the face.
Siwon was very confused.
“Arg I don’t know why I even put up with you!” Donghae spat.
“Well I don’t know why I put up with you!” Eunhyuk spat back.
“We are sooooo over monkey boy!”
“Fine by me Fish lover!”
Donghae stalked out of the room slamming the door behind him.
Eunhyuk rounded on Siwon. “Gees Siwon, you’re really crap at this whole couple therapy thing. You should have at least said something!” with that Eunhyuk flounced out of the room to go find Donghae and apologize, and hopefully have some hot make-up sex.
Siwon just sat there stunned.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ryewook was the last Super Junior member to make his way to confession that day.
And not surprisingly he was the only one to take it seriously. He and Siwon had a very nice chat about what Ryewook had done wrong, and Siwon had assigned him penance for his sins (10 hail mary’s and 3 our father’s). Ryewook left feeling lighter, and Siwon closed up his confessional booth feeling slightly better that maybe he had helped make a difference after all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next week at church Siwon approached the confession booth with some trepidation. He slipped inside and sat down, envying the way the church had an actual booth, with an actual curtain (not a shower curtain).
“Tell me of your sins, my child.” The priest said in a voice Siwon wished he could imitate, warm and loving, but stern at the same time.
Siwon remained silent for a minute before confessing.
“I…I think my family is insane.”
The priest sighed heavily and said “10 hail Mary’s and 3 our Father’s”
THE END
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