Castle Fic: Broken Things
Title: Broken Things
Author: sheenianni
Fandom: Castle
Characters/Pairings: Kate Beckett, Rick Castle, Lanie Parish; Beckett/Castle
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Romance
Spoilers: Season 8 (up to S8E05)
Word Count: ~ 4,100
Summary: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words-’ What about words? - Months after Kate resolves the case around “Locksat”, the latest Nikki Heat comes out and Kate realizes the truth about her relationship with Castle. Set in S8, likely to eventually become AU.
Beta credit: aragarna
A/N: Written for my Gen Bingo card, for the prompt “Books are the Best Weapons”.
___________________________________
When Castle’s latest book finally comes out, the critics are all over it. Some of them praise it and call it his best work as of yet, others denounce it for its “controversial ending” and the “betrayal of the series’ core ideals”. Either way, the sales are through the roof, and there seem to be no end to the reviews, especially after the announcement that “Without Heat” might very well be the last book of the franchise.
Kate agonizes over it for a week. In the end, she waits for Lanie’s opinion until she finally buys a copy of her own.
* * *
She had known she was hurting Rick when she walked out on him. She knew it from every time he came to the precinct; from his devastated look when she told him she’d come to collect her things; from the joy in his voice in the precious moments when they worked together again. She knew and even asked for his forgiveness in advance; yet somehow, deep down, Kate always expected that once the case was over, she could explain and things would go back to the way they were between her and Castle.
And just as always, he somehow figured it out and got himself right into the middle of the whole mess. It was a terrible forty-eight hours during which they almost drowned, Castle got shot in the thigh and Kate killed three men in self-defense. But they survived; they uncovered the whole plot and arrested the bad guys. Finally, after they got justice for the victims and after the doctors tended to Rick’s leg, the time came that Kate had been looking forward for months. She told Rick that it was over; it was time to go home.
They talked and even bantered lightly as they made it to Castle’s apartment. Once there, Martha and Alexis had to be reassured that Castle was safe, and then the four of them had dinner. Admittedly, the whole affair felt a bit stiff - Alexis made an offhand comment about her dad getting hurt, again - but somehow Martha saved the day with her cheer and her reconciling approach. So there they were, eating; Castle questioned Martha about her new role on Broadway, Alexis talked a bit about her classes and the PI business and Kate laughed when she discovered “Lucy” the operation system. It was awkward and insecure, but they muddled through. Finally, Castle’s family left, and Kate helped Rick to their bedroom, where she checked the dressing around his leg and then helped him out of his clothes-
And then all the masks fell and the illusion broke as she saw the raw pain in his eyes.
They slept together, desperate to reconnect, frantic in their survival, scared and hurting from their separation. The sex was possessive, rough and devoid of kindness, but they were together, they could heal, all that was needed was space and time-
That was what Kate told herself when Rick stood up afterwards and left for the bathroom without a word.
As they fell asleep, she focused on their future and didn’t let him see her tears.
* * *
There is a bookstore on Kate’s way to the precinct, which means that Castle’s enlarged portrait watches her every day as she goes to work. She couldn’t have missed the latest Nikki Heat coming out even if she ignored the articles in the papers and the hushed talk at the Twelfth.
She finally buys the book one morning before work, but ignores it during the day, telling herself that she’s the captain now and has to lead by example. She catches up on their newest case and meticulously fills out some paperwork that has been on her desk for nearly three weeks, and then she deals with some forms that don’t have to be ready until next week. But in the end it’s nine p.m. and there is nothing left to do, so Kate finally gathers her things and leaves the precinct.
On her way home, she subconsciously finds at least five more ways to delay the moment of truth. But then she’s suddenly at her apartment and it all feels very childish - she can take whatever Castle wrote about them. She orders pizza, gets comfortable on the couch and starts reading as she waits for the delivery.
An hour later, she stuffs the rest of the pizza into the fridge, but her mind is completely occupied by Castle’s book.
“Without Heat” starts with a group that intentionally stages a series of blackouts and then murders Nikki Heat’s former colleague, who is a witness to their crime. Detective Heat uncovers the plot and finds her friend’s killer, but he escapes and then commits suicide before they can catch him. Nikki later realizes that the blackouts were only a cover for a deeper terrorist plot, and although she is reassured by an NSA agent that they have the matter in hand, she feels personally compelled to investigate.
Nikki then breaks up with her husband Jameson Rook and ruins her marriage so she can bring the killers to justice. She walks away to protect Rook and investigates on her own.
Feeling cold and unnerved, Kate puts on a sweater and makes herself a hot tea. Then she goes back on the couch to continue reading, but with each page, her unease continues to grow, until it develops into a knot of dread at the bottom of her stomach.
