Tell
Title: Tell
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: pg-13
Genre: angst
Summary: He wished he hadn't done it. If he hadn't said anything, at least they'd have been able to continue on as they had been, side-by-side, and Lu Han would still smile for him.
a/n: Written for galaexo's first competition, prompt 4. I swear the next HunHan I write will be fluffy. ㅠㅠ
It was snowing, and Sehun was full of hope.
It was hard not to be, with Lu Han sitting beside him, mittened hands clasped as they sipped on their respective bubble teas and let snowflakes catch in their eyelashes. It had been a while, since they'd last managed to get away like this. Bubble tea was their tradition, their comfort ritual that had begun late one night when they were just trainees and Lu Han had come back to the room to find him miserable over a horrible day with the vocal coach. It wasn't his fault, the lisp that distorted his speech and made the instructor shriek and scold until he felt like he wanted to give it up, to give it all up -- and Lu Han had listened to him so patiently, as he'd ranted until his aching throat wouldn't let him anymore, and he'd squeezed his shoulder so gently and understanding. "Let's sneak out," he'd said then, mischief in that angel face, and that had set it all in motion. He craved bubble tea, now, whenever the stress got to be too much, just like he craved water and oxygen and Lu Han.
But that was one secret he wasn't going to tell. Not to Lu Han, not tonight. With everything else, he was an open book, to Lu Han -- but not with this. Not yet. He would wait for a better time, when they'd have more than a few days together, packed to the brim with schedules. Things would calm down soon. EXO-M would leave for two weeks, and then they would be back to stay, for a while. A final round of promotions, and then work on their full length album. And then...then, maybe.
Lu Han caught a snowflake on his tongue and tugged on his hand to make sure he saw, and Sehun felt hope and possibility tingle in his chest.
...
"So, when are you going to confess?" Baekhyun asked, smiling cheekily at him in the mirror as he washed the bb cream off of his face. They'd been doing a lot of modeling lately, since EXO-M had gone back to China and promotions in Korea were much slower, less eager for fresh young faces as new idols were turned out every other week.
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb." Baekhyun swatted him with his towel. "To Lu Han hyung."
"I don't like Lu Han hyung," he sighed, the protest weak and tired from overuse. "Not like that." The look on Baekhyun's face read as obvious skepticism, but Sehun just patted his face dry and reached for his toothbrush.
"Uh-huh, if you say so." Baekhyun rolled his eyes. "Just hurry it up, will you? Certain people have money riding on this."
And Sehun didn't know how it was that everyone seemed to know, without him even saying anything -- everyone except Lu Han. Bets had already been made and money lost, he knew, when a sudden interrogation had made him admit that he and Lu Han weren't dating already, and he thought Baekhyun still hadn't quite forgiven him for that. The good-natured teasing always checked itself, though, whenever Lu Han was around, and for that, Sehun was grateful.
He would do it soon, on his own terms.
Lu Han would be back from China soon.
...
"I love you."
Lu Han blinked, releasing the straw of his bubble tea slowly, and then he smiled as he tipped his head. "I love you, too, Sehun-ah."
But it was off, the lilt of his accented Korean was too easy, too meaningless, and Sehun's mouth went dry. His heartbeat was pounding in his ears, in his veins, but he found the strength to shake his head. He wet his lips nervously with his tongue and tried again. "No, hyung. Not like that."
"...Oh."
And he saw it translate in Lu Han's head, the way his eyes widened and his mouth fell partway open, hand slipping out of Sehun's own. "Oh."
"Yeah." Sehun's face felt hot, and his heart sank like a weight to the pit of his stomach. His tea was tasteless on his tongue, and he tossed it, half-finished, into the garbage bin as the wind picked up and chilled him to his bones.
...
His phone went off, somewhere between two and sunrise, and he heard it because he was awake. He flipped it open, squinting against the light of the screen.
對不起
He knew that phrase, and it made him feel so sick and empty that he wanted to throw up.
對不起
I'm sorry.
...
He hadn't told anyone, but again, everyone seemed to know. They avoided him, at first, Suho essentially vanishing from their shared room and conversations dying on people's lips whenever he entered a room. He hadn't slept, and his whole body felt thick and heavy, his vision blurred and out of focus. He wanted to stay in bed until he figured out how he could possibly feel all right again, when everything he had been building toward had cracked and crumbled in his hands, but they had a schedule today, and sick days were out of the question unless it was to the point of hospitalization.
