trying to find her way in this mixed-up, messed-up world
I spent the workday trying to get the kids to take turns on the bikes (sharing is so hard for some of them, and it breaks my heart to watch a 12-year-old freak out because his time on the bicycle is up), and it wasn't fun at all. Sometimes, I feel like I talk too much at work, or I talk too loud, or I don't use a very pleasant voice when I talk, and it gives me headaches and my throat gets all weird. But somehow, magically, a big smile and a hug from the boy who half an hour earlier threatened to have his daddy beat you up makes it all better.
After, I came home and made an incredibly filling curry, only to realize when I was halfway through with cooking that it's not winter anymore and I should stop making winter food. It was tasty, though - a bit too spicy for my mom, but I liked it - and I'm actually still full. And that's like, a miracle for me!
Wednesdays are TV nights, so I watched Ugly Betty and ANTM (although I rarely make it through the full episode anymore), and after that was over I still hadn't met my TV quota for the day (weird day, huh? usually, 10 minutes of TV is plenty for me!), and because I have this weird obsession where I need to see every movie that has even a minor lesbian character, I watched Gray Matters - and it made me cry a little.
Not because it was particularly sad or anything, really. But there's this one scene, where Gray (played by Heather Graham) is in the elevator with her brother Sam (Thomas Cavanagh), right around the time she's coming out.
Sam: It's normal to be going nuts, it's normal.
Gray: I don't feel normal, I'm sick and tired of everyone saying this is normal, it's typical, it's ordinary. I don't feel any of those things!
Sam: Well, how do you feel?
Gray: ... lonely.
Sam: Why?
Gray: Because I'm never going to be able to walk down the street holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us looks, I may never have the wedding I once dreamed of, and I may never have children, and one day, when I die, people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.
Well, gee. I wish it was that easy for me to explain why I feel certain feelings. Imagine how much easier that'd make things! That being said - Gray's explanation of why she feels lonely made my heart ache a little and got me all teary eyed. Wanting a normal life is such a big part of most humans - and realizing you may never have that is tough. It's so much easier (or, at least it sometimes feels easier) to fake "normal" and then maybe someday you'll actually be normal and have that normal life and everything that comes with it. When I was younger, I'd sometimes wonder if I was gay, but I didn't feel like I could be, since I wanted a house and a family and a career and a normal life. Those don't come with lesbian lovers, you know. So at 16, I had a boyish haircut, and I wore denim overalls (hey stopit, they were OK to wear back then!!), and pretended to have a huge crush on Júlíus, a boy in my German class. When really, I silently obsessed over a cute red-haired girl named Anna, who I talked to in Law - until her stupid boyfriend came back from London. I spent the rest of the semester sitting right behind them, feeling jealous... and lonely. I didn't know why, though. It was just the way I was feeling. I realize now that I felt lonely because Anna and the Stupid Boyfriend had a shot at being normal - house, kids, two cars and a dog. And noone would give them weird looks.
(and itunes picked this song randomly - freaky!)
After, I came home and made an incredibly filling curry, only to realize when I was halfway through with cooking that it's not winter anymore and I should stop making winter food. It was tasty, though - a bit too spicy for my mom, but I liked it - and I'm actually still full. And that's like, a miracle for me!
Wednesdays are TV nights, so I watched Ugly Betty and ANTM (although I rarely make it through the full episode anymore), and after that was over I still hadn't met my TV quota for the day (weird day, huh? usually, 10 minutes of TV is plenty for me!), and because I have this weird obsession where I need to see every movie that has even a minor lesbian character, I watched Gray Matters - and it made me cry a little.
Not because it was particularly sad or anything, really. But there's this one scene, where Gray (played by Heather Graham) is in the elevator with her brother Sam (Thomas Cavanagh), right around the time she's coming out.
Sam: It's normal to be going nuts, it's normal.
Gray: I don't feel normal, I'm sick and tired of everyone saying this is normal, it's typical, it's ordinary. I don't feel any of those things!
Sam: Well, how do you feel?
Gray: ... lonely.
Sam: Why?
Gray: Because I'm never going to be able to walk down the street holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us looks, I may never have the wedding I once dreamed of, and I may never have children, and one day, when I die, people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.
Well, gee. I wish it was that easy for me to explain why I feel certain feelings. Imagine how much easier that'd make things! That being said - Gray's explanation of why she feels lonely made my heart ache a little and got me all teary eyed. Wanting a normal life is such a big part of most humans - and realizing you may never have that is tough. It's so much easier (or, at least it sometimes feels easier) to fake "normal" and then maybe someday you'll actually be normal and have that normal life and everything that comes with it. When I was younger, I'd sometimes wonder if I was gay, but I didn't feel like I could be, since I wanted a house and a family and a career and a normal life. Those don't come with lesbian lovers, you know. So at 16, I had a boyish haircut, and I wore denim overalls (hey stopit, they were OK to wear back then!!), and pretended to have a huge crush on Júlíus, a boy in my German class. When really, I silently obsessed over a cute red-haired girl named Anna, who I talked to in Law - until her stupid boyfriend came back from London. I spent the rest of the semester sitting right behind them, feeling jealous... and lonely. I didn't know why, though. It was just the way I was feeling. I realize now that I felt lonely because Anna and the Stupid Boyfriend had a shot at being normal - house, kids, two cars and a dog. And noone would give them weird looks.
(and itunes picked this song randomly - freaky!)