Empty Lots
Title: Empty Lots
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: pg-13
Genre: angst
Summary: There's something contradictory about long distance relationships. The sheer, unadulterated joy in the little things when they're together. Being able to reach out and take his hand, to stand shoulder to shoulder on the train, to make him buy the bubble tea since h i the hyung, after all, and that's how it's done here. And then the crush of goodbye, of "I'll see you soon". The voice that doesn't sound quite as nice over the phone as it does in person. The agony of waking up alone.
Love is the only constant, and Sehun has a hard time deciding whether or not that's okay.
a/n: recommended listening ∞
He realizes now, he hadn't had any idea what they were getting into. It had seemed easy enough at the time. Natural, the way they fell together and clung like static. They had known almost from the start that they would be promoting for the most part in different countries, but it hadn't seemed particularly problematic. They could still text and call, and really, a few months wasn't too long to be apart. They'd each said similar goodbyes to friends back home before joining SM, and those goodbyes hadn't changed anything. Things always fell right back into place. So this shouldn't be any different, right?
It doesn't really hit him till he wakes up the next morning, when it's to his own beeping alarm instead of Lu Han's cheery one, and he groans and no one shuts it off for him. He rolls over because there's room to and stretches his arms out as far as he can, staring up at the ceiling as the alarm beeps on and on and on.
He doesn't like it, waking up alone.
The rest of the day is a blur. Fumbling for words, fumbling through the choreography at practice, with his chopsticks at dinner. He's asked more than once if he's feeling okay by the manager, but the rest don't ask because they know.
It's strange, how much he's grown accustomed to Lu Han always being within arm's reach. Now he is suddenly aware that both of his hands are empty, and when he opens his mouth to speak, he realizes he didn't have anything to say.
...
His phone doesn't go off till the next day, technically, sometime after three but before the sun's up. He answers it because he's awake, and Joonmyun sleeps with earplugs in anyway. "Hello?"
"Hi, Sehun. It's me."
He wonders how the rising lump in his throat is a surprise. He tries to inhale and coughs instead, swallows, and says, "I miss you."
That's when he breaks.
...
They survive on late night phone calls, video calls when they can, and Sehun tells himself every morning that he is okay. He throws himself into practice and rehearsals and makes an effort to get closer with the others. Joonmyun takes extra care to check up on him, and Baekhyun makes him laugh. Jongin doesn't ask any questions and drags him out to dance even when he doesn't think he wants to, because he's wrong and he can lose himself there.
He texts Lu Han jokes and Lu Han texts back 哈哈哈 and sends a picture of his face every day, because Sehun asks him to. And Sehun doesn't complain, even though Lu Han only knows how to make one face in selcas, and monitors the progression of the dark circles under his eyes and tells him to sleep earlier, even though they both know they'll stay on the phone for every second they can.
...
Joonmyun records every show EXO-M appears on and makes them all watch them together when they have time, because he takes the "we are one" thing to heart and repeats it often. The others might grumble, especially if they're tired (which is always), but Sehun just claims his favorite spot in the corner of the couch and chews his lip whenever Lu Han appears.
He likes it best when Lu Han is laughing. The hosts always seem to like him, which makes Sehun's heart swell with something like pride. He leaves a good impression, with his cute face and somewhat childish charm. Sehun tells him later how great he was, and Lu Han laughs for him.
But, sometimes, something goes wrong. Lu Han touches Minseok's face and calls him cute and nicknames him 包子, and Sehun feels sick to his stomach. He only stays to watch because he cannot look away, even though his hands shake and his chest constricts to the point where he can barely breathe.
He doesn't answer the phone, these nights, when Lu Han calls. He listens to it ring with his eyes closed and wants to turn it off, but his body feels heavy with his own inadequacies and he can't move.
He only listens to the message the morning after, and the ignorant "I guess you fell asleep, huh?" hurts him. He turns his phone off and shoves it under his pillow, and he eats very little all day. Joonmyun shoots him worried looks frequently, but he ignores them and says no when Joonmyun asks if he wants to talk about anything. He practices until he throws up. And then he can't take it anymore, and he runs for his phone.
He means to apologize when Lu Han finally picks up, but he swears instead, and the sound of his own voice scares him. But he can't stop the words that spill out of his mouth like poison, the "what in fuck's name do you think you're doing" and the "did you think I wouldn't find out?" and the "break up with me if you're just going to fuck around". He scares Lu Han into Chinese, and he doesn't understand but he can hear the sudden panic, and that's when he cries.
"I hate this," he says, sometime later. He can hear Lu Han swallow, even over the phone.
"I love you."
...
It's a Tuesday morning when their manager tells them.
"EXO-M is coming back to Korea for a few days. You'll be promoting together."
Sehun's chopsticks clatter on the counter. His mouth has gone dry, but he manages to choke out "when?", and Joonmyun places a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Tonight."
...
He calls Lu Han the second he can, and Lu Han complains that it was supposed to be a surprise. Sehun laughs, and it feels like the first time in ages.
...
It's late, when EXO-M's plane finally lands in Seoul, and their manager won't let them go to meet the other members. "They'll be here soon. Be patient. Rest. You have a big interview tomorrow."