"I'm sorry," Baekhyun said from the doorway, and Sehun thought that he had never heard a phrase more revolting. "I wouldn't have teased you so much if...I really thought he liked you."
"Yeah." Sehun finished washing his hands and left the towel crumpled on the counter. "Me, too."
...
The interview was a blur. Suho elbowed him every time he was asked a question, and that was the only way Sehun knew to speak. His answers were brief and boring, his head throbbing with the knowledge that Lu Han was only a couple of seats away, and that twenty-four hours ago, that would have meant something entirely different to him.
Their manager pulled him aside afterward and scolded him for being so quiet, told him to make up for it in their stage performance, and Sehun nodded vaguely as one of the stylists smoothed another layer of concealer over the bags under his eyes. His mouth was too dry to speak and he was getting dizzy, and all he wanted was to go home. He didn't know how to be, like this, with Lu Han so close and yet so distant from him.
He wished he hadn't done it. If he hadn't said anything, at least they'd have been able to continue on as they had been, side-by-side, and Lu Han would still smile for him. It was too strange, to suddenly not be able to call Lu Han's name, to not be able to reach for that familiar hand or sling an arm around his shoulders.
His eyes tracked Lu Han out of habit, and their gazes locked for a moment and held before Lu Han turned his face away.
That hurt him, maybe more than the silence.
The lights were changing, and Kai pulled him into place on stage. The music started before he'd found his footing. He felt off and awkward, and he knocked into Baekhyun during one of their formation changes. Baekhyun laughed and played it off well, but Sehun was starting to feel sick and he forgot to mouth his lines during his part of the song.
Then the chorus shifted, and it was EXO-M's version, and he wasn't ready -- not to be pushed to the back, to see Lu Han bright and sparkling before his eyes as if nothing had changed, nothing was broken, and especially not for Lu Han's voice when it was his turn to sing. That voice, so clear and beautiful, that might never say his name again.
He hadn't realized he'd stopped dancing until Kai collided with him and almost sent him to the floor. The manager called for the music to stop so that they could re-film, and it registered dimly that this was his fault, that he was inconveniencing everyone with his inability to pretend to be okay for even just a little while, and he felt nauseous. "Are you okay?" Suho asked, suddenly at his elbow and peering up into his face. He knew -- everyone knew, at least all of EXO-K, and Sehun swallowed the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him.
"Yeah," he made himself say, because he knew he couldn't do this. He wasn't allowed, even though his head felt as if it were going to split in two. Suho looked uncertain, but he patted his back and said "okay", and he went to tell the manager that they could try again.
Sehun took a deep breath and forced his feelings into a box, and this time he made no mistakes.
...
Sehun had collapsed in bed the moment they'd gotten back to the dorms, feeling nauseous and so empty it ached, a horrible gaping hole from his chest to the pit of his stomach. D.O tried to talk to him for a while, stroked his back and tried to convince him to eat something or at least wash the makeup off of his face, but Sehun just shook his head. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to be touched. He just wanted to disappear.
...
His phone went off, after everyone else had left for a big group dinner and he'd pretended to be asleep, and it was morbid curiosity that had him opening the message.
Bubble tea?
He didn't know if the feeling that settled in his chest then was rage or despair or hope, but it made his hands tremble as he hit the reply button. He hated himself, but he made himself send back
No.
...
Everyone knew, then.
It would've been hard not to, when Sehun and Lu Han who had once been glued together whenever they were in the same country were now suddenly on opposite ends of the room, never speaking and only making eye contact by accident. Seats were rearranged at dinner, Baekhyun to Sehun's left and Chanyeol to his right, and he was grateful, even though they were annoying and usually ended up poking each other behind his back or flinging food back and forth.
But he hated the sympathy, the knowing looks and sad smiles he'd catch sometimes, the awkward hugs from the ever empathetic Tao. He didn't want to be treated like this, it made him feel like he was going crazy, and he asked Suho to make everyone stop. "I'm okay now. I'll be fine if everyone will just leave me alone and pretend like nothing ever happened."
Suho sighed and fussed with his hands, eventually settling them clasped in his lap. "Is there any way you could work things out with Lu Han? I know it's...difficult, but it's hard for everyone to see you like this. Is there any way you could give friendship another chance?"
"No," Sehun said, and he left the room.