She reads as Nikki investigates the plot behind the blackouts while Rook tries time and again to get her back. She reads about Rook’s confusion and pain; winces as he tries and fails to give Nikki space, feels almost pity for him and his string of desperate attempts to win Nikki back. It’s stupid of course - Nikki loves him, thinks Kate, it’s obvious from her thoughts in the book - but for some reason Rook can’t see it and he humiliates himself time and time again, he wonders what he did wrong, what did he do for Nikki to leave him, why did he fail at their marriage-
That’s not what happened, Kate rages silently as she rushes through the pages; that’s not what happened at all, she told him it wasn’t his fault, she told him she still loved him -
* * *
The thing was, despite her guilt, Kate had honestly thought that Rick would understand; that he would nod and then kiss her, even though she had hurt him terribly. But she had known how deeply he loved her, how much she loved him back, and they had been together through worse things. So when she woke up the morning after they had wrapped up the case, after they had prevailed, she was hopeful- in fact, she was happy. The worst was over now, and it was time to get back to their family and their relationship.
Her body hurt from the previous night and her soul was bruised, but she smiled as she woke up next to Castle the morning after the arrest. “Hey, babe.”
The way Rick smiled back, she should have realized right away that it wouldn’t be so easy.
Just like she expected, Castle nodded and let her explain, but he didn’t smile again, didn’t tell her that it was okay. Gradually, Kate started to feel frustrated with the conversation. Yes, she knew she hurt him, but she had been trying to protect him - and she had been right as well! Just look what had happened after he got himself involved in the case - Castle had been shot, he could have died in the sewer system - and Kate hated the fact that she had hurt her marriage, but she had done the right thing!
* * *
‘Whether you like it or not, my job is important,’ said Nikki. ‘Face it Jim, you’re not a cop - you’re a reporter. You don’t have my training, and if they targeted you or your family - ’
‘You are my family,’ Rook snapped back at her. ‘Unless you don’t really feel that way. Is that it, Nikki?’
‘No, of course not! It was just for the case-”
“Seven months, Nikki. I waited for seven months-”
Furious, Kate throws the vile book across the room. How dared he!
She thought she knew Castle, but this - this is low. It is so below the belt that she can barely breathe. This book, this whole bullshit called ‘Without Heat’ - it’s one vicious attack on her. Castle clearly wanted to get back at her, so he wrote this hateful crap to hurt her - oh, as if Rook could do no wrong, and Nikki was always at fault, and maybe now she knows why he named her like a stripper -
He took all her mistakes, all her flaws and weaknesses that she revealed to him in private, and then he magnified them and twisted them for everyone to see, so the whole world would see her like some self-centered, selfish bitch. Hugging herself, Kate collapses on the couch in angry sobs - how could he, she hates him, she hates him-
He paraded their relationship for entertainment, like it meant nothing, and now her biggest failure is there for everyone to see.
* * *
After Kate had finished her explanation, when their argument turned chilly, Castle finally had a simple question. “So be honest with me. Was it just this case, or is this the new normal? Tell me this won’t happen again.”
And Kate - she hesitated.
Castle then nodded, “That’s what I thought.”
His next words had shattered Kate’s entire world and destroyed what had been left of their relationship.
* * *
Kate doesn’t greet Lanie when her friend opens the door for her. Instead, she glares at her as she comes into her apartment. She tosses Castle’s book on the kitchen table before turning to her. “What the hell was this, Lanie? Is this your idea of a joke, or do you think I need to ‘learn a lesson’?”
Closing the door, Lanie just blinks. “Girl, I have no idea what you’re talking about-”
“That book!” Kate exclaims angrily. “I asked you how it was, and you told me I should read it. If you agree with Castle that it’s all my fault, can’t you just tell me that to my face? At least with Castle he can say that he’s angry at me, but I thought you were my friend-”
“Whoa! Kate, slow down.” Lanie takes a deep breath. “Now, can you tell me what upset you so much about the book?”
“Really?” asks Kate in disbelief. “How about how I’m apparently crazy - oh, right, suffering from her old traumas? How stupid do you think I am? I didn’t walk out on Castle because of my mom’s murder or his kidnapping! But no, Castle says I have a “pathological need” to fall into a rabbit hole, and apparently you agree with him-”
“Hey! I said no such thing! Neither did Castle, for the matter.”
“Really? Because it’s all in that book, and now my entire precinct is probably laughing behind my back that their captain is a head-case -”
“Kate-”
“- but that’s not enough, is it? Because the vindictive ass has to humiliate me by telling the whole world about our divorce-”
“What??? Divorce - Kate, what the hell are you talking about?!”
Suddenly exhausted, Kate drops down on a random chair. “Don’t pretend you don’t know.”
It’s been five months since she arrested the conspirators behind the terrorist plot; five months since she and Castle had that terrible talk and the unthinkable had happened. He said he wanted a divorce.
And Kate barely fought back. She was too shocked - she couldn’t comprehend that this was happening, until she was standing outside of their apartment - Castle’s apartment, actually - and the door was closed. Later, she sought him out - she came to his PI office, called his number at least ten times - but he never answered. She gave up after that.
