her declaration.
I haven't meant to neglect posting here during the past two weeks and I'm genuinely sorry that I have. It's been harder than normal lately for me to express what's going on in my head... I feel rather "writer'sblocked" to death. This is a quite a big period of change for me right now... and it's throwing me a bit off. I'm always so used to what's coming and being able to speculate, question and wonder... And what I've thrust myself into these days is anything -but- ordinary to me. It's new, different, it catches me off guard and puts a content smile on my face the worst thunderstorm couldn’t shake. I worry if I speculate all these wonderful new things to death right now I won't happily let myself enjoy all these different feelings, moments and newly preoccupied, busy days like I truly should.
I haven't felt more like an adult, alive and awake then I did this past week in a very, very long time. It was refreshing, welcomed and such a lovely change.
The other day I was sorting through a lot of the documents here on my computer. The folder I shove it all into seems to of become rather cluttered over the years. As I went through it all, I came across something that I think would do a better job at explaining how I feel right now then anything I could muster forth at this time. Over the years I've written a fair share of posts to Lj that were so true to what I felt, real and raw that I would save and store them somewhere safe. I came across one I wrote awhile ago that is eerily, eerily accurate to what I've been struggling with the past few weeks. I felt a strange sense of deja-vu and enlightenment upon rediscovering it once again. This piece was written when Ron and I were on our break (which now seems like forever ago) and I'd like to share it here to spread a bit of explanation to the situation at hand. It was written as a self creed to myself.. and It's got me here somewhat astounded at how much I fell behind on the promises that I made within it to my happiness. It’s the struggle of my present at hand.
(note: One or two things have been edited out for they no longer apply whatsoever - it makes more sense.)
My Self Creed
I am capable of breathing, smiling and surviving on my own. I am my own crutch.
The one person I need to depend on and believe in when it comes to this world is myself.
When I seek help, stop the self talk and enjoy things for their worth, big or small, I finally am able to stop the worry, enjoy the moment and start the love.
Limiting myself on fears of what the world thinks about me and allowing such assumptions control over who I am will get me absolutely nowhere.
What has to come first is the love for who I am, what I’ve been and who I will be. And after that? Anything is possible.
I have the power to control my own living, working, school and personal situations. I am not weak.
As my self confidence continues to build, I will not settle on unfair treatment, second bests and chips at the grounding of personal reliance I’ve started to create for myself. I will say something. Do something. Be someone.
Things that happen in my past, the mistakes and the failures, will never again have enough control over me to hold me back from being so much better in the future.
Don’t take the happiness life can give for granted. Don’t dismiss the smiling out of fear of mere what ifs. Relish in the wonderfulness that life can bring. Let living happen without fear of failure.
As things feel even newer, overwhelming and a little awkward during this period of my life, I will know better than to expect perfection overnight. as much time as it's going to take me to get used to this, it'll take just as much for those around me to also adapt to the changes.
I am a work in progress. I am trying harder than I ever have in a long, long time. I am capable of becoming and being so much more as I break free of this cocoon, go after my goals and realize the kind of potential I can have in this world.
Lastly, as I continually work on finding my footing in this world, what's most important will always be for me to listen. Learn. Feel. Laugh. Smile. Appreciate. Celebrate.
And.. most of all.. Love.
Each and every single one of those sentences, points and words have been daily battles of mine this past month to to overcome, focus on and BELIEVE. I can't express to you how run amuck my thoughts have been with wanting to conquer those hurdles and to be who I truly know I am. This has to be an ongoing effort and I still have so much to work through. I always will - this cannot be temporary. Finding a happiness of my own, both inner and outer, it can’t just a right now deal. It needs to be forever. I’m not saying that to be eloquent or to mean business, I feel it from the very bottom of my friggin' heart. At times throughout this it’s felt as if I'm breaking my own back over fighting the demons that let me be weak enough to ever lose faith in that creed and what I KNOW I'm capable of. Allowing whatever fears I have control over facing such issues will be my quickest route to disaster yet. Yes, it can be aggravating, disheartening and not what I always want to deal with, but right now I HAVE to. I'm so much better than what I've given myself credit for. This past year, while it taught me so much, was a fluke in so many others. I’m sick of never living up to be the type of person I know I am. It’s about god damn time I had a little faith and let myself be that woman. And you know what she is right now? Regardless of how much she still loves her ex, questions her sanity at times, slacks when she doesn't mean to, feels guilty when she shouldn't and still gets impossibly confused from time to time - she's happy. And at this moment that's the only thing that matters.
