Confessions. (part two)
(you're going to want to read the entry before this. :] )
I am the queen of self reflection... dare not doubt it.
The year I spent at Reno was my most defining yet. The friendship Sarah and I developed after that night was one of the most treasured things in my life back then and it still is now. In so many ways she made that year what it was for me and despite the silly arguments we sometimes got in, occasional drama or both of us generally being crazy, it persevered on. Her and Olivia, another close friend we gained along the way, became SOS with me. We were inseparable in those hallways and that town. It didn't matter what we were doing, we somehow all seemed to just make it click and work. Olivia was often there, although she was smart usually and slept for class. Sarah and I however.. well, long story. But be it walking to the mailboxes to check our mail at 3AM, walking downtown at obscene times to see a movie, get coffee, take pictures, visiting the g-spot ( :p ), spending obscene amounts of time at our favorite café eating their yummy deserts - we were together. Or downloading movies at the dorm illegally, walking down to the river, hanging out in the hallways and just talking for ages (pouring our freakin' hearts out), visiting Michael down at the front desk at 4AM to see how things were. Walgreenswalgreenswalgreens! The 4985492 pictures we took on Sarah's camera of just near everything, how we'd spend hours in the card isles ooooh'ing and awww'ing over the best ones, our shared crazed beliefs about Miran, the countless 7AM breakfasts in the college cafeteria because we had stayed up all night long. I had finally found a friend that was actually close, knew me entirely and wouldn't go away. That despite the disagreements we had (one which lasted about a year even), she stayed put and still does. Eventually Reno ended for both of us and in many ways I could have seen us separating as another loss, but I knew it would never be like that with Sarah. Despite the distance, despite the fact we can now go over a month without talking, when we do it feels like we never stopped. It's a friendship that works, doesn't take backbreaking effort to make it so and one that finally helped me feel protected and safe from the countless other friendships in my past which damn near didn't exist at all come this point.
At this point I thought I'd be okay. That the loss was over and it was time to move on.
Until, well, I started dating.
I don't need to regale all of you with details on the three major relationships I've been in, it's been done before a few entries down. In every case (if you need to be reminded), I gave myself absolutely, entirely, physically/emotionally over. I'm stupid in relationships. It's what I do. I sacrifice completely, I can be too selfless, I throw my heart in absolutely. When I'm happy with someone in the regards I was with Ron and Miko, I plan. I'm not talking babies or marriage; I plan and look forward to the mere days ahead with hope. I dive into deeply, I often place their needs above mine because, well, I'm insane, and I can get so wrapped up in merely being happy with someone that I too easily begin to live my life around them. I suffocate without meaning to. I've never quite figured out how to be in a fully functional relationship on my behalf. I compromise too much because I don't think the other should have to, I hate, fear and freeze come heated discussions (even if they might be the best for the situation at hand) because of everything I witnessed with my parents growing up and I'm just shy and unsure. I have to explain my actions to death, I don't know if I truly know how to listen and I love way too damn soon. By the time Nick, Ron and Miko got to me, I wanted to give them the benefit I could give Sarah and Angy. I wanted to believe they'd stick with me. I wanted desperately to shake the belief that I was the cause which drove so many away.. and as I dated in those different cases, I was in a constant battle with myself to try and hold on.
The past has spoken for itself, obviously because I am now single, we know how things ended up. I'm not about to sit here and make confirmations that I indeed was the only one who messed things up in those three occurrences; I know it takes two to make a relationship crumble. And if I'm giving off the impression that I'm still upset about these past breakups, know that I am not. If anything they've made me deeply reflective to the situation at hand. Could they see how hard I tried to hold on? Could that of driven them away? Could they see how freakin' terrified I was to lose them? Upon their exits from my life, a monstrous front was given to my insecurities. And this front now reigns supreme.
In the midst of all of this, we arrive as to where I am now. All of this has been a (freakin' huge) lead up of explanation to get here. If I know how to do anything, it's how to make something entirely TOO lengthy.
"But like all other human beings, she did not always act according to her understanding. She had lost too many of the people that she loved when she felt one more of them slipping away, her response was visceral, not intellectual. [she] had lost too many strong figures in her life, too many people she depended on. … She might be protective and caring with [those she cared about], whom she thought of as needing her, but the people she needed, she was the opposite. If she feared that they would be taken away from her, she withdrew from them; she stopped permitting herself to need them."
