Something I wrote when the internet was out.
Just a little rant?
May 16th 2010, Sunday
Adam's Song- Blink 182
Dear Diary,
So here I am. First cigarette tasted so nice. 8 left in the second pack. Andrew asked why I started smoking and I told him I had a bad Mayfest. I hope he doesn't think I am referring to what he told me the day after Mayfest. I'm thinking of clearing that up.
All I did was support his choice. I do want to be his friend. It wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. And I did choose to become infatuated with him, to touch him like a lover. I certainly need to tell him about the role he played in my break up with Luis. Meeting Andrew helped me bury Luis for good. That last fight was very final, but I fear I may have gone back to him still if Andrew hadn't entered the picture. I also want to thank him for waiting for me.
As for what I am to do next, I'm not sure. It's going to be slower, better. I'm not just going to have sex with someone anymore if they aren't in it for the long run. Of course, it's debatable what "in the long run" means. In Andrew's case, he still talks to me and considers me a friend. I consider that the long run. A friendship. I have a good feeling we might end up being friends for a while, and I might see him again. If I don't, that's okay, too.
I will never need a man to complete me in any way and no man deserves to enter me without my strong desire for him to do so, having earned my respect and trust.
-----
Cramps. Ugh. IUD went in May 4th. "Oh... Are you done, then?" "No, we were just measuring your uterus." Ouch.
I just never ever want to get pregnant. And I don't want to be on a pill or nuvaring or anything. I just need to be careful with STDs. Really careful.
So Andrew. At least we don't have herpes?
He seemed confused that I touched him the way I did. "No one's ever touched me like that before." His last girlfriend, he explained, just used him. The sex was emotionless. We hadn't even had sex yet, and I would stroke his arms with loving gentleness, and kiss his neck slowly, lightly, taking my time to make him feel completely washed in love.
He did have some sort of problem with orgasm. "My body has been changing, I'm not really sure when I'm coming or not." I think it has to do with the abortion. He's afraid to orgasm because he associates it with the pain from that loss. I told him it wouldn't happen again. I really didn't know how to help him there. I just hope he's finding an easier time enjoying himself with Mia.
-----
Need to write resume. Must not end up like Fernando. Must NOT end up like Fernando. Must not be fat and play too many video games. Speaking of which.
I need to lose weight. Seriously. I'm thinking of fasting tomorrow or something. Detoxing. All I'll drink is tea and water, and I'll eat vegetables. That's it. Just veggies. For as long possible. Or something. I need to weigh like... 135 before school starts. Maybe I'll get a detox kit. It's hard at first but then your metabolism gets used to burning your fat reserves and it isn't so bad.
I also need to stop smoking cigarettes. Jennifer made me promise to stop after I finish this pack. 8 more smokes. Then no more.
Another summer goal is to socialize these rats. Really get them to trust me. It will take time, but I can do it. It is such a great feeling to see these animals warm up to me. They are getting better at taking food from my fingers, being careful with their teeth.
Should I call Andrew? He said he'd call me before he left. And that he was leaving today. And he hasn't called. Hmm. I'll just let it be. I left him the message that said I wasn't interested in his bike. He didn't get back to me about that either. Whatever.
May 16th 2010, Sunday
Adam's Song- Blink 182
Dear Diary,
So here I am. First cigarette tasted so nice. 8 left in the second pack. Andrew asked why I started smoking and I told him I had a bad Mayfest. I hope he doesn't think I am referring to what he told me the day after Mayfest. I'm thinking of clearing that up.
All I did was support his choice. I do want to be his friend. It wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. And I did choose to become infatuated with him, to touch him like a lover. I certainly need to tell him about the role he played in my break up with Luis. Meeting Andrew helped me bury Luis for good. That last fight was very final, but I fear I may have gone back to him still if Andrew hadn't entered the picture. I also want to thank him for waiting for me.
As for what I am to do next, I'm not sure. It's going to be slower, better. I'm not just going to have sex with someone anymore if they aren't in it for the long run. Of course, it's debatable what "in the long run" means. In Andrew's case, he still talks to me and considers me a friend. I consider that the long run. A friendship. I have a good feeling we might end up being friends for a while, and I might see him again. If I don't, that's okay, too.
I will never need a man to complete me in any way and no man deserves to enter me without my strong desire for him to do so, having earned my respect and trust.
-----
Cramps. Ugh. IUD went in May 4th. "Oh... Are you done, then?" "No, we were just measuring your uterus." Ouch.
I just never ever want to get pregnant. And I don't want to be on a pill or nuvaring or anything. I just need to be careful with STDs. Really careful.
So Andrew. At least we don't have herpes?
He seemed confused that I touched him the way I did. "No one's ever touched me like that before." His last girlfriend, he explained, just used him. The sex was emotionless. We hadn't even had sex yet, and I would stroke his arms with loving gentleness, and kiss his neck slowly, lightly, taking my time to make him feel completely washed in love.
He did have some sort of problem with orgasm. "My body has been changing, I'm not really sure when I'm coming or not." I think it has to do with the abortion. He's afraid to orgasm because he associates it with the pain from that loss. I told him it wouldn't happen again. I really didn't know how to help him there. I just hope he's finding an easier time enjoying himself with Mia.
-----
Need to write resume. Must not end up like Fernando. Must NOT end up like Fernando. Must not be fat and play too many video games. Speaking of which.
I need to lose weight. Seriously. I'm thinking of fasting tomorrow or something. Detoxing. All I'll drink is tea and water, and I'll eat vegetables. That's it. Just veggies. For as long possible. Or something. I need to weigh like... 135 before school starts. Maybe I'll get a detox kit. It's hard at first but then your metabolism gets used to burning your fat reserves and it isn't so bad.
I also need to stop smoking cigarettes. Jennifer made me promise to stop after I finish this pack. 8 more smokes. Then no more.
Another summer goal is to socialize these rats. Really get them to trust me. It will take time, but I can do it. It is such a great feeling to see these animals warm up to me. They are getting better at taking food from my fingers, being careful with their teeth.
Should I call Andrew? He said he'd call me before he left. And that he was leaving today. And he hasn't called. Hmm. I'll just let it be. I left him the message that said I wasn't interested in his bike. He didn't get back to me about that either. Whatever.