Ramblings, mostly.
I'm having a really hard time staying in the present. Today, at the Taiko drums, for instance, I was all over the place. Had to actually remind myself to stay present. To stay there. To soak in the rhythm and the beat and the images, and to experience the present. It bothers me that I've lost my ability to focus.
But I discovered something, while I was in la-la land at the drums. Every day, I make choices, from what I wear to how I walk, to what I say, based primarily on how those choices will influence others' perceptions of me. That's not the important part. The important part is that I realised that I constantly say to myself, "this is how it is, because I don't want to upset anyone or hurt anyone" and I secretly rationalise that I'll stop being so preoccupied with others' perceptions of me, when I move, and no one knows me, and I have full rights to reinvent.
Well, I think I want to start living each day I wake up as if I'm in a new place. As if I'm a new person. I think this could be beneficial for me.
Got asked about pronouns yesterday, and I answered how I wanted to.
Liz got me a pair of clippers so I can cut my hair-- now I won't have to "go" get a hair cut-- now I can just cut it myself. CJ's gonna cut it for me tomorrow though, because he said he would, and I trust him to show me how to do it myself.
CJ got his tattoos today. They look really good. I'm impressed with the work. I want to go get mine now, and I want him to go with me, so I'm not alone. No, not so I'm not alone, I want him to come with me, because I need someone to share the energy, and I want that someone to be him, because I think of anyone he will understand what it means.
I have a unit plan draft due tomorrow. It's not done, it's not even close to being done. It's not even close to being started. I don't think I'm gonna do it. I'll just tell the prof I lost it.
I'm teaching tomorrow. I'm not prepared. I have to write up an evaluation.
And I just remembered I forgot my grades.
I hope Lizbert doesn't mind if I use her printer in the morning, because I have to.
*sigh*
But I discovered something, while I was in la-la land at the drums. Every day, I make choices, from what I wear to how I walk, to what I say, based primarily on how those choices will influence others' perceptions of me. That's not the important part. The important part is that I realised that I constantly say to myself, "this is how it is, because I don't want to upset anyone or hurt anyone" and I secretly rationalise that I'll stop being so preoccupied with others' perceptions of me, when I move, and no one knows me, and I have full rights to reinvent.
Well, I think I want to start living each day I wake up as if I'm in a new place. As if I'm a new person. I think this could be beneficial for me.
Got asked about pronouns yesterday, and I answered how I wanted to.
Liz got me a pair of clippers so I can cut my hair-- now I won't have to "go" get a hair cut-- now I can just cut it myself. CJ's gonna cut it for me tomorrow though, because he said he would, and I trust him to show me how to do it myself.
CJ got his tattoos today. They look really good. I'm impressed with the work. I want to go get mine now, and I want him to go with me, so I'm not alone. No, not so I'm not alone, I want him to come with me, because I need someone to share the energy, and I want that someone to be him, because I think of anyone he will understand what it means.
I have a unit plan draft due tomorrow. It's not done, it's not even close to being done. It's not even close to being started. I don't think I'm gonna do it. I'll just tell the prof I lost it.
I'm teaching tomorrow. I'm not prepared. I have to write up an evaluation.
And I just remembered I forgot my grades.
I hope Lizbert doesn't mind if I use her printer in the morning, because I have to.
*sigh*