New layout
NEW LAYOUT, ya'lls.
This rarely happens, So please check it out. Because I think it's neat.
I just got finished with a jam session with myself on my keyboards on a Saturday night. That initially shows how crazy my Saturday nights get. I've got a whole week of work off and haven't exactly taken advantage of it, but I still have a few days left to take that up... I haven't been around too much, because I'm trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, I think I'm done with trying to "figure" things out because I've noticed I've just been wasting my time doing that, instead of living. I've allowed my emotions to get to me and I've been spending too much time being self-absorbed and being tangled in whatever drama that I put myself into. I think I just needed time-off to think to myself to really understand the idea though. For one thing I've realized is everything is subject to change, so no more dependency on expectations. I just really need to trust faith more, leave it be. (as if that's really easy to do..) I honestly look back at my life and feel spoiled because I've been handed such a easy-route life that it's taken me to a point when things get a little tough, I don't know how to handle myself and just shut entirely out. So what... I have a few character flaws I'm working on. Believe me people, I'm working on it...including, answering that damn phone of mine.
I have issues of shutting people out when I get into a self-trial in life. For a few reasons, I feel like my problems are so juvenile that I don't want to harass people with my issues that I revert to closing myself into my own space until I figure it out myself. Then if I am overwhelmingly emotionally, I hate interaction with friends because I just have this unconscience fear of being "too emotional." and absolute hate talking about myself too exceedingly and there I go trying to do this all by myself, once again. I'm too analytical, too impersonal, too much of everything or too less, either/or. I just don't know. I'm so confused and trying to find some inner logic to why I am the way that I am but all in all it just makes me sound like I am either insane and selfish. Which I can be both, but for reasonably conclusions that I am trying to justify to all of you, who even care. Maybe there is no good exuse at all, but I am genuinely sorry. I just hate that I seem so inconsiderate when I don't return some phone calls, or lose contact with close relations and it seems like I don't care or even consider you, but in all honesty, I really do. I hate the way I don't realize my affect on people. I apologize most to my best friend who deserves my every waking attention. I think it's time for a character-growth in myself and actually start trying to progress out of my inconsiderate ways. I need to get out of my bad habits of being so self-reliant and actually be accessible to the people who care about me. So all in all, if this applies to you, I'm trying to change, I promise.
Alright, so when it comes to livejournal, I don't depict too much of what's really going on but just what's on the surface, but anyone who really knows me is probably wondering what's really going on that I hide so much. Most of the time, when something is truly happening, I just stop writing altogether in it so I can pretend it's not happening. I tend to wait challenges out hoping that it will just pass me by, unfortunately things don't occur that way. Even I'm not that passive. The true measure of a person is how they are at those times of challenges. I'm hoping I'll measure up to something better than I have been dealing these last couple of months. I hate these emo entries, because over the internet, people craete their personal perception in how things are being said from they read on the screen. I feel like most of the time, interpretation of my writing is being read indifferently from how I meant it. Also, the way I hint at certain things can be taken in so many ways that I don't even know what I'm implying half of the time when I read back. Whatever. I'm not as 1/2 manic/depressive as I am. Although, I can claim that my feelings are a bit unstable.
Okay, so anyone really want to know my deal? ahh I don't know just yet. Maybe next entry. Gah, who am I kidding, why do I even think anyone read to this point to want to read more. Self point proven, I'm going to have to call it a night and maybe nest time I can open up a bit to the internet. haha... "my e-life". in all honesty, this is the most conceited entry I have ever written in all of my time on this stupid website.
Yes, everyone, I am still feeling immensely nostalgic but I'm moving along.