Not because he meant it, but because that hadn't been what he'd needed to hear. It wasn't that easy, and to hear it put in such simple terms, as if he were a child who had fought with a playmate and not a boy who had gotten his heart broken, hurt him. He knew, then, that he had lied -- he was not even close to okay, not yet. It still ached whenever he saw Lu Han, at the dorms or in practice rooms at the studio, whenever he heard him speak and it was to someone who wasn't him. They hadn't spoken at all, since the night Sehun had ruined everything.
Sehun hated how much he missed him.
...
It was a moment of weakness that had him agreeing, when Lu Han caught his arm in the hall and surprised him with words like "bubble tea" and "tonight" and "please". Sehun didn't think he'd imagined the note of desperation there, in that voice or in the depths of Lu Han's eyes, and all he'd been able to do was nod dumbly until Lu Han let him go and he could breathe again.
And then the regret hit him, the second Lu Han was out of sight, along with the panic. He wasn't ready, not for this. Not to be alone with Lu Han, to be in public, where he wouldn't be able to break down, if it came to that. It might. It really might. But Lu Han had seemed upset, too, and that wasn't what he wanted.
But then the bitter part of him, the part that was still hurt and full of broken sharp edges, insisted that Lu Han had nothing to be upset about. Lu Han hadn't been shot down or had all of his dreams yanked from beneath his feet. He hadn't started the night full almost to bursting point with hope, only to have his heart ripped out of him faster than a snowflake could melt on his tongue.
His head was still a mess as he put on his coat, later, and Baekhyun watched him with an uncharacteristically unreadable expression on his face. "Going with Lu Han hyung?" he asked, and Sehun nodded. "Okay. Good luck."
Sehun pulled on his mittens and stepped out to meet Lu Han in the snow.
...
They walked in silence, not quite touching, boots crunching the snow underfoot the only sound. It was unusual, this much snow in a single season, and Sehun hated the way it reminded him of last time, when he'd taken a chance and had gotten his heart handed back to him, unwanted. Lu Han bought the bubble tea and Sehun held his in both hands, letting the warmth seep through to his fingers as they retreated back to their usual bench, swiping the snow off so they could sit down.
And then suddenly Lu Han was too close, cold nose bumping his as Lu Han kissed him, and Sehun's heart went haywire. He'd thought he had given up on wanting this -- but he had been wrong, dead wrong. Lu Han's mouth was clumsy against his, but he didn't care, because this was all he'd dreamed about for longer than he was willing to admit. He got his free hand up to the small of Lu Han's back to pull him closer, to get as much of him as possible -- but Lu Han was shaking in a way that had nothing to do with the cold, and he faltered.
No, this wasn't right. This wasn't right at all.
Sehun eased back, stopping Lu Han when he tried to follow him, and those eyes on his were wide and confused. Scared. "I'm sorry," Lu Han sputtered, and he fisted a hand in Sehun's coat and tried to force him close again. "Just let me try... Give me another chance. I can do this."
It hit him, then, what was really going on.
"No." He made himself say it, even though his voice broke partway through. "Hyung... You don't have to do this. Don't..." His throat was constricting, chest collapsing all over again as the full weight of it washed over him. "Don't pity me."
A stupid part of him hated himself for speaking up, would've been fine with giving in to the illusion, wanted it, even just for a little while longer. But Lu Han was scared and uncertain, and he had made him this way. He hated himself even more, for that. Lu Han shouldn't have to try so hard, not for this. Not for him, when he'd been the one to fuck everything up between them in the first place.
Lu Han drew in a shuddering breath, and Sehun bit his lip. "We can just...be friends again, if you want to." It hurt like a lie, but he made himself say it anyway. For Lu Han, he could at least do this much. He could swallow his feelings, could stuff them into a corner of his soul if it meant he could stop Lu Han from getting this scared ever again. If he had the friendship back, at least, maybe he could convince himself that he was okay. He wanted to be okay so badly.
So he told himself it was a relief, when Lu Han leaned slightly into his shoulder, just the way he used to, and nodded his head. "I want to...if that's really okay with you." He smiled, and it was a little hesitant, but it was something.
Sehun smiled, too, even though he knew this was the end. "It's okay." He knocked Lu Han's shoulder with his and said, "Stop worrying so much. It's weird." He pulled a face and Lu Han laughed -- he'd missed that, more than anything.
Part of him knew it wasn't that simple, that he was going to struggle with this for a few more days or weeks or months, that healing a broken heart would take time. But he shut that part up for now, even though his skin still burned with the memory of Lu Han pressed against him. He stored the memory of that one brief kiss in the hole in his chest and took a sip of his bubble tea.
It was snowing, but Sehun was going to be okay.