I love you all, I do. And I'm sorry if the things I'm about to say will hurt. I just have to finally admit this somewhere. I'm at a point right now that is stuck in these regards, I'm living my life in fear of past burns and in a constant struggle to move on from it all. The reason I said, "I am, without question, a horrible friend, sister, cousin and daughter to all of you" is simple. It's true. Stigmas are created in loss, opinions and beliefs are formed through patterns (which I've seen many) and walls are built to block off the inevitable one comes to expect. Whenever I feel or sense any of you (to my best friends, to my sisters, to anyone) slip, my immediate reaction is to ready myself. If it furthers, my mind reacts in second nature (which is what it's honestly become) - silently cutting ties to soften the inevitable blow I've come to expect. My motives hold no prejudice; it doesn't matter if you've been my best friend for six years or sister for 23, those who've meant the world to me in the past were able to do it… So what's stopping those that I care about from doing it too? Regardless if I highly doubt Angy would randomly give up on me now or that Jess would just somehow leave, my mind immediately panics in withdrawal from situations akin to before. I am a coward… And I apologize.
Somewhere along the lines I've developed a belief I'm just not good enough to hold onto. There's a part of me that honestly believes if any of you were to let go, I wouldn't blame you.. Because I might of done it too. This sounds pathetic and I'm sorry, it IS pathetic. But how does one truly shake that belief?
It's not enough that I've been graciously gifted with the friendships I do have with Sarah and Angy, that they've shown me they're not going to do what so many have before and they've passed so many steps in my mind, but I'm still seeded in doubt. If for an instant a different color shows and I fear they might be taken away from me (and taken away could mean a mere argument to me), I immediately permit myself to stop needing them. It makes the argument easier, the distance there after easier and I can frankly become mute to the situation. Yes, the friendship inevitably picks back up as it always has (which I love, love, love you two for), but it doesn't change the fact I literally slice away all emotional detachment for the sake to overcome it. It isn't right.
As the distance lays between Jess and I as it does, I stand at a protective distance truly believing if something was to somehow go wrong to foil our sisterly pack (or if my saddening lack of involvement in her children's lives were to finally piss her off enough to act), I already have a thousand plus mile wall built up to somewhat soften the impact. Those who matter most to me are who scare me most. Admitting that nearly brings me to tears.
((I genuinely don't want this turn into a "woe is me" fest and I'm sorry if it is, that wasn't my intentions at all.))
I've made a new friend recently. He's freakin' great and I don't care what he says. And I'm unsure if he still reads this.. but he's continually a victim to this. Since the debacle that elementary/middle/high school was, I haven't been extraordinaire on this friend front (which is mostly my own fault now) so I'm already left questioning.. Could I actually be daring enough to let him in on all regards as any true friend would? Is it too risky to provide him with the real ammunition that he could hurt me with? I want to say I'm a good person, I want to say I'm understanding, but I treat him just as I do Angy, Jess and Sarah. If I see something faltering, I ready.. If it worsens, I panic and withdraw. I've become so used to being hurt and left behind that I've developed self-defense mechanisms to not ever possibly put myself in the situation again. (Yet.. I'm letting him read this. I make no sense.)
And If I don't ever open myself up.. how can I truly EVER be a friend?
Recently I did something I regret. Very much so. I messed up a true chance I would have had at finally knowing someone in Bellingham. We started talking through Craigslist not long ago. Her name was Mallory, she was wonderful, nice, honest, a lot like me and we could of truly, truly of been friends. And I panicked. She was too close, she could of faltered and hurt me without even thinking because I felt so target-able and weak at the time. Because I didn't know what else to do, I withdrew. And I'm angry with myself now because of it. I'm so stupidly timid to truly let those near in because I feel they could break me the easiest. But why is it I keep thinking and claiming others can break me, when the only person who should have that kind of power over me is MYSELF?
The openness and rawness in posting this itself is going to literally make me nauseas. To expose myself completely in such a regard is putting myself in one of the most uncomfortable, unwanted spots yet. But it's exactly what I HAVE to do right now.
All I know right now is this. If I continually keep doing this.. Pulling away when I see something "threatened" and not being strong enough to throw myself to the line, the only person who is going to keep continually driving those away and making myself alone is me. This is no one's fault but my own. I cannot keep living in fear because of what the past has brought. People are a hellofalot better than I can give them credit for. And this has to stop. Now.