“I was waiting for him to send me the divorce papers,” she says shakily. “After all that time, I thought - maybe he changed his mind. But no, he was just waiting for this moment, so he could throw it in my face like that-”
“Stop, just stop!” Lanie takes a deep breath. “Kate, what are you talking about?”
“Oh come on Lanie, you’ve read the book,” Kate snaps impatiently.
“Yes I did, but there was nothing about a divorce. What’s with that?”
“Of course it’s in the book! Everything is there, down to that argument we had. Did you even finish reading?”
“Did you?” asks Lanie. “Kate, I swear, there is nothing in the book about a divorce.”
“That’s not…” Kate hesitates.
“What?” asks Lanie after a moment of silence.
“But that’s not possible. I mean…” Suddenly, Kate falters in doubts.
She hasn’t read the last twenty pages or so; she thought she didn’t need to. But if Lanie is right…
“I, ah…” she doesn’t know how to put it. “I didn’t exactly read it to the end,” she admits at last. “So, umm, what happens with the big argument at the end, you know, after we - after “Nikki and Rook” solve the case? I guess we don’t all just wake up to find out it was a bad dream?” she asks in a weak joke.
“Why don’t you read it for yourself?” Lanie suggests and offers her the book.
Kate shakes her head. “No, I… just tell me how it ends, okay?”
Lanie sighs. “Well, Rook tells Nikki that she hurt him, and that she shouldn’t have walked away from him. They argue some, and then she promises him that she’ll never leave him again if he gives her another chance. She says that their relationship is the most important thing in her life and that she’ll change for Rook. She implies that she’ll give up being a cop if that’s what it takes to save their marriage.”
Suddenly, Kate feels as if she’s choking.
Honestly, she thought nothing could be worse than reading about the divorce in Castle’s book. This, though, this almost beats that.
She now sees exactly the moment where Castle’s book deviates from their reality. And she wonders -
“Does she do it? Nikki, I mean.”
“Well…” Lanie pauses. “I told you the book was getting mixed reviews. Some said that after being very feminist for a long time, the series did a complete U-turn right at the end… The book never really tells, though. The epilogue shows that Nikki and Rook have made up, but there’s little about how they got there. It’s pretty open to interpretation.”
“Well, that helps me a lot,” says Kate dryly.
Lanie frowns. “Kate-”
“I’m so sorry, Lanie,” says Kate with a rueful smile. “I thought… I was angry at Castle and I jumped to conclusions, but… I should have known you’re my friend. Can you forgive me?”
“Hey, that’s what friends are for,” says Lanie kindly. “Do you want a hug to make it better?”
Slowly, Kate shakes her head. “How did I let this get so bad? I thought I was doing the right thing, and now Castle hates me-”
“Girl, if you really think that after reading the book, then you really are stupid,” Lanie rolls her eyes.
“But he… okay, you’re right. He doesn’t hate me,” Kate admits as she thinks back to “Without Heat”. All the vicious digs she thought she saw there feel a bit different now that she knows the book doesn’t end with her divorce and can think about it more clearly. But “not hating” someone is a long way from forgiving them, and after all that has happened…
“How do I fix this, Lanie? I want to get my marriage back.”
Lanie clears her throat. “Well, maybe you could start by talking to Castle…”
* * *
“I can’t do this,” Castle had said when Kate showed up at the PI office the day after their argument. He walked off into the hidden room, and Kate wanted to follow him but Alexis stepped in her way.
“Haven’t you done enough? I like you, Kate, but you’re just hurting him now. Please leave my dad alone.”
Kate had never come back to his office after that.
* * *
Strictly speaking, Kate still has the key to Castle’s place - she could let herself in without waiting for him. But she has lost that right when she took him for granted and walked out on him without even explaining why.
So now she’s facing the door to Castle’s apartment, and she wonders if she has a chance at salvaging anything out of the mess she made. She should have done this earlier - much, much earlier - but better late than never, right?
Unless Lanie was wrong and Rick really doesn’t want to ever see her again.
Kate takes a deep breath and tries to keep her calm, but her thoughts are flailing and what if he doesn’t -
She jumps when the door opens unexpectedly and she stands face to face with Castle.
“Beckett,” he says shortly. “What are you doing here?”
“Castle, please… Can we talk?”
He hesitates before giving her a slow nod. “Come in.”
Even her own anxiety and guilt doesn’t stop Kate from reading him. The way he walks, a bit stiff; the way he offers her coffee and crosses his arms; that certain something in his look - he’s defensive, tense and nervous. And they haven’t even begun talking yet.
She doesn’t know where to even start.
And then she notices several copies of “Without Heat” lying on the living room floor and finds her opening.
“I read your book,” she says simply.
Although his back is turned, Castle tenses even more at that. “Really? Imagine that.”
“Well, most of it. I couldn’t finish it - I had to ask Lanie what happens in the end.” Kate takes a deep breath. “Castle-”
“Do you want milk?” he asks as he turns around, putting her coffee on the counter.