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: pg-13
Genre: angst
Summary: He wished he hadn't done it. If he hadn't said anything, at least they'd have been able to continue on as they had been, side-by-side, and Lu Han would still smile for him.
a/n: Written for galaexo's first competition, prompt 4. I swear the next HunHan I write will be fluffy. ㅠㅠ
It was snowing, and Sehun was full of hope.
It was hard not to be, with Lu Han sitting beside him, mittened hands clasped as they sipped on their respective bubble teas and let snowflakes catch in their eyelashes. It had been a while, since they'd last managed to get away like this. Bubble tea was their tradition, their comfort ritual that had begun late one night when they were just trainees and Lu Han had come back to the room to find him miserable over a horrible day with the vocal coach. It wasn't his fault, the lisp that distorted his speech and made the instructor shriek and scold until he felt like he wanted to give it up, to give it all up -- and Lu Han had listened to him so patiently, as he'd ranted until his aching throat wouldn't let him anymore, and he'd squeezed his shoulder so gently and understanding. "Let's sneak out," he'd said then, mischief in that angel face, and that had set it all in motion. He craved bubble tea, now, whenever the stress got to be too much, just like he craved water and oxygen and Lu Han.
But that was one secret he wasn't going to tell. Not to Lu Han, not tonight. With everything else, he was an open book, to Lu Han -- but not with this. Not yet. He would wait for a better time, when they'd have more than a few days together, packed to the brim with schedules. Things would calm down soon. EXO-M would leave for two weeks, and then they would be back to stay, for a while. A final round of promotions, and then work on their full length album. And then...then, maybe.
Lu Han caught a snowflake on his tongue and tugged on his hand to make sure he saw, and Sehun felt hope and possibility tingle in his chest.
...
"So, when are you going to confess?" Baekhyun asked, smiling cheekily at him in the mirror as he washed the bb cream off of his face. They'd been doing a lot of modeling lately, since EXO-M had gone back to China and promotions in Korea were much slower, less eager for fresh young faces as new idols were turned out every other week.
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb." Baekhyun swatted him with his towel. "To Lu Han hyung."
"I don't like Lu Han hyung," he sighed, the protest weak and tired from overuse. "Not like that." The look on Baekhyun's face read as obvious skepticism, but Sehun just patted his face dry and reached for his toothbrush.
"Uh-huh, if you say so." Baekhyun rolled his eyes. "Just hurry it up, will you? Certain people have money riding on this."
And Sehun didn't know how it was that everyone seemed to know, without him even saying anything -- everyone except Lu Han. Bets had already been made and money lost, he knew, when a sudden interrogation had made him admit that he and Lu Han weren't dating already, and he thought Baekhyun still hadn't quite forgiven him for that. The good-natured teasing always checked itself, though, whenever Lu Han was around, and for that, Sehun was grateful.
He would do it soon, on his own terms.
Lu Han would be back from China soon.
...
"I love you."
Lu Han blinked, releasing the straw of his bubble tea slowly, and then he smiled as he tipped his head. "I love you, too, Sehun-ah."
But it was off, the lilt of his accented Korean was too easy, too meaningless, and Sehun's mouth went dry. His heartbeat was pounding in his ears, in his veins, but he found the strength to shake his head. He wet his lips nervously with his tongue and tried again. "No, hyung. Not like that."
"...Oh."
And he saw it translate in Lu Han's head, the way his eyes widened and his mouth fell partway open, hand slipping out of Sehun's own. "Oh."
"Yeah." Sehun's face felt hot, and his heart sank like a weight to the pit of his stomach. His tea was tasteless on his tongue, and he tossed it, half-finished, into the garbage bin as the wind picked up and chilled him to his bones.
...
His phone went off, somewhere between two and sunrise, and he heard it because he was awake. He flipped it open, squinting against the light of the screen.
對不起
He knew that phrase, and it made him feel so sick and empty that he wanted to throw up.
對不起
I'm sorry.
...
He hadn't told anyone, but again, everyone seemed to know. They avoided him, at first, Suho essentially vanishing from their shared room and conversations dying on people's lips whenever he entered a room. He hadn't slept, and his whole body felt thick and heavy, his vision blurred and out of focus. He wanted to stay in bed until he figured out how he could possibly feel all right again, when everything he had been building toward had cracked and crumbled in his hands, but they had a schedule today, and sick days were out of the question unless it was to the point of hospitalization.
