(no subject)
i'm not sure what i've been telling myself. i'm not sure that i know WHY i made myself think i am so content. i knew where everything stood in the situation. but things still come as some sort of shock to me. i am content... to an extent. and HONESTLY... i really don't think i even WANT a lot of the things that i wanted up until recently. maybe i do? maybe i tried to make things seem better, when they never really were at all. maybe i'm just looking for something bridge the gap between being content... and being 100% happy with everything life has to offer. i miss it. it was a familiar feeling. was. i really haven't been there in a long, long time. i'd say... a good year and a half. at one point, with josh foster, i was 100% completely happy with life. but even that didn't last. i guess it just goes to show you that really, truely, nothing gold CAN stay. how sad? i know things were never meant to last forever with josh. our lifestyles didn't mesh... and we forced everything for a long time. after josh... my life went through this whirlwind of change. i kept my same friends... morgan and liz [who really were the only friends i had], but i met so many new people. my life changed so much. i know i changed... but i can't decide if i've been everything i can to everyone. i can't decide if i'm still as good a person as i was a year and a half ago. i was naive. i was new. i knew so little, but i held so much it seems. and now. i am none of those. or atleast i feel that way.
i'm happy on oak island. i am distanced from most any drama that i was ever ever a part of in greensboro or at home. i have rachel and josh, my house mates, to keep me company. and of course... i have the other josh as well. yea. yesterday was an oddly emotional day for me. i guess i'm allowed to have those once in a while. i started missing my dog alot. as lame as that sounds to all of you. my dog is my life. josh kinda thought i was lame... but oh well. of course... we made food. we always do. we went and hung out with his family. i absolutely love his family. everything about them. they are amazing. and SO entertaining. josh taught me how to play chess. first game ever. i won. his dad pointed it out "she's got you in checkmate". josh got pissed. how cute.
josh owes me a unicorn. that is all there is to that.
we had major heart-to-heartage yesterday/last night. we tried to dye his hair but nothing happened. oh... except we sat in the bathroom for an hour just talking about things. i learned alotta new stuff. then later i took him home. that's where i learned the most. i guess i didn't really learn anything, actually. 'cause i knew it all already. it was just strange to hear certain things. to know that certain words were hanging in the air. i never mean to hurt josh. he never means to hurt me. but we do it. as much as i hate to say it... i'm back to feeling the same as i did alot last summer. i guess there's alot of self-hate. hate's a strong word but i couldn't think of a better one. i kind of feel disgusted. i definately feel let down, even though i knew the situation in it's entirety.
it's not even this situation that bothers me COMPLETELY. it's just a buildup of things. let downs... repeatedly. but i do set myself up. i don't let people walk all over me, but i let people into my heart. i let them get comfortable in there, and then, somehow, i let them come and go as they please. over and over.
"i guess we're both just really good at hiding things from each other..."
quote of the week.
my heart fucking hurts.
"And all the gold dust in her eyes
Won’t reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone
Life comes to those that are true
She's moving on without you"
i'm happy on oak island. i am distanced from most any drama that i was ever ever a part of in greensboro or at home. i have rachel and josh, my house mates, to keep me company. and of course... i have the other josh as well. yea. yesterday was an oddly emotional day for me. i guess i'm allowed to have those once in a while. i started missing my dog alot. as lame as that sounds to all of you. my dog is my life. josh kinda thought i was lame... but oh well. of course... we made food. we always do. we went and hung out with his family. i absolutely love his family. everything about them. they are amazing. and SO entertaining. josh taught me how to play chess. first game ever. i won. his dad pointed it out "she's got you in checkmate". josh got pissed. how cute.
josh owes me a unicorn. that is all there is to that.
we had major heart-to-heartage yesterday/last night. we tried to dye his hair but nothing happened. oh... except we sat in the bathroom for an hour just talking about things. i learned alotta new stuff. then later i took him home. that's where i learned the most. i guess i didn't really learn anything, actually. 'cause i knew it all already. it was just strange to hear certain things. to know that certain words were hanging in the air. i never mean to hurt josh. he never means to hurt me. but we do it. as much as i hate to say it... i'm back to feeling the same as i did alot last summer. i guess there's alot of self-hate. hate's a strong word but i couldn't think of a better one. i kind of feel disgusted. i definately feel let down, even though i knew the situation in it's entirety.
it's not even this situation that bothers me COMPLETELY. it's just a buildup of things. let downs... repeatedly. but i do set myself up. i don't let people walk all over me, but i let people into my heart. i let them get comfortable in there, and then, somehow, i let them come and go as they please. over and over.
"i guess we're both just really good at hiding things from each other..."
quote of the week.
my heart fucking hurts.
"And all the gold dust in her eyes
Won’t reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone
Life comes to those that are true
She's moving on without you"