“No, I - listen. I thought-”
“Sugar? Whipped cream?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Rick. I was wrong - I kept things from you, I hurt you and I’m so sorry I did this to us-”
“We’ve been there before, Kate,” says Castle, finally looking at her and meeting her eyes.
“I know. And I don’t think I really ever saw your side of things-”
“Do you see it now?”
“I think so, yes.” Kate pauses. “You know what else I realized? You were always pursuing me, always waiting for me, always fighting for our relationship. But when all this went down, once you mentioned the divorce, I just gave up on us. You would have followed me to the end of the world-”
“Maybe that was part of the problem. I was always chasing you. It can’t be always like that, Kate.” The words are sharp, but at least he’s listening, he’s looking at her - he’s talking to her. That means something.
“I know. And if you’ll have me, I want to fight for our marriage. I thought about your book, and we can be better - I can be better. We can - maybe we can do marriage counseling, like you mentioned before?” Her voice is light, but Kate knows what’s at stake here - just don’t divorce me, just give me another chance - she would tell him she loves him, but it sounds like blackmail and he knows that anyway. She hurt them despite loving him, and she did it repeatedly - professing her love won’t change a damn bit when it comes to that.
“Look, I based the characters on us, but they aren’t us,” says Castle after a moment.
“I know,” says Kate, not sure where Rick is heading with that. She thinks about Nikki offering to give up being a detective to save her marriage. And Kate - she loves being a detective; it’s who she is, it’s what makes her feel alive. But if giving it up is the only way to be with Castle, then maybe she can change for him. She clears her throat. “Speaking of the book, you know how at the ending-”
“The critics are right, the ending is crap,” says Castle boldly.
Kate blinks. “Pardon me?”
“I changed it after my publisher turned down the original ending. Do you think Rook would really want Nikki to stop being herself? The least I could do was write it vague enough so the reader can make their mind on how the two of them resolve things.”
Kate almost doesn’t dare to ask… “What was the original ending?”
“Temporary separation. I left it open,” says Castle. “Which was probably the reason why the publisher wanted it changed.”
“No divorce, then?” asks Kate, and she hates that her voice cracks a bit.
“No, I - damn it, Kate, I didn’t mean it. Not really. I just - I wanted you to see my side of things. I lashed out. I wanted you to fight back, to-”
“To prove you wrong?” Kate supplies.
“Maybe. It was stupid. Worse than stupid, because apparently you listened to me and stayed away. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m… I’m sorry too.”
“Rick…”
“Listen Kate, I don’t want you to stop being a cop, but you can’t do this to me again. You can’t quit our marriage when it’s not convenient and come back when it suits you-”
“That’s not - I was trying to protect you!” Kate exclaims sharply.
“Right, but it felt like that to me. I can’t - we can’t go though this again.”
“You’re right. And I was wrong, and I’m sorry-”
Castle interrupts her. “What if something else like this comes up? What if it’s another of your friends, or a cause you can’t ignore-”
“Then we’ll deal with it. I won’t do this again, I won’t - I won’t leave you again. Maybe we can talk about that in the counseling - I mean, if you want to do that? So we could find a compromise? And if the cost is my job, then-”
“Stop.”
“I could-”
“Kate. I know you’re a cop. You fight for justice, you care about the victims - it’s part of what I love about you. Just - don’t shut me out, okay? Not again, not-”
“I won’t, Castle. I swear. Never again.”
He gives her a wordless nod.
Okay.
Still not daring to hope, Kate has to gather her courage before asking the next question. “Umm, does that mean that - that we’ll give us another shot?” Will you give me this second chance?
“I guess so,” says Castle. He clears his throat before smiling a little at her - the first honest smile she has seen from him in God knows how long, and Kate suddenly feels butterflies in her stomach. She feels like a fifteen year old on her first date, only this is so much more, this matters, and she came so close to losing it -
“So, errr, you want to move back?” asks Castle.
“Yes,” she chokes out, ‘yes, I love you, please;’ “I love you,” she says and then she crosses the distance between them, and suddenly she’s kissing him, holding on to him -
They kiss and hug, until she breaks down crying. After that, Castle just holds her while her pain and guilt are washed away with her tears, holds her through the relief and fear, and doesn’t let go until she is spent and has nothing left to hide from him.
“I love you,” says Rick, and Kate shivers - she knows that. Of course she knows that. But somehow she needed to hear it again today, and Castle knows her well enough to notice.
“Thank you.”
She sniffles a little and wipes away her tears. Castle seemingly doesn’t notice, but Kate is comforted by the gentle way he squeezes her shoulder.
“Well, I’m not sure about you, but I’m absolutely famished,” he says jovially.
Kate smiles at him. “Sounds about right. Pizza?”
“I’ll make a side salad.”
Kate gives him a little smile. Then she calls the delivery service and orders Castle's favorite.
* * *
The next Nikki Heat is dedicated to Lanie Parish, the one after that to their marriage counselor. The series continues for another ten years, until Kate finally decides to run for Senate.
Nikki and Rook adopt two kids and live happily ever after.
