Seeking the Sounds of Silence
This week was a sea of juxtapositions.
On Tuesday, I went to a pre-construction meeting to discuss what's left to do before ground can be broken at my lot. I own land. I am building a house. This should be exciting and stressful. But it should also be a high point in my life.
On Wednesday, I went to court to be arraigned for my DUII offense. It's possible that I may be eligible for diversion. It's unclear right now. Though I was in a diversion program earlier, it looks like the state expunged the record. If that's the case, I could be eligible for diversion again. This would be infinitely better than the alternative. Otherwise, I am looking at a year suspended license, an ignition interlock device in my car, the likelihood of 10 days in jail, and $1,000-$6,250 fine. I probably wouldn't be eligible for a hardship license because I work from home, though I'm going to apply for it based on the contractual need to work on the house. I also have to pay for the device to be installed on the car. I might also have to go to classes and a victim impact panel. If I go diversion, I would still have a suspended license but probably only for 90 days and will be able to drive to the classes and possible to work on the house. There would still be fines, classes, and a victim impact panel. I would be spared jail time and possibly the ignition interlock device.
I got new pants and shoes in order to look presentable at court. I had to hem the pants. It was an all-night project because these were nice, black, tailored pants and I didn't want to screw it up. My mom helped me.
I am six years old again, passing messages between parents.
I cannot reconcile all the things happening in my life. They feel like they should not belong to the same person. I should be working on this new, exciting chapter in my life, after having moved clear across the country for a new start. Instead, I am out here studying stones, trying to learn to be less alive being quiet, still, and patient. Scared. Trying to empty myself of unhelpful emotions and thoughts.
The line between denial and trying to acknowlege and move on from those things which you cannot change is razor sharp.
I wish I had been enough of an adult that night to avoid all of this. I am going to go through a tremendous amount of pressure, compaction, like layers of rock being squashed over time, but I'm not sure what I'm going to learn from it. I already messed up like this once before and I had been so careful but got less and less so over time. How do I make sure I never make this mistake again? I'm terrified that I'm not a creature that can learn. That my fundamental flaws will always trip me up. That no matter how mature and stable I get, that I can destroy it all in one quick swoop, and that I will always find a way to do that, because I always have.
I need to figure out how to become a disciplined person because my cobbled-together life is always in threat of falling apart. I don't want this.
On Tuesday, I went to a pre-construction meeting to discuss what's left to do before ground can be broken at my lot. I own land. I am building a house. This should be exciting and stressful. But it should also be a high point in my life.
On Wednesday, I went to court to be arraigned for my DUII offense. It's possible that I may be eligible for diversion. It's unclear right now. Though I was in a diversion program earlier, it looks like the state expunged the record. If that's the case, I could be eligible for diversion again. This would be infinitely better than the alternative. Otherwise, I am looking at a year suspended license, an ignition interlock device in my car, the likelihood of 10 days in jail, and $1,000-$6,250 fine. I probably wouldn't be eligible for a hardship license because I work from home, though I'm going to apply for it based on the contractual need to work on the house. I also have to pay for the device to be installed on the car. I might also have to go to classes and a victim impact panel. If I go diversion, I would still have a suspended license but probably only for 90 days and will be able to drive to the classes and possible to work on the house. There would still be fines, classes, and a victim impact panel. I would be spared jail time and possibly the ignition interlock device.
I got new pants and shoes in order to look presentable at court. I had to hem the pants. It was an all-night project because these were nice, black, tailored pants and I didn't want to screw it up. My mom helped me.
I am six years old again, passing messages between parents.
I cannot reconcile all the things happening in my life. They feel like they should not belong to the same person. I should be working on this new, exciting chapter in my life, after having moved clear across the country for a new start. Instead, I am out here studying stones, trying to learn to be less alive being quiet, still, and patient. Scared. Trying to empty myself of unhelpful emotions and thoughts.
The line between denial and trying to acknowlege and move on from those things which you cannot change is razor sharp.
I wish I had been enough of an adult that night to avoid all of this. I am going to go through a tremendous amount of pressure, compaction, like layers of rock being squashed over time, but I'm not sure what I'm going to learn from it. I already messed up like this once before and I had been so careful but got less and less so over time. How do I make sure I never make this mistake again? I'm terrified that I'm not a creature that can learn. That my fundamental flaws will always trip me up. That no matter how mature and stable I get, that I can destroy it all in one quick swoop, and that I will always find a way to do that, because I always have.
I need to figure out how to become a disciplined person because my cobbled-together life is always in threat of falling apart. I don't want this.