The second he's gone, they all creep out of their rooms to camp by the door and wait. Joonmyun puts in a movie, but Sehun can't sit still. He helps Kyungsoo get a welcome back cake prepped and into the oven, and then he paces in circles until Baekhyun complains that he's making him seasick.
Then there's a knock at the door.
"Anyone home?"
It's Kris' voice, but he has the rest of the group in tow still in their airport clothes and they stream in once Sehun and Chanyeol and Baekhyun stop fighting over who gets to open the door and Joonmyun beats them to it instead. The chaos is instantaneous, an eruption of laughter and happiness, and Sehun's heart is quick in his chest.
"Sehun."
He turns toward the tug on his sleeve, his heartbeat deafening, and they fall together like gravity. "Lu Han." He wants to laugh, his whole body feels so light, and so he does. "Welcome back."
"We are one!" Joonmyun is chanting somewhere in the middle of it all, and Sehun feels it for the first time.
...
He noses against the back of Lu Han's neck later, when they have the room to themselves because Joonmyun fell asleep in the living room with Minseok and Jongdae and Tao, and he inhales the scent of home.
...
It's amazing, how everything is suddenly okay when Lu Han is there. Sehun knows he should be exhausted, but he has more energy than he has in days, and he squeezes Lu Han's hand when they manage to get seats next to each other in the van. Lu Han dozes against his shoulder on the way to the studio, and he tells Chanyeol and Baekhyun to shut up before they wake him. They laugh and Baekhyun teases him for being so happy, but Sehun just sticks his tongue out at them and leaves it at that.
The interview goes well, and Sehun even gets a compliment from the manager. He says thank you and glues himself back to Lu Han's side as soon as he's free.
They're far too busy to have much time to themselves, so they take what they can get. Even just lounging together on the couch is a luxury they've been denied for too long, and they sit with stupid smiles on their faces. Sehun steals a kiss whenever he thinks he can get away with it. Lu Han's laugh is beautiful when he does, and he doesn't even mind being scolded about potentially getting caught.
They sneak out for bubble tea after dinner. Lu Han catches up with the shop owner and gets a discount for his efforts. Sehun is sure that nothing in the world tastes better than tapioca pearls, except maybe Lu Han's mouth, and he sneaks another kiss to make sure.
...
Sehun tries not to, but it's impossible not to count down the hours until Lu Han leaves again. For once, he's grateful their schedule is so packed with activities. There's not much time for idle thoughts. He laughs when he's supposed to and sits with his hand on Lu Han's knee for most of the fansign, but he's careful not to make eye contact for too long, because the sadness that's beginning to creep into Lu Han's will end him.
...
In bed that night, they have an unspoken agreement to try to fall asleep as soon as possible, because otherwise one or the other of them will break into pieces. They settle in easily enough, Lu Han's back curved snugly against Sehun's chest. It's quiet except for Joonmyun's soft snoring on the other side of the room, and Sehun presses kisses to the back of Lu Han's neck in the dark. "我爱你," he whispers, and he feels it when Lu Han's breath catches in his chest.
He didn't cry, their first goodbye. But this is worse, because they both know what they will be going back to. Their foolish reassurances before that nothing would change, that everything would be just fine, are no longer believable, because now they know.
He can't help it, when Lu Han holds him close and strokes his back. He clings, so tightly that he thinks that Lu Han's bones might break, and for a stupid, selfish moment he wishes for it, if that would keep Lu Han from leaving.
"I hate this."
"Me, too." And that quiet agreement is the first time he's heard Lu Han admit to that aloud. He realizes, then, that Lu Han is shaking beneath him, and he bites his lip when the moonlight catches the shine of tears in Lu Han's eyes.
He kisses him, because he doesn't know what else to do. His forehead, his slightly upturned nose. His cheekbones, his eyelashes, the corner of his jaw, and Lu Han turns to catch his mouth with his own lips and hold it there. They kiss until they can't anymore, mouths exhausted and eyes finally, finally dropping closed as the sun begins to streak across the sky.
...
When Sehun wakes once, too early, it is with Lu Han's lips still resting against his own. He closes his eyes again, and he does not dream anymore.
...
Sehun is alone.
He locks himself in the bathroom after Lu Han and the rest of them are dragged out by their manager, and he stands in the shower till the water is icy on his skin and thinks about drowning.
...
He doesn't go in with the others after dance rehearsal. He doesn't want to be in that place, to go back to his room and his bed and his pillow that still smells like Lu Han in a way that hurts more than helps. He sits on the curb and stares at the empty lots, thinking about fear and mistakes and first kisses and "I'll see you later", and his hands feel cold and empty. Was it really just yesterday, that Lu Han teased him about that? Cold hands and cold feet that he kicked and squirmed away from in bed. They had laughed, and Sehun had made Lu Han warm them up for him.
He wishes for that, now.
He's not sure what time it is when the phone rings. It's dark and cold, and his fingers feel a little numb as he presses the phone to his ear.
"Hi, Sehun."
Sehun wonders if it's relief that floods him, at the sound of that voice, or if it's dread or if it's longing. That voice sounds so much better in person. "Hi, Lu Han." He knows, then, that they are stuck in this cycle of hellos and goodbyes, this cycle with no end in sight. He thinks about dead ends and cold hands and emptiness, and he holds the phone a little tighter to his ear.
"I miss you."