THE END
Author: sheenianni
Fandom: Castle
Characters/Pairings: Kate Beckett, Rick Castle, Lanie Parish; Beckett/Castle
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Romance
Spoilers: Season 8 (up to S8E05)
Word Count: ~ 4,100
Summary: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words-’ What about words? - Months after Kate resolves the case around “Locksat”, the latest Nikki Heat comes out and Kate realizes the truth about her relationship with Castle. Set in S8, likely to eventually become AU.
Beta credit: aragarna
A/N: Written for my Gen Bingo card, for the prompt “Books are the Best Weapons”.
___________________________________
When Castle’s latest book finally comes out, the critics are all over it. Some of them praise it and call it his best work as of yet, others denounce it for its “controversial ending” and the “betrayal of the series’ core ideals”. Either way, the sales are through the roof, and there seem to be no end to the reviews, especially after the announcement that “Without Heat” might very well be the last book of the franchise.
Kate agonizes over it for a week. In the end, she waits for Lanie’s opinion until she finally buys a copy of her own.
* * *
She had known she was hurting Rick when she walked out on him. She knew it from every time he came to the precinct; from his devastated look when she told him she’d come to collect her things; from the joy in his voice in the precious moments when they worked together again. She knew and even asked for his forgiveness in advance; yet somehow, deep down, Kate always expected that once the case was over, she could explain and things would go back to the way they were between her and Castle.
And just as always, he somehow figured it out and got himself right into the middle of the whole mess. It was a terrible forty-eight hours during which they almost drowned, Castle got shot in the thigh and Kate killed three men in self-defense. But they survived; they uncovered the whole plot and arrested the bad guys. Finally, after they got justice for the victims and after the doctors tended to Rick’s leg, the time came that Kate had been looking forward for months. She told Rick that it was over; it was time to go home.
They talked and even bantered lightly as they made it to Castle’s apartment. Once there, Martha and Alexis had to be reassured that Castle was safe, and then the four of them had dinner. Admittedly, the whole affair felt a bit stiff - Alexis made an offhand comment about her dad getting hurt, again - but somehow Martha saved the day with her cheer and her reconciling approach. So there they were, eating; Castle questioned Martha about her new role on Broadway, Alexis talked a bit about her classes and the PI business and Kate laughed when she discovered “Lucy” the operation system. It was awkward and insecure, but they muddled through. Finally, Castle’s family left, and Kate helped Rick to their bedroom, where she checked the dressing around his leg and then helped him out of his clothes-
And then all the masks fell and the illusion broke as she saw the raw pain in his eyes.
They slept together, desperate to reconnect, frantic in their survival, scared and hurting from their separation. The sex was possessive, rough and devoid of kindness, but they were together, they could heal, all that was needed was space and time-
That was what Kate told herself when Rick stood up afterwards and left for the bathroom without a word.
As they fell asleep, she focused on their future and didn’t let him see her tears.
* * *
There is a bookstore on Kate’s way to the precinct, which means that Castle’s enlarged portrait watches her every day as she goes to work. She couldn’t have missed the latest Nikki Heat coming out even if she ignored the articles in the papers and the hushed talk at the Twelfth.
She finally buys the book one morning before work, but ignores it during the day, telling herself that she’s the captain now and has to lead by example. She catches up on their newest case and meticulously fills out some paperwork that has been on her desk for nearly three weeks, and then she deals with some forms that don’t have to be ready until next week. But in the end it’s nine p.m. and there is nothing left to do, so Kate finally gathers her things and leaves the precinct.
On her way home, she subconsciously finds at least five more ways to delay the moment of truth. But then she’s suddenly at her apartment and it all feels very childish - she can take whatever Castle wrote about them. She orders pizza, gets comfortable on the couch and starts reading as she waits for the delivery.
An hour later, she stuffs the rest of the pizza into the fridge, but her mind is completely occupied by Castle’s book.
“Without Heat” starts with a group that intentionally stages a series of blackouts and then murders Nikki Heat’s former colleague, who is a witness to their crime. Detective Heat uncovers the plot and finds her friend’s killer, but he escapes and then commits suicide before they can catch him. Nikki later realizes that the blackouts were only a cover for a deeper terrorist plot, and although she is reassured by an NSA agent that they have the matter in hand, she feels personally compelled to investigate.
Nikki then breaks up with her husband Jameson Rook and ruins her marriage so she can bring the killers to justice. She walks away to protect Rook and investigates on her own.
Feeling cold and unnerved, Kate puts on a sweater and makes herself a hot tea. Then she goes back on the couch to continue reading, but with each page, her unease continues to grow, until it develops into a knot of dread at the bottom of her stomach.
