Live From New York, It’s Speed Dating
I've been contributing to a little project called Sketch War. There are six or seven writers, and each week we take a topic, and each of us posts a sketch based on it.
This week, the assignment was to take a Saturday Night Live character, past or present, and write a sketch for that character.
I had reservations. I figured there were only two directions you could go. Play it straight - write a new sketch as if you were writing it for SNL. Or make fun of the character, writing a mean parody of an actual sketch. I wasn't really interested in doing either.
But here's what I came up with. I think it actually turned out okay, because it manages not to fall into either of those two categories. Most of the other participants managed to do something similar - stay true to the characters, but avoid writing the thousandth Hans & Franz sketch.
* * *
(A speed dating event. MEGAN, an attractive thirtysomething, sits at a small table across from PHIL, 38, in a sharp suit and tie.)
MEGAN
Hi there! I’m Megan.
PHIL
Nice to meet you unbutton your blouse, Megan. I’m Phil Maloney.
MEGAN
What do you do for a living, Phil?
PHIL
I’m an advertising executive filthy rich at an agency downtown.
MEGAN
That sounds fascinating. Do you like it?
PHIL
There are those who see it as crass manipulation of genitalia emotions, but I see it as matching consumers with their needs erotic massage. And if it increases penis size revenue for my firm throbbing bodies, then who am I to argue?
MEGAN
So, do you make TV commercials or something?
PHIL
Broadcast still plays a role dirty principal and innocent schoolgirl, but nowadays outdoor sex, print sex, and web hot monkey sex are increasingly important.
MEGAN
What’s an ideal night out on the town for you?
PHIL
Well, I have a fast-paced lifestyle, so I like to take a woman out on an adventure curl up on the couch and watch “The Incredibles.” I’m thinking a whirlwind wine-and-dine evening, club hopping, and finishing it all off by watching the sunrise sharing a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream directly out of the carton.
(Ping! The bell rings, and it’s time to move to the next date.)
MEGAN
Well, it was nice to meet you Phil.
PHIL
You too! Good luck please pick me please pick me.
(MEGAN sits at another table across from NICHOLAS, a man in his late twenties with a shaggy mop of red hair. He wears a green Army jacket.)
MEGAN
Hey. I’m Megan.
NICHOLAS
Hi Megan! I’m Nicholas Fehn.
MEGAN
So tell me a bit about yourself.
NICHOLAS
I’m a political comedian.
MEGAN
Oh, wow!
NICHOLAS
Yes, I take headlines from the day’s paper and offer up my own skewed take on the issues.
MEGAN
That sounds fascinating! It must be such a rush to perform like that!
NICHOLAS
It, it - do you know - I would say... My opinion would be... Look. A “rush.” If you do... Here’s how I see it. If you do something for - or anyone, if anyone does something for... Isn’t it? “Fair trade.” Okay? For example. Or, or - if it can be called as such, I don’t think you would disagree, or, look, I think you would at the very least be inclined not to disagree... Do you see?
MEGAN
Um.
NICHOLAS
It, one moment, it behooves us... Or, if not behooves, then at least inspires us to, to look at... One thing that... Among the things, the impetuses, and listen, I’m not objecting to the word “inspiration,” but often we lose track of... We fail to see...
MEGAN
One sec. I’m sorry. We’re running out of time, and I just wanted to ask what you do for fun.
NICHOLAS
Fun is, okay, fun... The pursuit of which I can’t help but - right? - it becomes, at heart, a kind of - or a genre of - let’s look at the “significance,” all right? Fluorocarbons. It’s all right there if only you - if you’re able to look up from your - to make yourself aware -
(Ping!)
MEGAN
It was nice meeting you, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
At its core -
MEGAN
It was nice meeting you. Good luck.
(MEGAN sits at a third table across from three men: TARZAN, TONTO, and FRANKENSTEIN.)
MEGAN
(wearily pessimistic)
I’m Megan.
TARZAN
(pointing to himself hesitantly)
Tarzan.
TONTO
(pointing to himself stoically)
Tonto.
FRANKENSTEIN
Ngaaaaaaaah.
MEGAN
I have to be honest with you fellas, I’m losing faith in this whole speed dating thing.
TONTO
Many moons spent in search of soul mate, like mighty bear quest for salmon. Eventually realize that all tents more attractive with approach of winter.
MEGAN
I know exactly what you mean! I just don’t want to sell myself short, you know?
TARZAN
One never know true strength until faced with enraged leopard.
FRANKENSTEIN
Rrrrrrrrrrr.
MEGAN
That’s so true. So what do you guys do for fun?
TONTO
Take in movie. Quiet dinner.
TARZAN
Long walk along river. Thwart white hunter.
FRANKENSTEIN
Guuuuuuurng.
TONTO
Perhaps end evening with flight of Australian shiraz at wine bar.
MEGAN
Oh, that sounds so inviting.
TARZAN
And you? What woman enjoy?
MEGAN
I guess I’d just order in, have a long, quiet conversation. Maybe curl up in front of a raging fire.
FRANKENSTEIN
Fiiiire!
TONTO
No, Frankenstein! Take easy!
FRANKENSTEIN
Fire BAD!!!!
(FRANKENSTEIN lifts a screaming MEGAN out of her chair and runs directly through a wall. TONTO and TARZAN watch him go.)
TARZAN
Me told you, leave Frankenstein home.
TONTO
He just nervous. Deep down, has heart of romantic.
