weightless
It's exhausting to be so self-absorbed, as I have been for my entire life. I've been my center, my only motivating factor, my only major concern. But now I'm relieved of this relentless self-obsession. Now I have a beautiful baby to occupy my every thought, emotion, action. It's nice.
Yesterday and today he had bouts of screaming and crying. He could not be soothed by the boob, which is unheard of. Finally, in both cases, I gave him a bottle of expressed milk and he calmed down. My worry is that I'm not producing enough milk and that is why he was upset. He'd tried to nurse but gotten too little and freaked. I understand completely; he shares my emotional response to not-enough-food.
If I give him bottles, though, aren't I teaching my body that the amount it made today is enough, when really it wasn't? My body should know better. My body is not so bright.
I love this time of year. I love the friends coming to town and the excuses to eat sweets and the carols and the lights (oh god I love the lights) and having a little boy with whom to enjoy these delights. I wish Ali were around more to enjoy it all with us.
I keep a private journal now. I'm writing down everything so I can remember. It's impossible, though, to remember it all. I've forgotten so much already.
I won't forget this: His new voice that is light and wispy and sweeter than anything I've ever heard. His absolute fascination with the fish tank at Whole Foods today. How he looked at me for comfort when he was upset today, forehead wrinkled up, lips pouting, looking at me to make it all better.
Yesterday and today he had bouts of screaming and crying. He could not be soothed by the boob, which is unheard of. Finally, in both cases, I gave him a bottle of expressed milk and he calmed down. My worry is that I'm not producing enough milk and that is why he was upset. He'd tried to nurse but gotten too little and freaked. I understand completely; he shares my emotional response to not-enough-food.
If I give him bottles, though, aren't I teaching my body that the amount it made today is enough, when really it wasn't? My body should know better. My body is not so bright.
I love this time of year. I love the friends coming to town and the excuses to eat sweets and the carols and the lights (oh god I love the lights) and having a little boy with whom to enjoy these delights. I wish Ali were around more to enjoy it all with us.
I keep a private journal now. I'm writing down everything so I can remember. It's impossible, though, to remember it all. I've forgotten so much already.
I won't forget this: His new voice that is light and wispy and sweeter than anything I've ever heard. His absolute fascination with the fish tank at Whole Foods today. How he looked at me for comfort when he was upset today, forehead wrinkled up, lips pouting, looking at me to make it all better.