Gesundheit
(We are in the cubicle shared by KASEY and BEN. At rise, KASEY sits in one of the chairs in front of her computer. BEN is not present. KASEY is tearing a piece of paper into strips, then tearing each strip into smaller strips. She brushes all the strips off her desk into the wastepaper basket. One shred of paper misses the wastepaper basket and falls, unnoticed, to the floor just as BEN arrives with a mug of coffee.)
(BEN sits and exhales loudly, staring at KASEY. KASEY does not look at him.)
BEN
Man.
(pause)
Right? Shit.
KASEY
Yeah.
BEN
Always great to start off your fucking week with a meeting like that. Fuck me.
(pause. KASEY stifles a sneeze.)
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
KASEY
Thanks.
(pause)
BEN
Rick. That cocksuck should do our job for a day. Just give it a shot, for 8 hours. Of course, then he’d have to get in before 11:30.
(pause)
Right?
KASEY
Yeah.
BEN
8 hours. An 8-hour workday would take him a fucking month. Fucking fuckjob.
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(pause)
You shouldn’t stifle your sneezes. You could hurt your ears.
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY holds up a finger as if to say, “Just a minute,” and exits. BEN looks at his computer screen and mutters to himself.)
Fucking bastard piece of shit son of a bitch fuck. Do our job for 8 hours, you asshole, if you can get in before fucking noon, you piece of shit asshole.
(BEN picks up a stress ball and begins squeezing it furiously. We hear KASEY sneeze loudly from offstage.)
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
(BEN catches sight of the stray shred of paper on the floor. He picks it up and is about to throw it away when he notices what’s written on it.)
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY returns wiping her nose with a tissue and sits at her desk. BEN watches her.)
You coming down with something?
KASEY
I don’t know.
(BEN looks from the shred of paper to KASEY and back.)
BEN
I found this slip of paper on your floor. It says “other fuck.” What’s “other fuck”?
(pause. KASEY looks at the wastepaper basket, then back to BEN)
Did you write “other fuck” on a piece of paper?
(pause)
KASEY
It’s part of the word... um... “motherfucker.”
(pause)
BEN
It is?!
KASEY
Can I have it back please?
BEN
Why did you write “motherfucker” on a slip of paper? Is it for a fortune cookie?
KASEY
I need that back.
BEN
Why?
KASEY
I need to throw it away.
BEN
No. I’m gonna laminate this. I’m gonna press it in a Bible.
(KASEY reaches for a pad of paper on her desk and begins writing furiously on it. BEN tries to look over her shoulder.)
What are you writing now?
KASEY
It’s personal.
BEN
Are you writing “motherfucker” again?
KASEY
No.
BEN
You are! You’re writing “motherfucker!”
KASEY
I can’t talk right now, I really need to get - krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY lifts BEN’s mug and hurls it at the wall, where it explodes into ceramic shards and splatters of coffee.)
KASEY
FUCK!
(KASEY grabs BEN’s stress ball. She throws it at him. It bounces off his shoulder.)
What the FUCK. All I FUCKING ask you is to FUCKING leave me a-FUCKING-lone! That is ALL. I FUCKING. ASK. Mother ffff. Son of a ffff.
(she tries to calm herself down, but fails)
AND! You don’t have to fucking say “gesundheit” every motherfucking time I fucking sneeze you FUCK.
(BEN braces himself for another hurled object, but KASEY is quiet, bottling her rage. Several seconds pass. RICK appears at the door to the cubicle, dressed in a suit and holding a cup of coffee.)
RICK (tersely)
And by the way, next time I call a meeting, you show up on time -
KASEY
Get the FUCK AWAY FROM US.
(RICK, startled, disappears. KASEY stands, panting for a few seconds. She stomps to her chair and sits down, seething. BEN sits perfectly still, silently panicking.)
(pause)
BEN (quietly)
I have to.
KASEY (snaps)
What?
(pause)
BEN (quietly)
I... I have to say “gesundheit” or I feel like something horrible will happen to my family.
(pause. KASEY and BEN don’t move or make eye contact for several seconds. Finally, inevitably...)
KASEY
Krccch.
(BEN bites his lip.)
BEN (quietly)
Gesundheit.
KASEY (quietly)
Thanks.
