nothin in particular
i just wanna be alone tonight. i keep sending blewz out for things. cuz i feel vulnerable and it makes me extremely hostile. i'm trying to get lost in my characters to distract me but it's sooooo not working. mom goes in for surgery on the 28th, we leave on vacation on the 29th...gramma's still trying to convince me that i NEED to stay in fl for some unknown length of time which i am SO not gonna do, so both she and my dad are prolly gonna be pissed at me cuz they feel i have some kind of responsibility here. so yeah. i'm a 'lil..anticipatory about that because they haven't even met blewz yet and this was supposed to be a whole big 'welcome to the family' thing which is so not gonna happen. and i wanted 'im to have a good time, and he's not gonna have a good time if i don't have a good time and i swear to TRENT if they lay into me i'm just gonna fucking leave and we can spend the week street racing. aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. talked to dessy and ciddik and i feel a 'lil less stressy..and the fact that blewz at least KNOWS that i've emailed 'im all this shit even tho he hasn't checked his email in like a month cuz he doesn't think anything important comes thru, which is JUST FINE ... *takes a breath* so. anyway. yeah. i just wanna be alone. and it's not fair to blewz that i feel like that...but i do. it's not his fault that i feel stifled and unable to breathe...it's just an occurance.
i find that i miss a great deal of things. i miss writing. i miss programming. i miss LEARNING. i miss reading. i miss drawing. i miss playing. i miss keeping up with other peoples' lives. i miss thinking about things. and y'know....i was happy in my job for a while. and i've figured out that's because i was learning something new. and i've figured out i'm dissatisfied again because it's all the same fucking thing. i know everything. i mean..i don't know reactions and i don't know all the brand names and generics for them, but that isn't something i need or want to know. so i'm feelin like i need to move on to something else. soon. very. very. soon. before i lost my fucking mind and snap. so close. i can see it. every second there's another alternative...a possibility. a part of me drifts off and says FUCK YOU and joins the rest until there's less and less of me still playing by the rules. i hate the rules. fuck. kay. yeah. i'm gonna go. *pants softly* if i knew what blewz wuld do without me...if i culd absolve myself of the guilt of leaving him alone...i so wuldn't be alive rite now.
i find that i miss a great deal of things. i miss writing. i miss programming. i miss LEARNING. i miss reading. i miss drawing. i miss playing. i miss keeping up with other peoples' lives. i miss thinking about things. and y'know....i was happy in my job for a while. and i've figured out that's because i was learning something new. and i've figured out i'm dissatisfied again because it's all the same fucking thing. i know everything. i mean..i don't know reactions and i don't know all the brand names and generics for them, but that isn't something i need or want to know. so i'm feelin like i need to move on to something else. soon. very. very. soon. before i lost my fucking mind and snap. so close. i can see it. every second there's another alternative...a possibility. a part of me drifts off and says FUCK YOU and joins the rest until there's less and less of me still playing by the rules. i hate the rules. fuck. kay. yeah. i'm gonna go. *pants softly* if i knew what blewz wuld do without me...if i culd absolve myself of the guilt of leaving him alone...i so wuldn't be alive rite now.