The freak runs deep.
I have a deep streak of paranoia. External and internal. I am always afraid of what people are saying about me, thinking about me, and what they are going to do to me. For example, my co-workers and I were going out to lunch at a client. I parked the company van too close to the truck neighboring us, which made it difficult for my co-workers to get out of the van. I didn't offer to re-park because I knew that if I tried to, I would fuck up and scratch up both vehicles. I didn't explain this because I was feeling very anxious at the moment and just wanted to get into the restaurant and leave it all behind me. When we came back to the van after lunch, there was a cranky note that said something to the effect of, "couldn't getin my F150 b'c of you, fucker, I hope vultures feast on your rotting inconsiderate flesh." And then one of my co-workers gave me the LOOK. You know, the look? I'm not sure what the look meant. It might have been a look of sympathy, which it probably was, but I took the look as, "you are so rude, and I'm going to get you fired, you rude rude taco munching brat." or "you got what you deserved, you damned close-parker, I don't know what's wrong with you."
I just felt like a giant asshole. And I feel like people are still talking about it behind my back. Which makes me feel like an exposed asshole. Pulsating. Exposed.
Still thinking about this occasionaly. Letting it rise up from the murky shadowed walls of my Platonian mind. It's been a year. This must be an indication of serious mental deficiencies. Perhaps I need to eat some carrots, get B12 shots.
Other things I'm paranoid about. Going out to my car late at night to get my ankles slashed by marauders who hide under cars of single women who stay late at work. I imagine myself bleeding on the ground, my legs flopping uselessly on the cement, a dark, hulking, raincoat-and-nothing-else-wearing 4chan lurker looking mothereffer leaning over me. I know this dark fear holds a great deal of ego. Why would I be the chosen one? Wouldn't a rapist go after a woman who is less paranoid looking? But still, there's the if, and if there is an if, I somehow think that bending down quickly to look under my car is going to prevent it. I bend down quickly and then straighten back up because I'm afraid that if I bend down for a prolonged period of time, I'm exposing my back to attackers from the rear, and also my face from getting stabbed in the face by the ankle slasher. Deep down, I know, if ever there is an ankle slashing flashing rapist under my car, the fact of finding him there will probably turn me to stone in a Medusian fashion. There will be no valiant struggle, and my carkeys will not be my saving grace. Knowing this does not make me any less paranoid, however.
These are just some examples, here follows an inexhaustive list:
1. Constant paranoia over getting fired
2. fear that someone is monitoring my internet usage
3. paranoia that i have a multitude of diseases (lymphoma, alzheimers, osteo perosis)
4. paranoia that my mouth is overun by cavities
5. paranoia about the presence of mosquitoes and the west nile
6. rape, all the time
7. paranoia that upon an encounter with an actual rapist, the rapist will find me too unattractive to rape
8. paranoia that Barrack Obama will be assassinated
9. paranoia whenever I see a police car, even though I'm not doing anything wrong
10. paranoia that the cats will pee on something of mine
11. paranoia that people know me down to the core of who I am, somehow, and are disgusted
12. paranoia when turned down by people who I ask to hang out
13. Fear of being forgotten
14. Paranoid about being shot while driving
15. Paranoid that people are watching me pick my nose.
Where did all this stuff come from? I think it was the result of multiple incidents of utterly acute embarassment, when I found out oh God, those people HAD talked about me, at length, in fact (hello eighth grade, and by my two best (read: only) friends at that - ah, the suburban utopic scars that never fully heal), and oh GOD, HE SAW ME PICK MY NOSE, and OH GOD the cat pee, it's everywhere!!!
Also I think shows like "to catch a predator" and those "wanted list" shows have a lot to do with it. Also a dark morbid fascination with serial killers.
And i have to admit, a big reason I feel so paranoid all the time is because i understand how easy it is to snipe behind someone's back. Because i would do the exact same thing to someone else. If someone parked too close and was a slight bit of an inconsiderate asshole, you can be sure I'm going to be whispering about it at some point to someone. Citing an incident as stupid as that as evidence that the gosipee in question is somehow subpar, substandard, subhuman. Constant paranoia and wariness of others is the price paid for the cheap, juicy thrill of gossip. I'm not sure it's worth it.
I just felt like a giant asshole. And I feel like people are still talking about it behind my back. Which makes me feel like an exposed asshole. Pulsating. Exposed.
Still thinking about this occasionaly. Letting it rise up from the murky shadowed walls of my Platonian mind. It's been a year. This must be an indication of serious mental deficiencies. Perhaps I need to eat some carrots, get B12 shots.
Other things I'm paranoid about. Going out to my car late at night to get my ankles slashed by marauders who hide under cars of single women who stay late at work. I imagine myself bleeding on the ground, my legs flopping uselessly on the cement, a dark, hulking, raincoat-and-nothing-else-wearing 4chan lurker looking mothereffer leaning over me. I know this dark fear holds a great deal of ego. Why would I be the chosen one? Wouldn't a rapist go after a woman who is less paranoid looking? But still, there's the if, and if there is an if, I somehow think that bending down quickly to look under my car is going to prevent it. I bend down quickly and then straighten back up because I'm afraid that if I bend down for a prolonged period of time, I'm exposing my back to attackers from the rear, and also my face from getting stabbed in the face by the ankle slasher. Deep down, I know, if ever there is an ankle slashing flashing rapist under my car, the fact of finding him there will probably turn me to stone in a Medusian fashion. There will be no valiant struggle, and my carkeys will not be my saving grace. Knowing this does not make me any less paranoid, however.
These are just some examples, here follows an inexhaustive list:
1. Constant paranoia over getting fired
2. fear that someone is monitoring my internet usage
3. paranoia that i have a multitude of diseases (lymphoma, alzheimers, osteo perosis)
4. paranoia that my mouth is overun by cavities
5. paranoia about the presence of mosquitoes and the west nile
6. rape, all the time
7. paranoia that upon an encounter with an actual rapist, the rapist will find me too unattractive to rape
8. paranoia that Barrack Obama will be assassinated
9. paranoia whenever I see a police car, even though I'm not doing anything wrong
10. paranoia that the cats will pee on something of mine
11. paranoia that people know me down to the core of who I am, somehow, and are disgusted
12. paranoia when turned down by people who I ask to hang out
13. Fear of being forgotten
14. Paranoid about being shot while driving
15. Paranoid that people are watching me pick my nose.
Where did all this stuff come from? I think it was the result of multiple incidents of utterly acute embarassment, when I found out oh God, those people HAD talked about me, at length, in fact (hello eighth grade, and by my two best (read: only) friends at that - ah, the suburban utopic scars that never fully heal), and oh GOD, HE SAW ME PICK MY NOSE, and OH GOD the cat pee, it's everywhere!!!
Also I think shows like "to catch a predator" and those "wanted list" shows have a lot to do with it. Also a dark morbid fascination with serial killers.
And i have to admit, a big reason I feel so paranoid all the time is because i understand how easy it is to snipe behind someone's back. Because i would do the exact same thing to someone else. If someone parked too close and was a slight bit of an inconsiderate asshole, you can be sure I'm going to be whispering about it at some point to someone. Citing an incident as stupid as that as evidence that the gosipee in question is somehow subpar, substandard, subhuman. Constant paranoia and wariness of others is the price paid for the cheap, juicy thrill of gossip. I'm not sure it's worth it.