uphill
He had given up on falling in love. It now seemed like a grown-up version of kick-ball. In first grade he was picked last every time. He did not want to be last. Not then. Not now. He had no desire to be someone's second choice. To be anyone's back-up plan. Best to just throw in the towel now. It might seem like giving up but really it was a self preservation move. Best to give up that journey than end up as someone's consolation prize.
He was oddly alright with this. There were times of course it felt unbearable. The loss of someone to share your secrets and dreams with. The loss of the warm animal that learned how to hold you just right. The loss of sweat-hot bodies interlocking. The loss of the sweet words whispered in the dark.
Other times though he kept his mind off of it.
If it got bad he gently reminded himself that there was not much of a heart left to share. It was a crusty, black thing now stitched back together as if by a blind man with the shakes. He reminded himself that since the Big Hurt the women he dated either never really saw him as he was or were always waiting for the BBD. The Bigger, Better, Deal. They were easy to spot. Easy to see coming. He avoided them as soon as he recognized it.
Where would you find a fetching creature of beauty, grace, intellect, and charm that also brought wise and enchanting words to the conversation all the while exhibiting a sexiness never before enjoyed by human kind? Where would he find A LADY? Hmm? Exactly.
He spent late nights wondering about the fate of his immortal soul. He procrastinated work on his novel. He wondered when the joy left him as he pursued his dreams. There were cities he wanted to visit, events he wanted to be part of. Lately however if any of these things presented themselves he would not have been able to tell you he was excited. There were times he was full of life and laughed and danced badly, but then there were these dark times. Empty times. He did not care for them. He could not escape them.
He tried really hard to make the best out of the way things were. Sometimes he rose to the occasion. Other times he was a horrid mess. It was a constant uphill battle for him, against a vicious and powerful foe. He got wounded a lot, but he was getting better at fighting. So at least there's that.
He wondered what, if any, adventures he still had left to experience. He wondered what surprises the Universe had in store for him, if the Universe remembered him at all. He wondered if giving up on falling in love was the right decision. Or even if it was a decision at all. Most of the time, most of the time, he was just lonely.
Lonely without answers.
And the fortune cookies did not help since their advice was only good if he did it "in bed."
(c) Shawn J. Douglas 2009
He was oddly alright with this. There were times of course it felt unbearable. The loss of someone to share your secrets and dreams with. The loss of the warm animal that learned how to hold you just right. The loss of sweat-hot bodies interlocking. The loss of the sweet words whispered in the dark.
Other times though he kept his mind off of it.
If it got bad he gently reminded himself that there was not much of a heart left to share. It was a crusty, black thing now stitched back together as if by a blind man with the shakes. He reminded himself that since the Big Hurt the women he dated either never really saw him as he was or were always waiting for the BBD. The Bigger, Better, Deal. They were easy to spot. Easy to see coming. He avoided them as soon as he recognized it.
Where would you find a fetching creature of beauty, grace, intellect, and charm that also brought wise and enchanting words to the conversation all the while exhibiting a sexiness never before enjoyed by human kind? Where would he find A LADY? Hmm? Exactly.
He spent late nights wondering about the fate of his immortal soul. He procrastinated work on his novel. He wondered when the joy left him as he pursued his dreams. There were cities he wanted to visit, events he wanted to be part of. Lately however if any of these things presented themselves he would not have been able to tell you he was excited. There were times he was full of life and laughed and danced badly, but then there were these dark times. Empty times. He did not care for them. He could not escape them.
He tried really hard to make the best out of the way things were. Sometimes he rose to the occasion. Other times he was a horrid mess. It was a constant uphill battle for him, against a vicious and powerful foe. He got wounded a lot, but he was getting better at fighting. So at least there's that.
He wondered what, if any, adventures he still had left to experience. He wondered what surprises the Universe had in store for him, if the Universe remembered him at all. He wondered if giving up on falling in love was the right decision. Or even if it was a decision at all. Most of the time, most of the time, he was just lonely.
Lonely without answers.
And the fortune cookies did not help since their advice was only good if he did it "in bed."
(c) Shawn J. Douglas 2009