Thoughts
Title: Thoughts
Pairing: 2min
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: G
Word Count: 961
Prompt: Quote
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: I was standing on a stage in front of 10,000 people when I decided that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’.
I was standing on a stage in front of 10,000 people when I decided that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’.
‘Thinking’ was actually talking to myself in my head. I could decide what I was thinking just as I could decide what I wanted to say; it was controllable.
‘Having thoughts’, though, wasn’t.
Random thoughts would pop up in my mind and leave as quickly is they came. Sometimes they could be useful, but very often they were just dumb and unnecessary, clogging my mind with information like “It’s really hot in here.” or “Taemin just stiffened under my touch.” or “The camera man looks like our manager”
I leaned down towards Taemin’s ear to tell him about the camera man, but before I could open my mouth he jumped forward, bowed and shouted “Thank you very much!”
That action left me a bit startled; yet, I didn’t let it bother me very much. In the end it didn’t really matter.
---------------------------------------------
The first time I noticed that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’ was when I noticed that I was in love with my dongsaeng. It happened during our debut days and it really wasn’t the best time to happen.
Everytime Taemin was near me I had a million thoughts at once, however, I wasn’t able to think a single coherent sentence. Paired with my stoic nature, it made me even quieter than I already was.
The other members didn’t know what to do with me. I needed a whole minute to answer a little question, so they quickly grew bored of me; only Taemin tried to get me out of my shell. Little did he know that he was partly the reason why I couldn’t open my mouth, nevertheless I tried to change myself - for him.
That was the start of our close friendship, which got even closer in the last few weeks. I didn’t know what had triggered that sudden change, but I had of course welcomed it.
That was the reason why I was so determined to convince my mind that no, Taemin was clearly not avoiding me, because that would contradict his behaviour of the last few days. My mind, though, didn’t want to be convinced. Relentlessly thoughts like “He doesn’t look me in the eyes anymore.” and “He didn’t hug me back, did he?” popped up in my head and bothered me during day and night.
---------------------------------------------
The brutal realization came during a photo shoot when we were all waiting for the photographer to give us some instructions. I found Taemin looking at our pictures and taking some photos of them with his mobile phone. “Taeminnie,” I started and softly laid my hand on his shoulder, when all of a sudden he ducked away.
I must’ve looked shocked, so he immediately tried to act normal, yet he couldn’t fool me; I clearly saw in his eyes that he was lying when he said “Hyung! Oh, I’m sorry; I thought you were someone else.” He chuckled a bit and pointed at something on the screen, but I couldn’t see what it was. There was just this one big thought in my mind, overshadowing everything else: “He knows that I’m in love with him.”
It was a bit later when our eyes accidentally met and he quickly looked away that I had to admit one thing: thoughts were sometimes showing you the harsh reality.
---------------------------------------------
He didn’t look up when I came into the kitchen in the dead of the night. He knew why I was there and I knew that I had to start the conversation. Still, it’s not easy to ruin a friendship you don’t want to end.
“I need to talk to you.” I whispered in the darkness that surrounded us, but he didn’t respond right away.
And then Taemin shook his head and breathed a soft “Don’t.”
That was enough of an answer for me, that was the proof that he knew that I was in love with him and his reaction was clearly not a happy one.
After a few seconds of awkward silence he started again. “I can’t do this…” I noticed how his voice quivered at the end of the sentence. “…because I want to be a man…”.
That took me completely off guard. What was he talking about? That didn’t make any sense to me, yet before I could reply he continued. “…because in our relationship I would be the girl and I don’t want that.” His voice became merely a whisper, but my mind was screaming only one thing: “He said ‘our relationship’.”
A few minutes passed till I calmed my mind and was able to think straight again. The problem, so it seemed, wasn’t that he was disgusted with my secret, but that he feared to lose his masculinity.
“But does every couple need someone who acts feminine and someone who acts masculine?” I heard myself asking quietly.
He looked at me with big eyes and I could only smile in response, since I was unable to hide my excitement.
His confused look told me that he had understood my message; femininity and masculinity were not only a result of the gender, but of the character as well; there were many girls who acted manly and vice versa.
I decided to leave Taemin alone for now, so that he could collect his thoughts and come to a decision which hopefully would lead to some kind of happy ending for us.
I mumbled a soft “Good night.” and walked away, coming to the conclusion that thoughts sometimes could force me to admit the reality I tried to avoid, but it depended on me to decide if that reality was true or false.
