Life Just Keeps On Getting Funny....
But the laugh is on me....
Okay so... Wayne and Chardae is getting married and having a baby.... 99% of me is happy it aint but that damned one percent man... im envious.... okay... I admitted it.... im envious....
My best friend is engaged (its a damned secret and Im supposed to be the only one who knows but knowing his ass the whole would knows now!) and as much as Im happy for him, Im depressed over it.
And now It hits closer to home when "best friends" Tessa and J. Ross decided to make it official yesterday. Icing on my depression cake.
Im happy for all of them dont get me wrong..... especially the last two....ecstatic...... But I feel like my friends... the world.... is passing me by. Everyone has some one. I have nobody. yeah I have Jacen but he is my child he can supply me with nothig he cant take care of me. I have to take care of him...Not saying that I want someone to say I want someone to take care of me... But I want to be feel cared for and loved by someone who loves me and thats is ready to be with me.... that knows how to talk to me. That can carry the other half of the relationship and not have me carry both halves. Someone who I can trust and not have to worry about this one and that one cause I know that althought those girl may like him, they have no chance... no gimmer of hope... no nothing.
Julian says that he's is mine... I was like you dont belong to me... He was like yes I do... No he doesnt. Julian is not mine. He wont be for a long time. He said "when I get myself together I can see us being together..." As great as that sounds Im being sold a dream... Im sorry... I no longer believe in fairytales. They dont come true.
I cant sit up here and wait for something that isnt a definate. I cant sit up here and say that ima be with Julian adn depend on that... cause Im not setting myself up for a fall. I dont plan for a future with anyone anymore. I dont even see myself walking down anyone's aisle or being anything more than someones "lil sister" or "best friend" or -my personal favorite- " the perfect girlfriend/wife that is perfect to be with just not right now".... Im so sick of being put on hold... being sold dreams... holding on by strings..... Im guess you can say Im depressed. i cant sleep. I cant eat... I cant write... I cant concetrate... I have no one to talk to because no one understands,,,,
I dont believe in fairytales anymore but part of me still wants to know when my prince charming is going to arrive...
*Shawnie*