(no subject)
Kaya killed herself. She finally did it. While I was hanging out with her she tried twice over three years. The winning choice: asphyxiation on helium. I think she was getting high and OD'd since it's relatively easy to obtain helium for whip-its. She was so reckless and self destructive. She was a liar and a user. She was brilliant and charismatic. She was funny and adventurous. She was an alcoholic that hated herself for everything. She started but never finished anything. She was always so unhappy in her skin that she was constantly reinventing herself, changing social circles, moving but not that far away. She pushed everyone to their tipping point and then let them go away. Poor girl. I thought about her a lot, more than anyone knew. I thought that maybe she was fine even though I would google her name expecting an obituary. I don't know if I have a right to be upset. I took off and left her. I dumped her basically. The last time I saw her she was beat to hell. She had bruises, cuts, a black eye, and was completely laid up in bed. She said she had a psychotic episode, a reaction to a bad mixture of drugs and alcohol. Not intentionally (of course) but still violent. It was freaky. I wondered if she was lying, and that Jaime did it to her. He was in the room the whole time I was there. At the same time, I don't think he did. What the hell did I know. Anyhow, after that she didn't call me and I never called her again. I wanted to but I never did. Then I realized I was afraid of her and I couldn't stand to be in her life. She always used me. We didn't have fun so much as counseling sessions. Over the last year of our friendship, the only times I saw her was because she was in crisis. I was not helping. I wanted to so badly. I would talk to her and try to help her make things make sense for herself. I would tell her that she was a good person that makes bad decisions. It's true. She couldn't help herself. No matter what anyone would say or do to help her she would not help herself. She would push her limits with everything. She would drive shitfaced all the fucking time, just daring the other cars to hit her. Waiting for it almost. She was sweet I thought.She was selfish and flaky but who cares, that's acceptable. I was so disappointed when my drinking buddy turned out to be a raging alcoholic and severely mental. She was definitely manic, bipolar, sure, but what else? Her mother killed herself too, in the same year. Genetic I guess, or just necessary. She was intense. She was my friend that I couldn't save and left behind. She hurt many people that couldn't help but love her like people love a bird with a broken wing. She was this wild thing that would get your heart racing with expectations of what's going to happen next. Kaya, what happened to you really? Did you tell me the truth about your past? I couldn't trust you to be honest with me about the present, but that doesn't mean you were always lying. I was so much happier without you in my life. I dreaded every time we made plans. I am sorry that I wasn't more honest with you about my feelings but I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to see what would happen next. I knew it would be bad but I wanted to see it. I wanted good things for you but felt that would never happen. I am angry with you for hurting those two kids. You exposed them to frightful things that no child should have to see. You never should have agreed to marry Jaime because of those sweet little kids. She couldn't help it. Here was a chance at a new life, a normal life, a chance to be loved unconditionally forever. It didn't work and luckily she was on to something else before she killed herself. I don't want to see those kids. I don't know how to handle this. I want to make everyone feel like I'm fine just because I don't want to talk about it. I want to think about this on my own. I have my phone off because I don't want to TALK about it, I just want to be quiet.