She reads as Nikki investigates the plot behind the blackouts while Rook tries time and again to get her back. She reads about Rook’s confusion and pain; winces as he tries and fails to give Nikki space, feels almost pity for him and his string of desperate attempts to win Nikki back. It’s stupid of course - Nikki loves him, thinks Kate, it’s obvious from her thoughts in the book - but for some reason Rook can’t see it and he humiliates himself time and time again, he wonders what he did wrong, what did he do for Nikki to leave him, why did he fail at their marriage-
That’s not what happened, Kate rages silently as she rushes through the pages; that’s not what happened at all, she told him it wasn’t his fault, she told him she still loved him -
* * *
The thing was, despite her guilt, Kate had honestly thought that Rick would understand; that he would nod and then kiss her, even though she had hurt him terribly. But she had known how deeply he loved her, how much she loved him back, and they had been together through worse things. So when she woke up the morning after they had wrapped up the case, after they had prevailed, she was hopeful- in fact, she was happy. The worst was over now, and it was time to get back to their family and their relationship.
Her body hurt from the previous night and her soul was bruised, but she smiled as she woke up next to Castle the morning after the arrest. “Hey, babe.”
The way Rick smiled back, she should have realized right away that it wouldn’t be so easy.
Just like she expected, Castle nodded and let her explain, but he didn’t smile again, didn’t tell her that it was okay. Gradually, Kate started to feel frustrated with the conversation. Yes, she knew she hurt him, but she had been trying to protect him - and she had been right as well! Just look what had happened after he got himself involved in the case - Castle had been shot, he could have died in the sewer system - and Kate hated the fact that she had hurt her marriage, but she had done the right thing!
* * *
‘Whether you like it or not, my job is important,’ said Nikki. ‘Face it Jim, you’re not a cop - you’re a reporter. You don’t have my training, and if they targeted you or your family - ’
‘You are my family,’ Rook snapped back at her. ‘Unless you don’t really feel that way. Is that it, Nikki?’
‘No, of course not! It was just for the case-”
“Seven months, Nikki. I waited for seven months-”
Furious, Kate throws the vile book across the room. How dared he!
She thought she knew Castle, but this - this is low. It is so below the belt that she can barely breathe. This book, this whole bullshit called ‘Without Heat’ - it’s one vicious attack on her. Castle clearly wanted to get back at her, so he wrote this hateful crap to hurt her - oh, as if Rook could do no wrong, and Nikki was always at fault, and maybe now she knows why he named her like a stripper -
He took all her mistakes, all her flaws and weaknesses that she revealed to him in private, and then he magnified them and twisted them for everyone to see, so the whole world would see her like some self-centered, selfish bitch. Hugging herself, Kate collapses on the couch in angry sobs - how could he, she hates him, she hates him-
He paraded their relationship for entertainment, like it meant nothing, and now her biggest failure is there for everyone to see.
* * *
After Kate had finished her explanation, when their argument turned chilly, Castle finally had a simple question. “So be honest with me. Was it just this case, or is this the new normal? Tell me this won’t happen again.”
And Kate - she hesitated.
Castle then nodded, “That’s what I thought.”
His next words had shattered Kate’s entire world and destroyed what had been left of their relationship.
* * *
Kate doesn’t greet Lanie when her friend opens the door for her. Instead, she glares at her as she comes into her apartment. She tosses Castle’s book on the kitchen table before turning to her. “What the hell was this, Lanie? Is this your idea of a joke, or do you think I need to ‘learn a lesson’?”
Closing the door, Lanie just blinks. “Girl, I have no idea what you’re talking about-”
“That book!” Kate exclaims angrily. “I asked you how it was, and you told me I should read it. If you agree with Castle that it’s all my fault, can’t you just tell me that to my face? At least with Castle he can say that he’s angry at me, but I thought you were my friend-”
“Whoa! Kate, slow down.” Lanie takes a deep breath. “Now, can you tell me what upset you so much about the book?”
“Really?” asks Kate in disbelief. “How about how I’m apparently crazy - oh, right, suffering from her old traumas? How stupid do you think I am? I didn’t walk out on Castle because of my mom’s murder or his kidnapping! But no, Castle says I have a “pathological need” to fall into a rabbit hole, and apparently you agree with him-”
“Hey! I said no such thing! Neither did Castle, for the matter.”
“Really? Because it’s all in that book, and now my entire precinct is probably laughing behind my back that their captain is a head-case -”
“Kate-”
“- but that’s not enough, is it? Because the vindictive ass has to humiliate me by telling the whole world about our divorce-”
“What??? Divorce - Kate, what the hell are you talking about?!”
Suddenly exhausted, Kate drops down on a random chair. “Don’t pretend you don’t know.”
It’s been five months since she arrested the conspirators behind the terrorist plot; five months since she and Castle had that terrible talk and the unthinkable had happened. He said he wanted a divorce.
And Kate barely fought back. She was too shocked - she couldn’t comprehend that this was happening, until she was standing outside of their apartment - Castle’s apartment, actually - and the door was closed. Later, she sought him out - she came to his PI office, called his number at least ten times - but he never answered. She gave up after that.