TARZAN
He have yet to show it.
(pause)
Oh. Me get it. Good one.
This week, the assignment was to take a Saturday Night Live character, past or present, and write a sketch for that character.
I had reservations. I figured there were only two directions you could go. Play it straight - write a new sketch as if you were writing it for SNL. Or make fun of the character, writing a mean parody of an actual sketch. I wasn't really interested in doing either.
But here's what I came up with. I think it actually turned out okay, because it manages not to fall into either of those two categories. Most of the other participants managed to do something similar - stay true to the characters, but avoid writing the thousandth Hans & Franz sketch.
* * *
(A speed dating event. MEGAN, an attractive thirtysomething, sits at a small table across from PHIL, 38, in a sharp suit and tie.)
MEGAN
Hi there! I’m Megan.
PHIL
Nice to meet you unbutton your blouse, Megan. I’m Phil Maloney.
MEGAN
What do you do for a living, Phil?
PHIL
I’m an advertising executive filthy rich at an agency downtown.
MEGAN
That sounds fascinating. Do you like it?
PHIL
There are those who see it as crass manipulation of genitalia emotions, but I see it as matching consumers with their needs erotic massage. And if it increases penis size revenue for my firm throbbing bodies, then who am I to argue?
MEGAN
So, do you make TV commercials or something?
PHIL
Broadcast still plays a role dirty principal and innocent schoolgirl, but nowadays outdoor sex, print sex, and web hot monkey sex are increasingly important.
MEGAN
What’s an ideal night out on the town for you?
PHIL
Well, I have a fast-paced lifestyle, so I like to take a woman out on an adventure curl up on the couch and watch “The Incredibles.” I’m thinking a whirlwind wine-and-dine evening, club hopping, and finishing it all off by watching the sunrise sharing a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream directly out of the carton.
(Ping! The bell rings, and it’s time to move to the next date.)
MEGAN
Well, it was nice to meet you Phil.
PHIL
You too! Good luck please pick me please pick me.
(MEGAN sits at another table across from NICHOLAS, a man in his late twenties with a shaggy mop of red hair. He wears a green Army jacket.)
MEGAN
Hey. I’m Megan.
NICHOLAS
Hi Megan! I’m Nicholas Fehn.
MEGAN
So tell me a bit about yourself.
NICHOLAS
I’m a political comedian.
MEGAN
Oh, wow!
NICHOLAS
Yes, I take headlines from the day’s paper and offer up my own skewed take on the issues.
MEGAN
That sounds fascinating! It must be such a rush to perform like that!
NICHOLAS
It, it - do you know - I would say... My opinion would be... Look. A “rush.” If you do... Here’s how I see it. If you do something for - or anyone, if anyone does something for... Isn’t it? “Fair trade.” Okay? For example. Or, or - if it can be called as such, I don’t think you would disagree, or, look, I think you would at the very least be inclined not to disagree... Do you see?
MEGAN
Um.
NICHOLAS
It, one moment, it behooves us... Or, if not behooves, then at least inspires us to, to look at... One thing that... Among the things, the impetuses, and listen, I’m not objecting to the word “inspiration,” but often we lose track of... We fail to see...
MEGAN
One sec. I’m sorry. We’re running out of time, and I just wanted to ask what you do for fun.
NICHOLAS
Fun is, okay, fun... The pursuit of which I can’t help but - right? - it becomes, at heart, a kind of - or a genre of - let’s look at the “significance,” all right? Fluorocarbons. It’s all right there if only you - if you’re able to look up from your - to make yourself aware -
(Ping!)
MEGAN
It was nice meeting you, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
At its core -
MEGAN
It was nice meeting you. Good luck.
(MEGAN sits at a third table across from three men: TARZAN, TONTO, and FRANKENSTEIN.)
MEGAN
(wearily pessimistic)
I’m Megan.
TARZAN
(pointing to himself hesitantly)
Tarzan.
TONTO
(pointing to himself stoically)
Tonto.
FRANKENSTEIN
Ngaaaaaaaah.
MEGAN
I have to be honest with you fellas, I’m losing faith in this whole speed dating thing.
TONTO
Many moons spent in search of soul mate, like mighty bear quest for salmon. Eventually realize that all tents more attractive with approach of winter.
MEGAN
I know exactly what you mean! I just don’t want to sell myself short, you know?
TARZAN
One never know true strength until faced with enraged leopard.
FRANKENSTEIN
Rrrrrrrrrrr.
MEGAN
That’s so true. So what do you guys do for fun?
TONTO
Take in movie. Quiet dinner.
TARZAN
Long walk along river. Thwart white hunter.
FRANKENSTEIN
Guuuuuuurng.
TONTO
Perhaps end evening with flight of Australian shiraz at wine bar.
MEGAN
Oh, that sounds so inviting.
TARZAN
And you? What woman enjoy?
MEGAN
I guess I’d just order in, have a long, quiet conversation. Maybe curl up in front of a raging fire.
FRANKENSTEIN
Fiiiire!
TONTO
No, Frankenstein! Take easy!
FRANKENSTEIN
Fire BAD!!!!
(FRANKENSTEIN lifts a screaming MEGAN out of her chair and runs directly through a wall. TONTO and TARZAN watch him go.)
TARZAN
Me told you, leave Frankenstein home.
TONTO
He just nervous. Deep down, has heart of romantic.
TARZAN
He have yet to show it.
(pause)
Oh. Me get it. Good one.