Pairing: 2min
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: G
Word Count: 961
Prompt: Quote
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: I was standing on a stage in front of 10,000 people when I decided that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’.
I was standing on a stage in front of 10,000 people when I decided that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’.
‘Thinking’ was actually talking to myself in my head. I could decide what I was thinking just as I could decide what I wanted to say; it was controllable.
‘Having thoughts’, though, wasn’t.
Random thoughts would pop up in my mind and leave as quickly is they came. Sometimes they could be useful, but very often they were just dumb and unnecessary, clogging my mind with information like “It’s really hot in here.” or “Taemin just stiffened under my touch.” or “The camera man looks like our manager”
I leaned down towards Taemin’s ear to tell him about the camera man, but before I could open my mouth he jumped forward, bowed and shouted “Thank you very much!”
That action left me a bit startled; yet, I didn’t let it bother me very much. In the end it didn’t really matter.
---------------------------------------------
The first time I noticed that I had to differentiate between ‘thinking’ and ‘having thoughts’ was when I noticed that I was in love with my dongsaeng. It happened during our debut days and it really wasn’t the best time to happen.
Everytime Taemin was near me I had a million thoughts at once, however, I wasn’t able to think a single coherent sentence. Paired with my stoic nature, it made me even quieter than I already was.
The other members didn’t know what to do with me. I needed a whole minute to answer a little question, so they quickly grew bored of me; only Taemin tried to get me out of my shell. Little did he know that he was partly the reason why I couldn’t open my mouth, nevertheless I tried to change myself - for him.
That was the start of our close friendship, which got even closer in the last few weeks. I didn’t know what had triggered that sudden change, but I had of course welcomed it.
That was the reason why I was so determined to convince my mind that no, Taemin was clearly not avoiding me, because that would contradict his behaviour of the last few days. My mind, though, didn’t want to be convinced. Relentlessly thoughts like “He doesn’t look me in the eyes anymore.” and “He didn’t hug me back, did he?” popped up in my head and bothered me during day and night.
---------------------------------------------
The brutal realization came during a photo shoot when we were all waiting for the photographer to give us some instructions. I found Taemin looking at our pictures and taking some photos of them with his mobile phone. “Taeminnie,” I started and softly laid my hand on his shoulder, when all of a sudden he ducked away.
I must’ve looked shocked, so he immediately tried to act normal, yet he couldn’t fool me; I clearly saw in his eyes that he was lying when he said “Hyung! Oh, I’m sorry; I thought you were someone else.” He chuckled a bit and pointed at something on the screen, but I couldn’t see what it was. There was just this one big thought in my mind, overshadowing everything else: “He knows that I’m in love with him.”
It was a bit later when our eyes accidentally met and he quickly looked away that I had to admit one thing: thoughts were sometimes showing you the harsh reality.
---------------------------------------------
He didn’t look up when I came into the kitchen in the dead of the night. He knew why I was there and I knew that I had to start the conversation. Still, it’s not easy to ruin a friendship you don’t want to end.
“I need to talk to you.” I whispered in the darkness that surrounded us, but he didn’t respond right away.
And then Taemin shook his head and breathed a soft “Don’t.”
That was enough of an answer for me, that was the proof that he knew that I was in love with him and his reaction was clearly not a happy one.
After a few seconds of awkward silence he started again. “I can’t do this…” I noticed how his voice quivered at the end of the sentence. “…because I want to be a man…”.
That took me completely off guard. What was he talking about? That didn’t make any sense to me, yet before I could reply he continued. “…because in our relationship I would be the girl and I don’t want that.” His voice became merely a whisper, but my mind was screaming only one thing: “He said ‘our relationship’.”
A few minutes passed till I calmed my mind and was able to think straight again. The problem, so it seemed, wasn’t that he was disgusted with my secret, but that he feared to lose his masculinity.
“But does every couple need someone who acts feminine and someone who acts masculine?” I heard myself asking quietly.
He looked at me with big eyes and I could only smile in response, since I was unable to hide my excitement.
His confused look told me that he had understood my message; femininity and masculinity were not only a result of the gender, but of the character as well; there were many girls who acted manly and vice versa.
I decided to leave Taemin alone for now, so that he could collect his thoughts and come to a decision which hopefully would lead to some kind of happy ending for us.
I mumbled a soft “Good night.” and walked away, coming to the conclusion that thoughts sometimes could force me to admit the reality I tried to avoid, but it depended on me to decide if that reality was true or false.