Fic HP - From Me to You 5/5 Part 1
Title: From me to you
Author: Shayla
Series: Harry Potter
Warning: Slash, PG-13 (I think…), CD
Pairing: Definitely SS+HP, also RL+SB and HG+RW
Disclaimer: I’m a poor student who doesn’t own anything that belongs to JKR. I can only claim the plot as mine.
Summary: (Angst) Harry has vanished from Hogwarts and his closest friends are looking from him. After years following the trail he left them, they uncover some of their friend’s hidden secrets. They uncover those aspects of him he refused to let them see and the thing he fought the hardest to keep at his side. But will they find him in time?
Chapter 5: Harry’s POV
It is a cold winter morning outside. The snow has covered the landscape around our house and I can still see it falling as I gaze outside through the window of kitchen. I smile sadly. Winter and snow always makes me feels nostalgic. It reminds me of many wonderful moments I shared with Severus. Then again, almost everything can remind me of him. Everything, especially this house and our family, all I hold dear.
The house is usually noisy at this early hour. My daughter Mel has her own bookstore in town and she’s terribly busy now that Christmas time is coming closer. James, my grandson, already left a few moments earlier since there were a few things he needed to pick up at Humstall, the school he teaches at. So I am left behind to keep an eye on Lily since she’s pregnant and anytime due to give birth, and her first son… Severus… Named after the man who was so much more than just my husband, my friend and lover… He was a part of me.
I hold many memories of my life precious, but the ones I hold close to my heart are those that my soul aches for to have back: the moments with my husband. Severus’ and my life was special, we fought and had our differences, but I also knew I could count on him for whatever I needed. He was my strength and the reason I kept on living even when I had been totally broken. He came to me and picked up the shards that were left behind by Voldemort and so many others. He gathered those pieces carefully puzzling them back in order with all the love he had and I did the same for him.
The story of our life is long and it certainly wasn’t easy, we had many obstacles to overcome. Voldemort had cursed us both when he found out about us. We had been so careful to keep it secret, I didn’t dare confine in anyone, not even in my own family. And yet, somehow he found out and in the final battled he send all his hate and anger towards us. We never knew for sure what the old bastard had done, but we came soon to learn that if we would tell others who cared about us, that we were happily together, the curse would kill those we cherished before our eyes.
But what pained us most was that the curse continued on in our daughter, giving her part of our memories. She became a child trapped in thoughts that were not her own and we had to watch as it tore her consciousness scaring her away. It took much strength and patience from the both of us to assure her that she was safe, that there would come no one to harm her. That we indeed loved her with all out hearts.
My great-grandson comes down the stairs looking sleepily and sits down at the table mumbling a good morning. I smile at him and hand him his cereals. I watch him yawn as he reaches out for the milk to pour into the bowl. The boy is so much like Severus, and yet so different. By appearance they might as well have been twins and no one would have seen the difference, but my grandson lacks the inner aura of superiority and strength his great-grandfather radiated.
I settle in my chair across the table and my thoughts drift away to the past.
During the course of fifth year I learned to respect Severus and eventually fall in love with him. He still treated me in public like the worst thing that had ever dared to cross his path, but I was aware that this was more due Voldemort’s rising than because he wanted to.
That year, the Dark Lord had made his first official appearance and the Ministry found themselves forced, by the strength he had gathered, to let Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix take over the coordination of their Defenses. I was sick of running and hiding from Voldemort. I was tired to be played out like a puppet, not only by the people who wanted me dead but also those who tried to protect me. I had lost my will to continue after the Tri-Wizard’s Tournament and I didn’t want anyone to come close to me. I feared they might hurt me and that being my friends might cause them to lose their lives as Cedric had. No one could make me come out of those walls I started to build around me and I though that I had finally reached my peace when Severus grabbed me one night in my wanderings through the halls. He dragged me, while I kicked and screamed, into an empty room throwing me against a wall in fury.
I was completely startled by his sudden display of anger. His normally cold eyes were burning with a blazing fire that made me feel something I had believed lost to me. Fear.
He had me pinned with his hands on my shoulders against the castle's stonewall, his face barely away from mine and I remember clearly that I was truly scared of him. I thought that he was finally going to get rid of me as others had so often accused him to. I couldn’t move, neither could I speak, the only thing that I can actually remember was that I starred at those coal black eyes that seemed to be flaring with blazing emotions I had never seen in them before.
