enough
bore, boring, bored.with my life. with myself. with my situations. i want a change and i know i have to be the one to make it, so im going to have to suck it up and do it.
i feel close to no one. and i know your thinking "well except me right? she cant be thinking of me" but i am. i dont feel all that "connected" with ANYone. it sucks
im kind of scared i never got over the whole bipolar thing, (spare me the scientific research here please, cuz i did feel like it was past me, and i got over it, while i did definetly feel i fell into the guidlines of that specification) like i had several months being manic and on top of the world, and now im crashing-fast and horribly. im scared. arthur reasured me that im going to fight it, and everything will pass, he says he felt the same way-feeling dissconnected with everyone-when he first moved in, and i helped him move past it. but i cant help but wonder, is anyone that dedicated to me to help me through it? i doubt it.
that brings me to the fact that im totally sick of doing things for other people. im sick of being "too nice" im sick of caring so much, im sick of being generous. it really doesnt get me much, and that never bothered me before, i like seeing others happy and that was enough, but i dont really see any appreciation anymore, it doesnt do anything for me or anyone else lately, besides leaving me feeling used. yeah freinds will say they care alot about me, but honestly im not feeling it. and i dont just feel disconnected with everyone else i feel that way with myself. it sucks.
last night while reading catch 22 i remembered how much i wanted to write something moving, i wanted to write novels. i still do want this. im just so ingrained with hesitation and low confidence that it seems like i can never beat that urge to just sit back and forget my dreams. although thats the very fate i promised myself never to fall into. i want to do something different. i want to feel good about myself, and i want to do great things.
the breast reduction decision has been made. im doing it, i looked at myself a few years from now, maybe ill have kids, my back cant take that. it cant take the weight now. and i have such a horrible self image that it makes me sick. i dont want to care about how i look, but i do to an extent. ill admit it and i know everyone else does too.
so tonight im bringing weezer to my house and hopefully she will keep me company. that is if dozer doesnt eat her. im gonna watch the rest of degrassi at my parents house, bring home a couple things i need, like a sewing kit, clothes, record player, and tv for my room so i can play zelda in peace. (granted i can easily live without all those things but for tonight i want to do something other than just sit around and drink, while i listen to nameless roomates complain about us not doing anything, and continuously ask me what my deal is)
i feel close to no one. and i know your thinking "well except me right? she cant be thinking of me" but i am. i dont feel all that "connected" with ANYone. it sucks
im kind of scared i never got over the whole bipolar thing, (spare me the scientific research here please, cuz i did feel like it was past me, and i got over it, while i did definetly feel i fell into the guidlines of that specification) like i had several months being manic and on top of the world, and now im crashing-fast and horribly. im scared. arthur reasured me that im going to fight it, and everything will pass, he says he felt the same way-feeling dissconnected with everyone-when he first moved in, and i helped him move past it. but i cant help but wonder, is anyone that dedicated to me to help me through it? i doubt it.
that brings me to the fact that im totally sick of doing things for other people. im sick of being "too nice" im sick of caring so much, im sick of being generous. it really doesnt get me much, and that never bothered me before, i like seeing others happy and that was enough, but i dont really see any appreciation anymore, it doesnt do anything for me or anyone else lately, besides leaving me feeling used. yeah freinds will say they care alot about me, but honestly im not feeling it. and i dont just feel disconnected with everyone else i feel that way with myself. it sucks.
last night while reading catch 22 i remembered how much i wanted to write something moving, i wanted to write novels. i still do want this. im just so ingrained with hesitation and low confidence that it seems like i can never beat that urge to just sit back and forget my dreams. although thats the very fate i promised myself never to fall into. i want to do something different. i want to feel good about myself, and i want to do great things.
the breast reduction decision has been made. im doing it, i looked at myself a few years from now, maybe ill have kids, my back cant take that. it cant take the weight now. and i have such a horrible self image that it makes me sick. i dont want to care about how i look, but i do to an extent. ill admit it and i know everyone else does too.
so tonight im bringing weezer to my house and hopefully she will keep me company. that is if dozer doesnt eat her. im gonna watch the rest of degrassi at my parents house, bring home a couple things i need, like a sewing kit, clothes, record player, and tv for my room so i can play zelda in peace. (granted i can easily live without all those things but for tonight i want to do something other than just sit around and drink, while i listen to nameless roomates complain about us not doing anything, and continuously ask me what my deal is)