It's 1:03, I didn't sleep tonight, brain is buzzing
So I haven't slept tonight, because i can't seem to quiet down the old ticker in the cranium. Here is the thing, I haven't bought my ticket to Shanghai, because I don't want to leave the comfort and security I've built up here. Familiarity with the culture being one of the lesser factors, in the end, I am AMERICAN, culturally. Biggest thing pulling me back, my boyfriend, he is the rock on which I have been leaning for the past year and a half. How can I leave this man? Especially because he goes on and on about how he's going to miss me, and how he'll have to treasure these moments, because in times of heavy nostalgia coming in the future, he will wish he had spent more time with me. And how he's saving his last bit of money so we can relive our first date. Well half of me feels, ah, fuck it, ALL OF ME feels an insurmountable sadness at this, and I have to rush out the room and unconvincingly hide my sobbing. At the same time, the resentment builds, and I wonder, why do this to me, but then I feel terrible, and think that this is the least I deserve. Also, my cat, my cat, I have to leave my cat behind. I know he's just a cat, but I can't help but feel like he's another innocent bystander in the wake of all the destruction I have wrought. Then there is the fact that the job in Shanghai only pays about 3-4000 rmb, and i'm not sure I've even got it. There's the editor thing, of course, but that's even less certain, I for fuck's sake can't think of anything that'll get an american marketing magazine to want to take some articles from a chinese advertising company's magazine, so write that one off. Add to that, the house won't get rented out, the money's dwindling, I didn't pay the mortgage b'c I half-think that house isn't going to get rented out. I have to live w/ my aunt for the first three months. Communications in Shanghai are down b'c of fuckin' stupid urumqi riots, which means I might not be able to internets w/ Jake when I get to China. What else, what else, all this negativity is causing an avalanche, where I feel like my writing means nothing, has no basis, is just a bunch of airy fairy hippy gypsie granola BULLSHIT about blue colors in the sunset, or some other bullshit like that. Compound that with the fear that I won't be HAPPY (that fucking word) in Shanghai either, that I'll be miserable, and come back here, and start over again, but this time not as a college grad at a good company working a life of drudgery, but as a fucking failure who ran away to China, but did not have the balls to stay there. Compound that to the fact that I DO NOT THINK that we are actually going to write this script, and if we do write this script, I DO NOT BELIEVE that it is going to sell, because what? I don't trust Zach, most of all, I don't trust ME. There. Ugh. But I got myself into this, and I can only blame myself, and buy the ticket tomorrow, as soon as I call my uncle to find out THE FUCK is going on with the english teaching job.