"I'm sorry," Baekhyun said from the doorway, and Sehun thought that he had never heard a phrase more revolting. "I wouldn't have teased you so much if...I really thought he liked you."
"Yeah." Sehun finished washing his hands and left the towel crumpled on the counter. "Me, too."
...
The interview was a blur. Suho elbowed him every time he was asked a question, and that was the only way Sehun knew to speak. His answers were brief and boring, his head throbbing with the knowledge that Lu Han was only a couple of seats away, and that twenty-four hours ago, that would have meant something entirely different to him.
Their manager pulled him aside afterward and scolded him for being so quiet, told him to make up for it in their stage performance, and Sehun nodded vaguely as one of the stylists smoothed another layer of concealer over the bags under his eyes. His mouth was too dry to speak and he was getting dizzy, and all he wanted was to go home. He didn't know how to be, like this, with Lu Han so close and yet so distant from him.
He wished he hadn't done it. If he hadn't said anything, at least they'd have been able to continue on as they had been, side-by-side, and Lu Han would still smile for him. It was too strange, to suddenly not be able to call Lu Han's name, to not be able to reach for that familiar hand or sling an arm around his shoulders.
His eyes tracked Lu Han out of habit, and their gazes locked for a moment and held before Lu Han turned his face away.
That hurt him, maybe more than the silence.
The lights were changing, and Kai pulled him into place on stage. The music started before he'd found his footing. He felt off and awkward, and he knocked into Baekhyun during one of their formation changes. Baekhyun laughed and played it off well, but Sehun was starting to feel sick and he forgot to mouth his lines during his part of the song.
Then the chorus shifted, and it was EXO-M's version, and he wasn't ready -- not to be pushed to the back, to see Lu Han bright and sparkling before his eyes as if nothing had changed, nothing was broken, and especially not for Lu Han's voice when it was his turn to sing. That voice, so clear and beautiful, that might never say his name again.
He hadn't realized he'd stopped dancing until Kai collided with him and almost sent him to the floor. The manager called for the music to stop so that they could re-film, and it registered dimly that this was his fault, that he was inconveniencing everyone with his inability to pretend to be okay for even just a little while, and he felt nauseous. "Are you okay?" Suho asked, suddenly at his elbow and peering up into his face. He knew -- everyone knew, at least all of EXO-K, and Sehun swallowed the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him.
"Yeah," he made himself say, because he knew he couldn't do this. He wasn't allowed, even though his head felt as if it were going to split in two. Suho looked uncertain, but he patted his back and said "okay", and he went to tell the manager that they could try again.
Sehun took a deep breath and forced his feelings into a box, and this time he made no mistakes.
...
Sehun had collapsed in bed the moment they'd gotten back to the dorms, feeling nauseous and so empty it ached, a horrible gaping hole from his chest to the pit of his stomach. D.O tried to talk to him for a while, stroked his back and tried to convince him to eat something or at least wash the makeup off of his face, but Sehun just shook his head. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to be touched. He just wanted to disappear.
...
His phone went off, after everyone else had left for a big group dinner and he'd pretended to be asleep, and it was morbid curiosity that had him opening the message.
Bubble tea?
He didn't know if the feeling that settled in his chest then was rage or despair or hope, but it made his hands tremble as he hit the reply button. He hated himself, but he made himself send back
No.
...
Everyone knew, then.
It would've been hard not to, when Sehun and Lu Han who had once been glued together whenever they were in the same country were now suddenly on opposite ends of the room, never speaking and only making eye contact by accident. Seats were rearranged at dinner, Baekhyun to Sehun's left and Chanyeol to his right, and he was grateful, even though they were annoying and usually ended up poking each other behind his back or flinging food back and forth.
But he hated the sympathy, the knowing looks and sad smiles he'd catch sometimes, the awkward hugs from the ever empathetic Tao. He didn't want to be treated like this, it made him feel like he was going crazy, and he asked Suho to make everyone stop. "I'm okay now. I'll be fine if everyone will just leave me alone and pretend like nothing ever happened."
Suho sighed and fussed with his hands, eventually settling them clasped in his lap. "Is there any way you could work things out with Lu Han? I know it's...difficult, but it's hard for everyone to see you like this. Is there any way you could give friendship another chance?"
"No," Sehun said, and he left the room.