“You stupid little brat!” he hissed at me. His voice causing shills all over me, I wanted to hide somewhere from him. Somewhere he would never find me. “You think this is all a game?! Everybody risking their lives for you so that you can simply shrug their hard work away and play your insufferable almighty self?!” If anything he came closer and I tried without success to flee his grip; his hands had me trapped painfully.
“Professor you’re hurting me.” I whined scared, my heart beating wildly in my chest.
He didn’t seem to have heard me, his eyes glared still at me. For a while neither of us moved, but finally he let go of me and I slid stumbling into tears to the ground, unable to control myself any longer.
“Have you any idea what we all risk for you?” his voice was no longer harsh; it was sad. “Don’t you even consider what others feel?” I barely heard this sentence, but it stopped my sobbing sounds and I glanced up to him, his face hidden in the shadows of his long hair, the only movement I saw was the trembling of his clenched fist. Whipping the tears of my face I didn’t know what to say. We remained looking at one another for a while before he turned away from me heading to the door.
“I’m scared.” I called after him. I don’t know why I said those words only that they were the truth residing within me, a truth that could not be replaced by any other words.
And he turned back to me opening the door. “Aren’t we all?” he asked softly and left me alone.
After that night I began to wonder about his words, they wouldn’t leave me, plaguing my every waking hour and at night, the darkness would creep into my dreams. I started to become nervous and I tended to become easily annoyed and angry. The lack of sleep was affecting my actions and I even ended up collapsing in class. Madam Pomfrey was forced to give me one of her strongest Dreamless Potions and I recall vaguely being drugged for various days into unconsciousness. Yet, that didn’t help. At night the dreams would return, not as intense, but still strong enough to cause me to wake up screaming in my bed. There was always someone sitting by the bed at night. During the day I was sure that it was always Sirius but at night, I couldn’t tell. The scent of grass and nature that I recognized as that of my godfather was not the same to the one who held me in his arms rocking me back and forth when I awoke disorientated and afraid of the nightmares. The smell was different; it was a mixture of various herbs. Back then I was simply too much drugged by the draught Madam Pomfrey had sedated me with to realize who it was that came every night to watch over me when I was alone.
And then I realized that I was never truly alone. That whenever I thought that there was no one Severus was always around somewhere watching me and letting me know that I could count on him. And so when I was released I started to use him as my pillar. We started just talking at first and before I knew it I had completely fallen in love with him. During those days I still kept close to myself not daring to open up too much, but I had no secrets anymore from Sev, only the one of my feelings for him.
I smile as my great-grandson finished his breakfast.
“Ne, grandpa, are we going to buy mama’s present today?” he asks, his black eye looking curiously at me. The childish innocence that I’m still after all this years not used to see in them. I always expect my husband’s eyes…
“Of course.” I say reaching out for his plate to clean. “Just get dressed and I’ll tell your mom we will be back in no time. If you’re back in less than five minutes I even buy you one of the new flying brooms we saw for Christmas.”
He grins and jumps to his feet. “I’ll be right back!” he says while running back upstairs.
“You do spoil him grandpa.” Lily comes through the door of the hallway smiling sheepishly at me. “I though we had agreed not to do that?”
I shrug. “That’s what parents are for. That is your job.” I say as she comes and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Grandparents are there to spoil children.” I grin. “I don’t remember you complaining when your grandfather spoiled you and your brother rotten.”
She waves dismissively at me. “That is something else.”
“Is it?” I raise an eyebrow amused.
She rolls her eyes smiling. “Don’t buy anything too expensive!” she tells me pointing with her finger at me. “You hear me.”
I raise my hands in defense. “When would I ever do that?”
She narrows her eyes. “When you came back home last week with a new tool kit for both your broom collections you have downstairs. “
“That was last week?” I give her my most innocent face, the one that always irritated her grandfather, and I know her too because she just sighs passing a hand over her belly.
We hear the sound of small footsteps coming down the stairs and Sev appears wearing a long cloak around him and a dark green cap to protect his ears from the cold winds outside. I feel a pain in my chest, remembering when I had last seen my husband dressed very similar. It must have shown in my face, because Lily comes and rest a hands on my shoulder with concerned eyes, but I shake my head and walk over to the little man picking him up and sitting him on my shoulders gaining a joyful squeak of him.
And so we leave the house and I apparate us both to the outside of our small town since our house stands on a hill farther outside surrounded by trees to protect it from unwanted sight.
