I am walls outside, bombs inside
I am so little compared to such a big thing as this. The love radiating from everywhere, exploding from everywhere, hitting me and hitting us, is not scary. I stand humbled in the presence of so many friends and such support and I wonder how I can possibly be a deserving recipient of such kindness. The baby, I feel, does deserve it but even for him I am amazed. Until today I thought I was the only one who cared, truly cared, for this baby in my belly. Am I so stupid?
Every time the door was opened today at the baby shower I was absolutely thrilled to see the person waiting on the other side. One after the other, people whose mere presence delighted me. I am awkward in the presence of others but it doesn't mean I don't love these others. Every one of them, on the other side of the door. I was giddy from it all, getting to see all these special people who, somehow, I rarely get to see in normal life. It was a special day.
Now I am home and my swollen feet are elevated and my swollen belly is jostled. I am so tired but Ali says, "just a few more minutes here, awake, before bed?" and I humor him because there is love there, too.
Next to this fullness of love is also fear and sadness. As my little family is just started to grow, my old family is just starting to fall apart. Some may argue it's been slipping for years. I am reminding myself that structures are falling apart, but the souls inside are not. We'll all come out alright.
Every time the door was opened today at the baby shower I was absolutely thrilled to see the person waiting on the other side. One after the other, people whose mere presence delighted me. I am awkward in the presence of others but it doesn't mean I don't love these others. Every one of them, on the other side of the door. I was giddy from it all, getting to see all these special people who, somehow, I rarely get to see in normal life. It was a special day.
Now I am home and my swollen feet are elevated and my swollen belly is jostled. I am so tired but Ali says, "just a few more minutes here, awake, before bed?" and I humor him because there is love there, too.
Next to this fullness of love is also fear and sadness. As my little family is just started to grow, my old family is just starting to fall apart. Some may argue it's been slipping for years. I am reminding myself that structures are falling apart, but the souls inside are not. We'll all come out alright.