Notes from the underside of thinking.
Sorry for the delay in posting, I know from recent contact you have been watching this journal because it is "the only way".
There must be some indescreet middle ground to find, there are some that should be in the loop.
Mom is doing well, the chemo is not getting to her, mentally at least. She is worried about losing her hair, which is from case to case a possibility. In hers, a reality that she is only helping. To see her worried about losing her hair and pulling it out at the sane time is a little disconcerting, but all I can do is tell her not to worry .. the more she worries, the more she pulls, which causes more worry.
I haven't seen her in a while, I have been working non stop for over a week and won't have a free day until Thursday. I am going on 12 days in a row, but I have to, I have no choice. It's all I can do to survive in this new world of mine. For 35 years I have been doing nothing but living for myself and I fucked it all up. I had a lot of good times, but nothing to show for it. I have to exist now so others can live, my selfish self is gone.
Cancer killed him.
Cancer slapped him in the face and showed him a reality that he denied for all those years. Now it's screaming his name and he can't do a damn thing about it.
Fuck, I'm too dark right now. It's been over a month since I have had any time for myself. I'm not trying to be arrogant but it's true. Okay, so "this thing" is first and foremost on my mind. Also I have to worry about the household bills and such, then I have to worry about a high maintenance girlfriend. Who then has an accident and breaks her tailbone, all the while dealing with a fever and upper respiratory infection. I am compelled to focus on this because it is the only thing I can actually do something about in the time I am allotted, I can't heal her, but I can make her as comfortable as possible. Her complaints pale in comparison to what I can only imagine is going on elsewhere ... as with many other bitches and moans I hear from various sources ...
"Oh your back hurts, well you don't have cancer, shut the fuck up."
"Oh, your golf game needs practice?, well fuck you, you couldn't wear my shoes on your best day"
Now I'm too angry.
God I need some time to myself.
I have not been alone for over a month and it is killing me. I need to be alone, have it out with myself and go through my motions. I need to build something or at least get the smell of sawdust in my nose .. It's my thing, therapeutic, cathartic, whatever you want to call it, I need some god damn me time.
I can't do that because too many people need me and I can't ignore them. That's my way.
There must be some indescreet middle ground to find, there are some that should be in the loop.
Mom is doing well, the chemo is not getting to her, mentally at least. She is worried about losing her hair, which is from case to case a possibility. In hers, a reality that she is only helping. To see her worried about losing her hair and pulling it out at the sane time is a little disconcerting, but all I can do is tell her not to worry .. the more she worries, the more she pulls, which causes more worry.
I haven't seen her in a while, I have been working non stop for over a week and won't have a free day until Thursday. I am going on 12 days in a row, but I have to, I have no choice. It's all I can do to survive in this new world of mine. For 35 years I have been doing nothing but living for myself and I fucked it all up. I had a lot of good times, but nothing to show for it. I have to exist now so others can live, my selfish self is gone.
Cancer killed him.
Cancer slapped him in the face and showed him a reality that he denied for all those years. Now it's screaming his name and he can't do a damn thing about it.
Fuck, I'm too dark right now. It's been over a month since I have had any time for myself. I'm not trying to be arrogant but it's true. Okay, so "this thing" is first and foremost on my mind. Also I have to worry about the household bills and such, then I have to worry about a high maintenance girlfriend. Who then has an accident and breaks her tailbone, all the while dealing with a fever and upper respiratory infection. I am compelled to focus on this because it is the only thing I can actually do something about in the time I am allotted, I can't heal her, but I can make her as comfortable as possible. Her complaints pale in comparison to what I can only imagine is going on elsewhere ... as with many other bitches and moans I hear from various sources ...
"Oh your back hurts, well you don't have cancer, shut the fuck up."
"Oh, your golf game needs practice?, well fuck you, you couldn't wear my shoes on your best day"
Now I'm too angry.
God I need some time to myself.
I have not been alone for over a month and it is killing me. I need to be alone, have it out with myself and go through my motions. I need to build something or at least get the smell of sawdust in my nose .. It's my thing, therapeutic, cathartic, whatever you want to call it, I need some god damn me time.
I can't do that because too many people need me and I can't ignore them. That's my way.