I haven't felt more like an adult, alive and awake then I did this past week in a very, very long time. It was refreshing, welcomed and such a lovely change.
The other day I was sorting through a lot of the documents here on my computer. The folder I shove it all into seems to of become rather cluttered over the years. As I went through it all, I came across something that I think would do a better job at explaining how I feel right now then anything I could muster forth at this time. Over the years I've written a fair share of posts to Lj that were so true to what I felt, real and raw that I would save and store them somewhere safe. I came across one I wrote awhile ago that is eerily, eerily accurate to what I've been struggling with the past few weeks. I felt a strange sense of deja-vu and enlightenment upon rediscovering it once again. This piece was written when Ron and I were on our break (which now seems like forever ago) and I'd like to share it here to spread a bit of explanation to the situation at hand. It was written as a self creed to myself.. and It's got me here somewhat astounded at how much I fell behind on the promises that I made within it to my happiness. It’s the struggle of my present at hand.
(note: One or two things have been edited out for they no longer apply whatsoever - it makes more sense.)
My Self Creed
I am capable of breathing, smiling and surviving on my own. I am my own crutch.
The one person I need to depend on and believe in when it comes to this world is myself.
When I seek help, stop the self talk and enjoy things for their worth, big or small, I finally am able to stop the worry, enjoy the moment and start the love.
Limiting myself on fears of what the world thinks about me and allowing such assumptions control over who I am will get me absolutely nowhere.
What has to come first is the love for who I am, what I’ve been and who I will be. And after that? Anything is possible.
I have the power to control my own living, working, school and personal situations. I am not weak.
As my self confidence continues to build, I will not settle on unfair treatment, second bests and chips at the grounding of personal reliance I’ve started to create for myself. I will say something. Do something. Be someone.
Things that happen in my past, the mistakes and the failures, will never again have enough control over me to hold me back from being so much better in the future.
Don’t take the happiness life can give for granted. Don’t dismiss the smiling out of fear of mere what ifs. Relish in the wonderfulness that life can bring. Let living happen without fear of failure.
As things feel even newer, overwhelming and a little awkward during this period of my life, I will know better than to expect perfection overnight. as much time as it's going to take me to get used to this, it'll take just as much for those around me to also adapt to the changes.
I am a work in progress. I am trying harder than I ever have in a long, long time. I am capable of becoming and being so much more as I break free of this cocoon, go after my goals and realize the kind of potential I can have in this world.
Lastly, as I continually work on finding my footing in this world, what's most important will always be for me to listen. Learn. Feel. Laugh. Smile. Appreciate. Celebrate.
And.. most of all.. Love.
Each and every single one of those sentences, points and words have been daily battles of mine this past month to to overcome, focus on and BELIEVE. I can't express to you how run amuck my thoughts have been with wanting to conquer those hurdles and to be who I truly know I am. This has to be an ongoing effort and I still have so much to work through. I always will - this cannot be temporary. Finding a happiness of my own, both inner and outer, it can’t just a right now deal. It needs to be forever. I’m not saying that to be eloquent or to mean business, I feel it from the very bottom of my friggin' heart. At times throughout this it’s felt as if I'm breaking my own back over fighting the demons that let me be weak enough to ever lose faith in that creed and what I KNOW I'm capable of. Allowing whatever fears I have control over facing such issues will be my quickest route to disaster yet. Yes, it can be aggravating, disheartening and not what I always want to deal with, but right now I HAVE to. I'm so much better than what I've given myself credit for. This past year, while it taught me so much, was a fluke in so many others. I’m sick of never living up to be the type of person I know I am. It’s about god damn time I had a little faith and let myself be that woman. And you know what she is right now? Regardless of how much she still loves her ex, questions her sanity at times, slacks when she doesn't mean to, feels guilty when she shouldn't and still gets impossibly confused from time to time - she's happy. And at this moment that's the only thing that matters.