this above all...
I've kept a journal for so long. I just checked where I was a year ago, and was astonished to see how much better and happier I am now. "Better" just meaning, I suppose, more true to myself, less forcing myself to be other than I naturally am. It's a nice thing to be able to see.
Here's the entry from
Not long ago we had a conversation. You said, will you be at my funeral? and I said yes, shut up. It will be a nice funeral, you said. Please, dad, I said, please don't talk about this. And you laughed because you didn't realize I was taking you seriously. I've lived a long time, you said, I've lived several good lives. Yeah, I said, and you somehow managed to get through them to here. When are you going to start living your life? you asked me. I wasn't offended, but I got quiet because I didn't know the answer. You could have kids, you told me, and I said shh because I didn't want to think about that part of my life yet. I heard mom in the background, yelling at the dogs to stop with the squeaky toy, but they didn't and I couldn't hear you anymore over the noise. Do you remember?
And here's an entry from
Dear Diary,
I’ve heard that being thirteen is the worst. How come no one warned me how bad? This has been the worst year of my life. I’m not just saying that either. Today we found out two bad things. One: Pawpaw has cancer in his lung. He is going to have kemo therapy and an operation. I think that he is very brave. I know I couldn’t do that. And the second thing that happened today was: My grandpa Harold had a major stroke in the left side of his brain. He is in Emory Hospital in Atlanta on complete life support. Why does this keep happening to us!?!? And to Everyone around us?!?! Dad says that only a miracle can save him. I am praying with all my heart for a miracle right now. We sure need one. Harold cannot talk and will never again be able to. He can’t control his going to the bathroom. He doesn’t understand English. He can respond to familiar voices, but that’s about it. I feel like I’m in a board game called “ No fooling around, REAL life.” I have had bad luck so far. I’ve landed on “ Mother gets hurt, go ahead to the hospital,” “ Neighbor dies, go to the cemetery,” “ Sister hits homeless guy, lose one turn,” “ Grandfather has stroke, lose part of your heart,” “ Other grandfather has cancer, lose more of your heart,” and more. I wonder what you have to pay not to play this awful, merciless game. I would guess a lot. I envy those who can afford it.
About my birthday, it was o.k. I’m having a party tomorrow. I don't want one at all, but everyone says Mom wil be upset if I don't have one. Today Dad, Megan, Gaby and I went to Benningins for supper and after that, Meg, Dad, and I went to the hospital. I showed Mom all my presents and opened a few new ones. Mom will probably come home around Tuesday! Isn’t that great?!?! I can’t wait. The knowledge of that was also a wonderful present. I have to go to bed now, but more later.
Here's the entry from
Not long ago we had a conversation. You said, will you be at my funeral? and I said yes, shut up. It will be a nice funeral, you said. Please, dad, I said, please don't talk about this. And you laughed because you didn't realize I was taking you seriously. I've lived a long time, you said, I've lived several good lives. Yeah, I said, and you somehow managed to get through them to here. When are you going to start living your life? you asked me. I wasn't offended, but I got quiet because I didn't know the answer. You could have kids, you told me, and I said shh because I didn't want to think about that part of my life yet. I heard mom in the background, yelling at the dogs to stop with the squeaky toy, but they didn't and I couldn't hear you anymore over the noise. Do you remember?
And here's an entry from
Dear Diary,
I’ve heard that being thirteen is the worst. How come no one warned me how bad? This has been the worst year of my life. I’m not just saying that either. Today we found out two bad things. One: Pawpaw has cancer in his lung. He is going to have kemo therapy and an operation. I think that he is very brave. I know I couldn’t do that. And the second thing that happened today was: My grandpa Harold had a major stroke in the left side of his brain. He is in Emory Hospital in Atlanta on complete life support. Why does this keep happening to us!?!? And to Everyone around us?!?! Dad says that only a miracle can save him. I am praying with all my heart for a miracle right now. We sure need one. Harold cannot talk and will never again be able to. He can’t control his going to the bathroom. He doesn’t understand English. He can respond to familiar voices, but that’s about it. I feel like I’m in a board game called “ No fooling around, REAL life.” I have had bad luck so far. I’ve landed on “ Mother gets hurt, go ahead to the hospital,” “ Neighbor dies, go to the cemetery,” “ Sister hits homeless guy, lose one turn,” “ Grandfather has stroke, lose part of your heart,” “ Other grandfather has cancer, lose more of your heart,” and more. I wonder what you have to pay not to play this awful, merciless game. I would guess a lot. I envy those who can afford it.
About my birthday, it was o.k. I’m having a party tomorrow. I don't want one at all, but everyone says Mom wil be upset if I don't have one. Today Dad, Megan, Gaby and I went to Benningins for supper and after that, Meg, Dad, and I went to the hospital. I showed Mom all my presents and opened a few new ones. Mom will probably come home around Tuesday! Isn’t that great?!?! I can’t wait. The knowledge of that was also a wonderful present. I have to go to bed now, but more later.