“I was waiting for him to send me the divorce papers,” she says shakily. “After all that time, I thought - maybe he changed his mind. But no, he was just waiting for this moment, so he could throw it in my face like that-”
“Stop, just stop!” Lanie takes a deep breath. “Kate, what are you talking about?”
“Oh come on Lanie, you’ve read the book,” Kate snaps impatiently.
“Yes I did, but there was nothing about a divorce. What’s with that?”
“Of course it’s in the book! Everything is there, down to that argument we had. Did you even finish reading?”
“Did you?” asks Lanie. “Kate, I swear, there is nothing in the book about a divorce.”
“That’s not…” Kate hesitates.
“What?” asks Lanie after a moment of silence.
“But that’s not possible. I mean…” Suddenly, Kate falters in doubts.
She hasn’t read the last twenty pages or so; she thought she didn’t need to. But if Lanie is right…
“I, ah…” she doesn’t know how to put it. “I didn’t exactly read it to the end,” she admits at last. “So, umm, what happens with the big argument at the end, you know, after we - after “Nikki and Rook” solve the case? I guess we don’t all just wake up to find out it was a bad dream?” she asks in a weak joke.
“Why don’t you read it for yourself?” Lanie suggests and offers her the book.
Kate shakes her head. “No, I… just tell me how it ends, okay?”
Lanie sighs. “Well, Rook tells Nikki that she hurt him, and that she shouldn’t have walked away from him. They argue some, and then she promises him that she’ll never leave him again if he gives her another chance. She says that their relationship is the most important thing in her life and that she’ll change for Rook. She implies that she’ll give up being a cop if that’s what it takes to save their marriage.”
Suddenly, Kate feels as if she’s choking.
Honestly, she thought nothing could be worse than reading about the divorce in Castle’s book. This, though, this almost beats that.
She now sees exactly the moment where Castle’s book deviates from their reality. And she wonders -
“Does she do it? Nikki, I mean.”
“Well…” Lanie pauses. “I told you the book was getting mixed reviews. Some said that after being very feminist for a long time, the series did a complete U-turn right at the end… The book never really tells, though. The epilogue shows that Nikki and Rook have made up, but there’s little about how they got there. It’s pretty open to interpretation.”
“Well, that helps me a lot,” says Kate dryly.
Lanie frowns. “Kate-”
“I’m so sorry, Lanie,” says Kate with a rueful smile. “I thought… I was angry at Castle and I jumped to conclusions, but… I should have known you’re my friend. Can you forgive me?”
“Hey, that’s what friends are for,” says Lanie kindly. “Do you want a hug to make it better?”
Slowly, Kate shakes her head. “How did I let this get so bad? I thought I was doing the right thing, and now Castle hates me-”
“Girl, if you really think that after reading the book, then you really are stupid,” Lanie rolls her eyes.
“But he… okay, you’re right. He doesn’t hate me,” Kate admits as she thinks back to “Without Heat”. All the vicious digs she thought she saw there feel a bit different now that she knows the book doesn’t end with her divorce and can think about it more clearly. But “not hating” someone is a long way from forgiving them, and after all that has happened…
“How do I fix this, Lanie? I want to get my marriage back.”
Lanie clears her throat. “Well, maybe you could start by talking to Castle…”
* * *
“I can’t do this,” Castle had said when Kate showed up at the PI office the day after their argument. He walked off into the hidden room, and Kate wanted to follow him but Alexis stepped in her way.
“Haven’t you done enough? I like you, Kate, but you’re just hurting him now. Please leave my dad alone.”
Kate had never come back to his office after that.
* * *
Strictly speaking, Kate still has the key to Castle’s place - she could let herself in without waiting for him. But she has lost that right when she took him for granted and walked out on him without even explaining why.
So now she’s facing the door to Castle’s apartment, and she wonders if she has a chance at salvaging anything out of the mess she made. She should have done this earlier - much, much earlier - but better late than never, right?
Unless Lanie was wrong and Rick really doesn’t want to ever see her again.
Kate takes a deep breath and tries to keep her calm, but her thoughts are flailing and what if he doesn’t -
She jumps when the door opens unexpectedly and she stands face to face with Castle.
“Beckett,” he says shortly. “What are you doing here?”
“Castle, please… Can we talk?”
He hesitates before giving her a slow nod. “Come in.”
Even her own anxiety and guilt doesn’t stop Kate from reading him. The way he walks, a bit stiff; the way he offers her coffee and crosses his arms; that certain something in his look - he’s defensive, tense and nervous. And they haven’t even begun talking yet.
She doesn’t know where to even start.
And then she notices several copies of “Without Heat” lying on the living room floor and finds her opening.
“I read your book,” she says simply.
Although his back is turned, Castle tenses even more at that. “Really? Imagine that.”
“Well, most of it. I couldn’t finish it - I had to ask Lanie what happens in the end.” Kate takes a deep breath. “Castle-”
“Do you want milk?” he asks as he turns around, putting her coffee on the counter.
