I need to get out of here
I can't really seem to decide what it is that I want out of life and what I want from other people. I just feel so restless and dissatisfied with everything. People who are important to me that I thought I was also important to have already gone back to school without so much as a phone call. Others complain that they hate when people don't return
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As for what you want from people...that is easier to determine yet harder to manage to get. You can't control people so you have to find the people who give you joy and who challenge you. Some people will be with you only a short while and others will be with you for a lifetime. But they all have things to teach you and help you grow as a person.
You shouldn't be afraid of leaving some people behind. Trying to please everyone and keep everyone by your side forever is a fruitless task. Its always hard to do (I never look forward to it) but its necessary and healthier for you in the end. You can't wear yourself out worrying about it. Like breaking up with someone, it hurts but its necessary and better in the end.
But as for what you want I think there are people to accomodate every desire you could have...just not necessarily the exact person you may want for a specific desire. Love, compassion, and a sense of "being there" for someone I think are minimal requirements of people and if they aren't giving those things to you then a relationship can be toxic causing you to doubt yourself and long for the things you aren't receiving.
Just remember that you're worth being cared for and if someone isn't doing that then forget about them and find someone who does.
But overall, to rid restlessness you don't have to have a career or life choice set in stone now. Just knowing a vague idea of what your NEXT step is will help you. Deciding what you're going to do next summer that will be more enriching than the bookstore this summer or where you'd like to live after graduation and what area of interest you might pursue. Not what job, not what neighborhood, just a generality. Knowing that you have a next move can be very comforting.
And remember, you can do ANYTHING you can dream up.
"...thereby neglecting the life that is now; which is, by the way, being sold in terms of dollars per hour. I am selling my life at my job."
This is a wonderful statement. And I feel the same way. Every moment that passes is life and I feel like I neglect many of them. I always realize this whenever I actually use a moment to its full potential. The rush that comes with living hits me and shows me how everything that surrounds it is gray and meaningless.
I actually had a dream about this last night, probably after reading your entry and having it on the brain.
I went to seize the moment when I realized I was letting it go because I had no make-up on. I made the mistake of going to fix my make-up first (apparantly I was dressed up like a dragqueen...it was weird) and wasted more time but then I had part of my moment anyway. The point was that I realized it and actually went to do something about it despite not actually getting it completely.
I think its hard for anyone to actually live life every moment but we certainly can and do try. I guess an idea would be that, instead of selling your life, you need to be getting paid for living. Finding a job that enthralls you, a job involving something you'd love to do even if you weren't getting paid for it. Making a hobby or an enjoyable experience into a job. Like working on a farm in Australia! Or something...you get my point.
The task is then just tracking down something you'd love to explore and find somewhere that will pay you for it. Resource the internet.
(And, btw, the people you encounter at the bookstore seem fascinatingly disturbing. I used to write down notes about people I saw while working at the kiosk...some interesing characters)
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"I'm sick of my parents. I have no relationship with my brother. I no longer run in groups, so I spend hours every week working out alone. I read alone. I write alone. I eat alone. I feel useless and confused. I feel boring, too serious, and full of complaints and worries. Is it so much to ask that I wish that I had friends who called me to invite me to do things?"
I think everyone gets tired of their parents. I know I used to get along with my mom really well but this summer we're at each other's throats. Its gotten to the point where I don't even think I can live with her next summer. So this seems pretty normal. So is not really having a relationship with your brother. I don't have any siblings but from just listening to other people this seems like a common issue and generally seems to resolve itself as you get a little older.
Being alone is something I know all too well but it doesn't bother me as much I guess because I grew up alone and you find ways to entertain yourself and realize the value of time spent by yourself. But I think especially because it is summer you can be left with a lot of time that doesn't necessarily get filled up with invitations and things. I guess this is partly because people have different lives and priorities have changed for many of them. There can even be good intentions like " Oh I should invite so and so and go do whatever" but sometimes you never get around to actually finding the time or getting everyone together.
I've ben waiting for a response to an invitation I set out there to go see the Talladega Nights movie but no one has responded yet to when we should go. Everyone wants to go but even with just a group of 3-4 of us it takes a while for everyone to get their schedules coordinated and decided. So sometimes things just fall through the cracks and never happen even though people may have wanted to do them.