Small hands lay in mine as Sev starts to talk to me about his upcoming entrance to school; he’s very exited about it. I listen vaguely to his words as I watch the snow fall upon us.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about Severus and the past. Almost as if to recall my most precious memories again to remind me that I did find happiness in life.
I make our way through the main street greeting the people who know me. Actually everyone knows my family and me. Severus told me once that it was necessary to trust this people enough that when the time would come they would protect us from unwanted visitors. And so we helped everywhere we could. They figured out we were not normal and shortly after they even knew we were wizards. But they respected our wish to not go spread it around in public.
Sev tells me to stop at the toy store and I let him down following him inside. The store is not very big, but most children come here because they are allowed to play with the things in the store. So this place is usually very crowded. A woman greets me, I think she’s a friend of James, but I can’t tell for sure.
We start talking while I remain watching Sev play with the other children. She tells me about her upcoming marriage and invites us to come over. I smile congratulating her and then I remember who she is. She’s one of James older girlfriends, no wonder she seemed familiar.
I retreat behind the counter and enter the back of the store where I’m always greeted with a hot coffee and some biscuits. It’s amusing that I’m always greeted with a warm welcome wherever I enter in this town. Maybe that is the reason I stayed here even after there was nothing else keeping me after Severus death.
The storeowner tells me to wait here if I find it too loud in the store and I nod thankfully watching him return to the counter.
I turn to look again out of the window; it seems to me that the snowfall has gotten stronger. My thoughts drift away again and I find myself recalling another fond moment of my life.
I recall our first kiss. It was at Hogwarts, it had been after he had returned from a long trip to do Voldemort’s will. I was outside sitting by the lake where I knew he would eventually find me if he needed to talk about what had happened. I never pushed my presence upon him when he returned, knowing that it might do more harm than good, since he was usually not in a very pleased mood. And so I had taken the tendency to meet him here if he needed my support. Even though, I have to admit, it was painful not to run to him and let him feel how relieved I was for his save return.
It was already dark outside and the sky was dark as well, no single star could be seen, for that it was too cloudy. I sat there on my father’s cloak hoping that he would find his way to me out here as he had so often in the past. I needed him more than I probably should, and yet, I still had not told him such.
I put my arms around my legs glancing over the calm surface knowing the dangers lying underneath it. I feel something wet land on my hand and I look up to the night sky. Soon the rain would come pouring out, but I would still remain here, waiting.
The amount of drops increased and my hair was already hanging wet down my face. I stood up and picked up my father’s clack into my hands and walked over to one of the trees searching for some cover against the rain. And I still waited. An hour or so the rain continued, I felt my body trembling from the cold and I was very tempted to use the cloak to cover me, but then, Severus might not see me when he would come. I sighed and closed my eyes trying to control the cold that I felt by concentrating on warm things like the sun, the beach and a hot tub.
Suddenly I felt myself pulled forward and I’m pressed against a strong chest. I look startled up and meet his barely visible dark eyes.
“Insolent child.” He said as he whips with his hands some of the water of my face. “You’re going to catch your death out here.”
I can’t help but smile and I stand up on tiptoe and greet him with a kiss on the cheek, which he returned. We have taken to this unusual habit, after I had picked it up during some holidays in Spain. He pulls his cloak over me and I snuggle up to the warmth.
I never asked about his mission, I respected his doings as long as he came back to me. I had become depended on his presence and whenever he left I felt that he took a part of me with him. I don’t know if he felt the same, but I didn’t need to either. I just need him…
We truly were strange, although we might as well have returned to the castle we remained there standing in the rain like some fools, but I cherished the moment anyway.
Finally he spoke. “We should return…” and I nodded.
We walked next to one another back and we stopped at the door to say goodbye. My glasses were fogged by the weather and I was already dripping wet. I took them off and cleaned them before putting them back on, but to not much help. I sigh and leaned forward to kiss him goodbye. And to my surprise I met his lips. I flinched back, startled and blushed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see you. “ I stammered not lying. I blinked as I realized he said the same.
I whipped my glasses with my fingers clean again and I could see through a blurry vision that his face was flushed as well. He opened the door as he saw me looking at him and said his goodnight retreating into the castle.
I don’t know whether I grinned out of happiness or because I didn’t know better, all I can recall is that I felt like walking back to the tree and let it happen again.
ON TO PART 2