I am the queen of self reflection... dare not doubt it.
The year I spent at Reno was my most defining yet. The friendship Sarah and I developed after that night was one of the most treasured things in my life back then and it still is now. In so many ways she made that year what it was for me and despite the silly arguments we sometimes got in, occasional drama or both of us generally being crazy, it persevered on. Her and Olivia, another close friend we gained along the way, became SOS with me. We were inseparable in those hallways and that town. It didn't matter what we were doing, we somehow all seemed to just make it click and work. Olivia was often there, although she was smart usually and slept for class. Sarah and I however.. well, long story. But be it walking to the mailboxes to check our mail at 3AM, walking downtown at obscene times to see a movie, get coffee, take pictures, visiting the g-spot ( :p ), spending obscene amounts of time at our favorite café eating their yummy deserts - we were together. Or downloading movies at the dorm illegally, walking down to the river, hanging out in the hallways and just talking for ages (pouring our freakin' hearts out), visiting Michael down at the front desk at 4AM to see how things were. Walgreenswalgreenswalgreens! The 4985492 pictures we took on Sarah's camera of just near everything, how we'd spend hours in the card isles ooooh'ing and awww'ing over the best ones, our shared crazed beliefs about Miran, the countless 7AM breakfasts in the college cafeteria because we had stayed up all night long. I had finally found a friend that was actually close, knew me entirely and wouldn't go away. That despite the disagreements we had (one which lasted about a year even), she stayed put and still does. Eventually Reno ended for both of us and in many ways I could have seen us separating as another loss, but I knew it would never be like that with Sarah. Despite the distance, despite the fact we can now go over a month without talking, when we do it feels like we never stopped. It's a friendship that works, doesn't take backbreaking effort to make it so and one that finally helped me feel protected and safe from the countless other friendships in my past which damn near didn't exist at all come this point.
At this point I thought I'd be okay. That the loss was over and it was time to move on.
Until, well, I started dating.
I don't need to regale all of you with details on the three major relationships I've been in, it's been done before a few entries down. In every case (if you need to be reminded), I gave myself absolutely, entirely, physically/emotionally over. I'm stupid in relationships. It's what I do. I sacrifice completely, I can be too selfless, I throw my heart in absolutely. When I'm happy with someone in the regards I was with Ron and Miko, I plan. I'm not talking babies or marriage; I plan and look forward to the mere days ahead with hope. I dive into deeply, I often place their needs above mine because, well, I'm insane, and I can get so wrapped up in merely being happy with someone that I too easily begin to live my life around them. I suffocate without meaning to. I've never quite figured out how to be in a fully functional relationship on my behalf. I compromise too much because I don't think the other should have to, I hate, fear and freeze come heated discussions (even if they might be the best for the situation at hand) because of everything I witnessed with my parents growing up and I'm just shy and unsure. I have to explain my actions to death, I don't know if I truly know how to listen and I love way too damn soon. By the time Nick, Ron and Miko got to me, I wanted to give them the benefit I could give Sarah and Angy. I wanted to believe they'd stick with me. I wanted desperately to shake the belief that I was the cause which drove so many away.. and as I dated in those different cases, I was in a constant battle with myself to try and hold on.
The past has spoken for itself, obviously because I am now single, we know how things ended up. I'm not about to sit here and make confirmations that I indeed was the only one who messed things up in those three occurrences; I know it takes two to make a relationship crumble. And if I'm giving off the impression that I'm still upset about these past breakups, know that I am not. If anything they've made me deeply reflective to the situation at hand. Could they see how hard I tried to hold on? Could that of driven them away? Could they see how freakin' terrified I was to lose them? Upon their exits from my life, a monstrous front was given to my insecurities. And this front now reigns supreme.
In the midst of all of this, we arrive as to where I am now. All of this has been a (freakin' huge) lead up of explanation to get here. If I know how to do anything, it's how to make something entirely TOO lengthy.
"But like all other human beings, she did not always act according to her understanding. She had lost too many of the people that she loved when she felt one more of them slipping away, her response was visceral, not intellectual. [she] had lost too many strong figures in her life, too many people she depended on. … She might be protective and caring with [those she cared about], whom she thought of as needing her, but the people she needed, she was the opposite. If she feared that they would be taken away from her, she withdrew from them; she stopped permitting herself to need them."