I know thats not very consoling but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself because of it.
Your complaints and worries are acceptable and normal. You aren't boring (I am boring) and you're serious about the right things which is nothing to be ashamed of.
I think if you find something that you love to do that you can put your energy into when you're by yourself you might feel more useful and centered. Also what I mentioned before about deciding who you are and what you want to do might take some of that confusion away.
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"I have such huge dreams and goals and lately I've just been thinking that I'd rather just say "fuck it all" and go and work as a stripper, have lots of sex with whomever I want to, go on acid trips, steal from stores, get shitty $7.00/hr jobs and do whatever I feel like because I don't care if I get fired since there will be 100 more jobs just like it; speed, vandalize property, and go naked in public. At least then I would not be bound by so many rules and I would at least have a sense of control over my life. Choosing to be out of the limits of control would be my method. "
Woah woah woah! As glamourous and appealing as that life sounds I don't think that you should go out and buy those 7-inch red patent-leather heels just yet (although I am absolutely loving your description & idea).
Why would you want to say "fuck it all" to your huge dreams and goals?! What's wrong with having huge dreams and goals!? If only EVERYONE had such aspirations! Its wonderful that you do. Its people who don't have belief in their dreams that gives us the idea that we can't accomplish our dreams.
Again, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE! Even the wildest of our dreams can be whittled down into realistic steps towards their becoming reality. The idea might be scary at first, but if you just consider it thoughtfully just like a puzzle you can find the pieces you need and how they will fit together. Even the most impractical of dreams has a series of practical steps towards its achievement.
SO! Don't you DARE give up your huge dreams and goals or I am going to come find you and MAKE you go after them!!!
Never never never never give up!
You can control your life by making up your own rules and playing by them. Don't follow convention! But also don't think that your only option is in the underbelly of society. The world is your oyster and you can eat that damn oyster anyway you want!
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"We're supposed to go to school and become educated and learn as much as possible, but thus far, I still have no skills which is why I still work jobs at malls with high schoolers and people who struggle to pay their bills. Instead, what I have is an increasing awareness of how much life sucks for so many people, which makes me angry at myself for even considering for a moment that not getting invited to a party makes my life terrible when people are dying of cancer, working 3 jobs to support a family all while living in a hotel and taking public transportation. Other people are struggling with gender identity, abuse, rape, psychological disorders, severe pain, heartbreak, death, let downs... Everyone has problems, and mine are nowhere close to bad, but it only makes me wonder -- how bad are they feeling? Or do I really feel worse out of obsession with myself and just feel entitled to bitch about small things because the rest of my life is so comparably good? "
First of all, you don't feel worse out of obsession with yourself. Everyone's pain is relative. You could be feeling just as badly for something small as someone who is dealing with any of the things you mentioned because in relation to the rest of your life and experience it feels just as bad to you. Also, people feel differently about different things. If you compared my mom and me and the pain we feel about my dad's death they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. So for her, on any given day, she may feel overwhelmed by that whereas I might feel overwhelmed by my weight. In comparison, death and weight are opposite in severity but it has to do with how the issue affects you. Obviously then, my mother worrying about the death of her husband seems trivial in comparison to the genocide going on in Africa.
Like they say, its all relative. Don't feel bad about feeling bad unless its because your tycoon father won't let you use the house in Tahiti next weekend. :)
And there are probably jobs out there that don't involve working at the mall. Perhaps and internship or something self-entreprenurial might interest you more. There are lots of entry level jobs. Even if you can't find a listing for a job opening, write up a resume and send copies to a long list of places you think you might be interested in working at. Even if it is a boring job like data entry, if its data entry at a well-known magazine or tv network or something, the environment will be better and that experience will be likely to get you a better job next time or a promotion at the place you've found. But if you send out 100 or so resumes, chances are you will get a positive response from at least one place. If not, send out a hundred more. Never quit.
But more so than education, experience will get you more interesting jobs. So data entry at Glamour Magazine versus bun baking at Cinnabon or bookshelving at B&N? I think the magazine will stick out more.
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"Don't fuck with my emotions if all it is is a little ego trip for you. Girls are not conquests, they are people with feelings. Some of them are smart enough to notice your womanizing tactics as the sole goal of your life and are therefore no longer interested in your sensitivity and creativity that other boys lack."
