Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
Exploring Inside the Box 13-15: Created for Jen's 20 Things
I like to listen music LOUD. It's a purging, a complete abondment to a deep and pure sensual reaction. It must come from my years as a singer in various kinds of bands.
I don't get to do it often anymore; it seems to annoy E so I.just.don't. Except when life tumbles around my ears and I must drown it out. Like tonight.
A friend dead. Another in Paris waiting for her sister's surgery; she'll die without it but odds are it'll kill her. Meanhwile my friend's partner anguishes about what to do, nine hours behind and alone, with no one to talk to except me because I keep calling to make sure he's ok. Another friend's father came through a tough surgery today at the age of 86.
As all this swirls around me, my mother is an emotional moth drawn to the sparks of loss. I try to grab and calm her with reassurances that they aren't hers to relive. She drinks too much wine and retreats to bed. E sits removed, watching his basketball finals on TSN.
So I too retreat. To the Studio. With my piddling speakers that are attached to my computer cranked as high as they'll go without distorting. Listening to David Gray's White Ladder. A gut searing audio relief.
"We were born with our eyes wide open
So alive with wild hope now
Can you tell me why
Time after time they drag you down
Down in the darkness deep
Fools in their madness all around
Know that the light don't light sleep"
Slamming harmonies along with, as loud as my voice will go without cracking. In a minute I'll get up and swirl around this space of creation and despair. To stamp and wail for those past, passed, and passing.
Wish I'd brought that other bottle of Merlot up with me.
"Say hello and wave good bye"