(KASEY reaches for her pad and begins writing again. As quietly as possible, BEN crumples up the shred of paper and drops it into his wastepaper basket. Lights.)
(BEN sits and exhales loudly, staring at KASEY. KASEY does not look at him.)
BEN
Man.
(pause)
Right? Shit.
KASEY
Yeah.
BEN
Always great to start off your fucking week with a meeting like that. Fuck me.
(pause. KASEY stifles a sneeze.)
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
KASEY
Thanks.
(pause)
BEN
Rick. That cocksuck should do our job for a day. Just give it a shot, for 8 hours. Of course, then he’d have to get in before 11:30.
(pause)
Right?
KASEY
Yeah.
BEN
8 hours. An 8-hour workday would take him a fucking month. Fucking fuckjob.
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(pause)
You shouldn’t stifle your sneezes. You could hurt your ears.
KASEY
Krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY holds up a finger as if to say, “Just a minute,” and exits. BEN looks at his computer screen and mutters to himself.)
Fucking bastard piece of shit son of a bitch fuck. Do our job for 8 hours, you asshole, if you can get in before fucking noon, you piece of shit asshole.
(BEN picks up a stress ball and begins squeezing it furiously. We hear KASEY sneeze loudly from offstage.)
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
(BEN catches sight of the stray shred of paper on the floor. He picks it up and is about to throw it away when he notices what’s written on it.)
KASEY
Ah-CHOO!
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY returns wiping her nose with a tissue and sits at her desk. BEN watches her.)
You coming down with something?
KASEY
I don’t know.
(BEN looks from the shred of paper to KASEY and back.)
BEN
I found this slip of paper on your floor. It says “other fuck.” What’s “other fuck”?
(pause. KASEY looks at the wastepaper basket, then back to BEN)
Did you write “other fuck” on a piece of paper?
(pause)
KASEY
It’s part of the word... um... “motherfucker.”
(pause)
BEN
It is?!
KASEY
Can I have it back please?
BEN
Why did you write “motherfucker” on a slip of paper? Is it for a fortune cookie?
KASEY
I need that back.
BEN
Why?
KASEY
I need to throw it away.
BEN
No. I’m gonna laminate this. I’m gonna press it in a Bible.
(KASEY reaches for a pad of paper on her desk and begins writing furiously on it. BEN tries to look over her shoulder.)
What are you writing now?
KASEY
It’s personal.
BEN
Are you writing “motherfucker” again?
KASEY
No.
BEN
You are! You’re writing “motherfucker!”
KASEY
I can’t talk right now, I really need to get - krccch.
BEN
Gesundheit.
(KASEY lifts BEN’s mug and hurls it at the wall, where it explodes into ceramic shards and splatters of coffee.)
KASEY
FUCK!
(KASEY grabs BEN’s stress ball. She throws it at him. It bounces off his shoulder.)
What the FUCK. All I FUCKING ask you is to FUCKING leave me a-FUCKING-lone! That is ALL. I FUCKING. ASK. Mother ffff. Son of a ffff.
(she tries to calm herself down, but fails)
AND! You don’t have to fucking say “gesundheit” every motherfucking time I fucking sneeze you FUCK.
(BEN braces himself for another hurled object, but KASEY is quiet, bottling her rage. Several seconds pass. RICK appears at the door to the cubicle, dressed in a suit and holding a cup of coffee.)
RICK (tersely)
And by the way, next time I call a meeting, you show up on time -
KASEY
Get the FUCK AWAY FROM US.
(RICK, startled, disappears. KASEY stands, panting for a few seconds. She stomps to her chair and sits down, seething. BEN sits perfectly still, silently panicking.)
(pause)
BEN (quietly)
I have to.
KASEY (snaps)
What?
(pause)
BEN (quietly)
I... I have to say “gesundheit” or I feel like something horrible will happen to my family.
(pause. KASEY and BEN don’t move or make eye contact for several seconds. Finally, inevitably...)
KASEY
Krccch.
(BEN bites his lip.)
BEN (quietly)
Gesundheit.
KASEY (quietly)
Thanks.
(KASEY reaches for her pad and begins writing again. As quietly as possible, BEN crumples up the shred of paper and drops it into his wastepaper basket. Lights.)