Oy. I wish I had ideas about this one.
I have a lot less experience with this than you do but I think that since you are one who is smart enough to notice the tactics that they use you are well off. There are lots of genuinely nice guys out there. Unfortunately, it takes going through the piles of crap before you get to them. At our age, I think there are even fewer genuinely nice guys because the ones who are are still caught up in the college frat boy idea of picking up chicks for manliness. It also seems like where you meet them changes who they are. Like meeting a guy at a big-ass frat party where his face is covered up by a cheap plastic cup versus meeting him in a library where he has his nose in a book on .... something you find interesting.
But as for the unwanted compliments and things that seem empty and motivated by ego, you can either ignore it or tell him to fuck off or saying something like "you could never get me" or anything you want. That is up to you. But its not like he's going to compliment the uglies, so you can at least know you are pretty otherwise he wouldn't have wasted his time. Of course you don't let him know this or give him the self-satisfaction.
But that is up to you. Thats just what I think I'd do in that situation. I might be totally wrong.
"That may be the sole cause of my life and relationship problems in general. I want to be everywhere with everyone doing only the best things in the best clothes, with the best hair, the best body, the best house, the best car... I have always wanted the best from myself and from everyone else. I can't change anyone else, but I can disregard them for not living up to my expectations for them."
Thats normal. And its good that you want the best for yourself but of course too much of a good thing can be bad. I guess you have to decide what "best" means to you. Does it mean what is most appealing to you or what "society" considers the best? Is the best car the latest Mazaradi or a mint-condition 1930 Ford? Is it the newest or just your favorite? The whole "keeping up with the jones'" idea can be toxic. But if you want the best in relation to what you like instead of what people say you should like, I think thats admirable.
But a lot of these material possessions, while important and nice, should be in line behind things like a rewarding love and happiness in your spirit.
And, like I said earlier, sometimes it is best to "disregard" some people if they are slowing you down. I had one friend from high school who was always doing this to me. They never knew what they wanted and were quite apathetic and depressing. I thought about it many times and tried to leave them to save myself from that mood which always brought me down. Once we started college that sort of took care of itself and I feel freer now and happier that I don't always have to accomodate them. I tried to help them (I think they needed medication but they were very against it, unfortunately) but they resisted. I tried and did all I could.
It wasn't a failure of a friendship...it had just expired and it was time to move on.
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"I think I need a therapist."
I've been in therapy and discovered that it doesn't work well with my personality. I'm independent and want to do EVERYTHING myself with no help from anyone. But sometimes it is nice just to have someone to talk to about anything you want without fear of persecution or judgement...most of the time anyway.
I would suggest, if you do want to try it, to go seek personal counseling when you get back to college. I assume that they have a personal counseling center? And that it is free? If so, go for it. But if the first time you go you don't feel comfortable with the therapist they've set you up with, ask to see someone else. The first time I went (...I was forced...damn it) to the center at Agnes I me with the director of personal counseling, who you'd assume would be a great counselor. Not so. What a bitch. She was completely rude to me and was almost attacking me with her words. When I was forced to go see a counselor again (this time by my good friend, so it wasn't so bad), I made damn well sure that I didn't see the bitch again. I wound up with a WONDERFUL therapist who I really connected with and who is such a darling.
Even though I didn't get much help from her, it felt nice to just let things out.
And then the great epilogue to that story is the bitch "retired" and my darling therapist got promoted to director! Yay! But I digress.
I also had a psychologist spring semester senior year when I was having a lot of problems again and she was alright and helped me a bit but then when I had to talk to her and see her after my dad died a few things she said left me very angry and bitter. So sometimes its necessary to change even if you get along alright.
So I would go for it. You've got nothing to lose and you can decide after you go a few times if therapy is for you. It can help some people immensely.
So that is my spiel. I always wind up writing more in response than people have actually written in their entries. Alas. My curse.
AND! I want to make it known, again, that these are just my IDEAS. They could be wrong and I am in no way trying to tell you "this is the way it is" or "you should do this or that." These are just opinions in the form of advice, things I find to be true in my own life. I hope you can relate to them but I don't mean to be preachy or anything. I hope I didn't come off that way.
♥
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