“No, I - listen. I thought-”
“Sugar? Whipped cream?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Rick. I was wrong - I kept things from you, I hurt you and I’m so sorry I did this to us-”
“We’ve been there before, Kate,” says Castle, finally looking at her and meeting her eyes.
“I know. And I don’t think I really ever saw your side of things-”
“Do you see it now?”
“I think so, yes.” Kate pauses. “You know what else I realized? You were always pursuing me, always waiting for me, always fighting for our relationship. But when all this went down, once you mentioned the divorce, I just gave up on us. You would have followed me to the end of the world-”
“Maybe that was part of the problem. I was always chasing you. It can’t be always like that, Kate.” The words are sharp, but at least he’s listening, he’s looking at her - he’s talking to her. That means something.
“I know. And if you’ll have me, I want to fight for our marriage. I thought about your book, and we can be better - I can be better. We can - maybe we can do marriage counseling, like you mentioned before?” Her voice is light, but Kate knows what’s at stake here - just don’t divorce me, just give me another chance - she would tell him she loves him, but it sounds like blackmail and he knows that anyway. She hurt them despite loving him, and she did it repeatedly - professing her love won’t change a damn bit when it comes to that.
“Look, I based the characters on us, but they aren’t us,” says Castle after a moment.
“I know,” says Kate, not sure where Rick is heading with that. She thinks about Nikki offering to give up being a detective to save her marriage. And Kate - she loves being a detective; it’s who she is, it’s what makes her feel alive. But if giving it up is the only way to be with Castle, then maybe she can change for him. She clears her throat. “Speaking of the book, you know how at the ending-”
“The critics are right, the ending is crap,” says Castle boldly.
Kate blinks. “Pardon me?”
“I changed it after my publisher turned down the original ending. Do you think Rook would really want Nikki to stop being herself? The least I could do was write it vague enough so the reader can make their mind on how the two of them resolve things.”
Kate almost doesn’t dare to ask… “What was the original ending?”
“Temporary separation. I left it open,” says Castle. “Which was probably the reason why the publisher wanted it changed.”
“No divorce, then?” asks Kate, and she hates that her voice cracks a bit.
“No, I - damn it, Kate, I didn’t mean it. Not really. I just - I wanted you to see my side of things. I lashed out. I wanted you to fight back, to-”
“To prove you wrong?” Kate supplies.
“Maybe. It was stupid. Worse than stupid, because apparently you listened to me and stayed away. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m… I’m sorry too.”
“Rick…”
“Listen Kate, I don’t want you to stop being a cop, but you can’t do this to me again. You can’t quit our marriage when it’s not convenient and come back when it suits you-”
“That’s not - I was trying to protect you!” Kate exclaims sharply.
“Right, but it felt like that to me. I can’t - we can’t go though this again.”
“You’re right. And I was wrong, and I’m sorry-”
Castle interrupts her. “What if something else like this comes up? What if it’s another of your friends, or a cause you can’t ignore-”
“Then we’ll deal with it. I won’t do this again, I won’t - I won’t leave you again. Maybe we can talk about that in the counseling - I mean, if you want to do that? So we could find a compromise? And if the cost is my job, then-”
“Stop.”
“I could-”
“Kate. I know you’re a cop. You fight for justice, you care about the victims - it’s part of what I love about you. Just - don’t shut me out, okay? Not again, not-”
“I won’t, Castle. I swear. Never again.”
He gives her a wordless nod.
Okay.
Still not daring to hope, Kate has to gather her courage before asking the next question. “Umm, does that mean that - that we’ll give us another shot?” Will you give me this second chance?
“I guess so,” says Castle. He clears his throat before smiling a little at her - the first honest smile she has seen from him in God knows how long, and Kate suddenly feels butterflies in her stomach. She feels like a fifteen year old on her first date, only this is so much more, this matters, and she came so close to losing it -
“So, errr, you want to move back?” asks Castle.
“Yes,” she chokes out, ‘yes, I love you, please;’ “I love you,” she says and then she crosses the distance between them, and suddenly she’s kissing him, holding on to him -
They kiss and hug, until she breaks down crying. After that, Castle just holds her while her pain and guilt are washed away with her tears, holds her through the relief and fear, and doesn’t let go until she is spent and has nothing left to hide from him.
“I love you,” says Rick, and Kate shivers - she knows that. Of course she knows that. But somehow she needed to hear it again today, and Castle knows her well enough to notice.
“Thank you.”
She sniffles a little and wipes away her tears. Castle seemingly doesn’t notice, but Kate is comforted by the gentle way he squeezes her shoulder.
“Well, I’m not sure about you, but I’m absolutely famished,” he says jovially.
Kate smiles at him. “Sounds about right. Pizza?”
“I’ll make a side salad.”
Kate gives him a little smile. Then she calls the delivery service and orders Castle's favorite.
* * *
The next Nikki Heat is dedicated to Lanie Parish, the one after that to their marriage counselor. The series continues for another ten years, until Kate finally decides to run for Senate.
Nikki and Rook adopt two kids and live happily ever after.
THE END