Not because he meant it, but because that hadn't been what he'd needed to hear. It wasn't that easy, and to hear it put in such simple terms, as if he were a child who had fought with a playmate and not a boy who had gotten his heart broken, hurt him. He knew, then, that he had lied -- he was not even close to okay, not yet. It still ached whenever he saw Lu Han, at the dorms or in practice rooms at the studio, whenever he heard him speak and it was to someone who wasn't him. They hadn't spoken at all, since the night Sehun had ruined everything.
Sehun hated how much he missed him.
...
It was a moment of weakness that had him agreeing, when Lu Han caught his arm in the hall and surprised him with words like "bubble tea" and "tonight" and "please". Sehun didn't think he'd imagined the note of desperation there, in that voice or in the depths of Lu Han's eyes, and all he'd been able to do was nod dumbly until Lu Han let him go and he could breathe again.
And then the regret hit him, the second Lu Han was out of sight, along with the panic. He wasn't ready, not for this. Not to be alone with Lu Han, to be in public, where he wouldn't be able to break down, if it came to that. It might. It really might. But Lu Han had seemed upset, too, and that wasn't what he wanted.
But then the bitter part of him, the part that was still hurt and full of broken sharp edges, insisted that Lu Han had nothing to be upset about. Lu Han hadn't been shot down or had all of his dreams yanked from beneath his feet. He hadn't started the night full almost to bursting point with hope, only to have his heart ripped out of him faster than a snowflake could melt on his tongue.
His head was still a mess as he put on his coat, later, and Baekhyun watched him with an uncharacteristically unreadable expression on his face. "Going with Lu Han hyung?" he asked, and Sehun nodded. "Okay. Good luck."
Sehun pulled on his mittens and stepped out to meet Lu Han in the snow.
...
They walked in silence, not quite touching, boots crunching the snow underfoot the only sound. It was unusual, this much snow in a single season, and Sehun hated the way it reminded him of last time, when he'd taken a chance and had gotten his heart handed back to him, unwanted. Lu Han bought the bubble tea and Sehun held his in both hands, letting the warmth seep through to his fingers as they retreated back to their usual bench, swiping the snow off so they could sit down.
And then suddenly Lu Han was too close, cold nose bumping his as Lu Han kissed him, and Sehun's heart went haywire. He'd thought he had given up on wanting this -- but he had been wrong, dead wrong. Lu Han's mouth was clumsy against his, but he didn't care, because this was all he'd dreamed about for longer than he was willing to admit. He got his free hand up to the small of Lu Han's back to pull him closer, to get as much of him as possible -- but Lu Han was shaking in a way that had nothing to do with the cold, and he faltered.
No, this wasn't right. This wasn't right at all.
Sehun eased back, stopping Lu Han when he tried to follow him, and those eyes on his were wide and confused. Scared. "I'm sorry," Lu Han sputtered, and he fisted a hand in Sehun's coat and tried to force him close again. "Just let me try... Give me another chance. I can do this."
It hit him, then, what was really going on.
"No." He made himself say it, even though his voice broke partway through. "Hyung... You don't have to do this. Don't..." His throat was constricting, chest collapsing all over again as the full weight of it washed over him. "Don't pity me."
A stupid part of him hated himself for speaking up, would've been fine with giving in to the illusion, wanted it, even just for a little while longer. But Lu Han was scared and uncertain, and he had made him this way. He hated himself even more, for that. Lu Han shouldn't have to try so hard, not for this. Not for him, when he'd been the one to fuck everything up between them in the first place.
Lu Han drew in a shuddering breath, and Sehun bit his lip. "We can just...be friends again, if you want to." It hurt like a lie, but he made himself say it anyway. For Lu Han, he could at least do this much. He could swallow his feelings, could stuff them into a corner of his soul if it meant he could stop Lu Han from getting this scared ever again. If he had the friendship back, at least, maybe he could convince himself that he was okay. He wanted to be okay so badly.
So he told himself it was a relief, when Lu Han leaned slightly into his shoulder, just the way he used to, and nodded his head. "I want to...if that's really okay with you." He smiled, and it was a little hesitant, but it was something.
Sehun smiled, too, even though he knew this was the end. "It's okay." He knocked Lu Han's shoulder with his and said, "Stop worrying so much. It's weird." He pulled a face and Lu Han laughed -- he'd missed that, more than anything.
Part of him knew it wasn't that simple, that he was going to struggle with this for a few more days or weeks or months, that healing a broken heart would take time. But he shut that part up for now, even though his skin still burned with the memory of Lu Han pressed against him. He stored the memory of that one brief kiss in the hole in his chest and took a sip of his bubble tea.
It was snowing, but Sehun was going to be okay.