I love you all, I do. And I'm sorry if the things I'm about to say will hurt. I just have to finally admit this somewhere. I'm at a point right now that is stuck in these regards, I'm living my life in fear of past burns and in a constant struggle to move on from it all. The reason I said, "I am, without question, a horrible friend, sister, cousin and daughter to all of you" is simple. It's true. Stigmas are created in loss, opinions and beliefs are formed through patterns (which I've seen many) and walls are built to block off the inevitable one comes to expect. Whenever I feel or sense any of you (to my best friends, to my sisters, to anyone) slip, my immediate reaction is to ready myself. If it furthers, my mind reacts in second nature (which is what it's honestly become) - silently cutting ties to soften the inevitable blow I've come to expect. My motives hold no prejudice; it doesn't matter if you've been my best friend for six years or sister for 23, those who've meant the world to me in the past were able to do it… So what's stopping those that I care about from doing it too? Regardless if I highly doubt Angy would randomly give up on me now or that Jess would just somehow leave, my mind immediately panics in withdrawal from situations akin to before. I am a coward… And I apologize.
Somewhere along the lines I've developed a belief I'm just not good enough to hold onto. There's a part of me that honestly believes if any of you were to let go, I wouldn't blame you.. Because I might of done it too. This sounds pathetic and I'm sorry, it IS pathetic. But how does one truly shake that belief?
It's not enough that I've been graciously gifted with the friendships I do have with Sarah and Angy, that they've shown me they're not going to do what so many have before and they've passed so many steps in my mind, but I'm still seeded in doubt. If for an instant a different color shows and I fear they might be taken away from me (and taken away could mean a mere argument to me), I immediately permit myself to stop needing them. It makes the argument easier, the distance there after easier and I can frankly become mute to the situation. Yes, the friendship inevitably picks back up as it always has (which I love, love, love you two for), but it doesn't change the fact I literally slice away all emotional detachment for the sake to overcome it. It isn't right.
As the distance lays between Jess and I as it does, I stand at a protective distance truly believing if something was to somehow go wrong to foil our sisterly pack (or if my saddening lack of involvement in her children's lives were to finally piss her off enough to act), I already have a thousand plus mile wall built up to somewhat soften the impact. Those who matter most to me are who scare me most. Admitting that nearly brings me to tears.
((I genuinely don't want this turn into a "woe is me" fest and I'm sorry if it is, that wasn't my intentions at all.))
I've made a new friend recently. He's freakin' great and I don't care what he says. And I'm unsure if he still reads this.. but he's continually a victim to this. Since the debacle that elementary/middle/high school was, I haven't been extraordinaire on this friend front (which is mostly my own fault now) so I'm already left questioning.. Could I actually be daring enough to let him in on all regards as any true friend would? Is it too risky to provide him with the real ammunition that he could hurt me with? I want to say I'm a good person, I want to say I'm understanding, but I treat him just as I do Angy, Jess and Sarah. If I see something faltering, I ready.. If it worsens, I panic and withdraw. I've become so used to being hurt and left behind that I've developed self-defense mechanisms to not ever possibly put myself in the situation again. (Yet.. I'm letting him read this. I make no sense.)
And If I don't ever open myself up.. how can I truly EVER be a friend?
Recently I did something I regret. Very much so. I messed up a true chance I would have had at finally knowing someone in Bellingham. We started talking through Craigslist not long ago. Her name was Mallory, she was wonderful, nice, honest, a lot like me and we could of truly, truly of been friends. And I panicked. She was too close, she could of faltered and hurt me without even thinking because I felt so target-able and weak at the time. Because I didn't know what else to do, I withdrew. And I'm angry with myself now because of it. I'm so stupidly timid to truly let those near in because I feel they could break me the easiest. But why is it I keep thinking and claiming others can break me, when the only person who should have that kind of power over me is MYSELF?
The openness and rawness in posting this itself is going to literally make me nauseas. To expose myself completely in such a regard is putting myself in one of the most uncomfortable, unwanted spots yet. But it's exactly what I HAVE to do right now.
All I know right now is this. If I continually keep doing this.. Pulling away when I see something "threatened" and not being strong enough to throw myself to the line, the only person who is going to keep continually driving those away and making myself alone is me. This is no one's fault but my own. I cannot keep living in fear because of what the past has brought. People are a hellofalot better than I can give them credit for. And this has to stop. Now.