decisions.... decisions....
It's been a long time people. I guess I've just been too busy to write for the mnost part. Not much has happened... my life is predominately work, work, work. I did get to go to my Green Day concert last Saturday. Omg did that rock. I was sore from body surfing the entire next morning. lol. Does that mean I am too old to do concerts now? haha. Another fun thing was when the rodeo was in town a few weeks back. Yummy cowboys. Mwahaha. So there was this mechanical bull riding contest at Stryker's.... and yeah.... guess who rode the mechanical bull in a short jean skirt with hooker boots on.... um yeah, that'd be me. And no I wasn't drunk... I was stone sober, which makes it like ten times worse cus I have no excuse. lol. I *did* manage not to flash anyone too badly, and I stayed on the bull for 17 seconds then jumped off myself. So I think I did pretty damn good. :-P But I digress... let's focus less on the few events that have happened in my boring life and focus on some other more important stuff.
My friend Jordan talked to me the other day. His band has its first big show on May 28th. Now a long time ago, I promised him that I would be there for his first show. This is a promise that I truly want to fullfill. The catch? The show is in Stoughton, WI. I'm sure you all remember who else is up there. Yes, yes... the ex. So why is this a problem? I guess it's not really. I could feesibly go to WI and not ever even so much as hear His name whispered, let alone seem. Which okay I gues...
But it's not. See here is the problem. I'm not really over him. I mean, I am but I'm not. It's like this. I still love Steve. I've *tried* sooo hard to get over him. I really have. And most of the hurt is gone. I'll admit that. But when it boils down to it, I still have feelings for him. I think I always will. I care about Steve, and I really would like to be in a relationship with him. It's funny how when you lose something, you suddenly realize its true worth. Well, after losing Steve I kind of went wild and tried to stop the hurt by going out with my friends every single weekend. It worked for a little while but now I am just kind of worn out of the whole going out thing. I have had a dozen guys hit on me and half a dozen calling me and asking me out on dates... and I've gone out on a few.... and you know what? None of them are Steve. I don't mean to compare them to him, but I do. And I just am not as comfortable with them as I was him.
And looking back on the relationship, I see now so many things I did wrong. To be honest this whole experience has changed me a lot too. I have become more independent now. I go out with friends so much more now, and I am focused on work and school. And Kris taught me alot, cus he's like a female me. He drove me *Nuts* with calling me all the time and trying to be clingy. I got a dose of my own medecine. So now I go over in my head things that I think went wrong with Steve and me, as well as his major complaints about me. Well, they were all true. Really. I mean, I think I would go insane if I tried to talk to him for like three hours at a time now. And as far as moving either place, that's way too much of a commitment. What I *need* in my life right now is just someone who I know cares about me, and is willing to talk if I really need them ever once in awhile. And someone I can go fly and see every couple of months. I actually kind of need a long distance relationshp right now. I dont' want a boyfriend that's up my ass, and I don't want to be up someone's ass.
Then there is my whole self image thing. I know it bothered STeve when I'd call myself fat, or he'd give me a compliment and I'd scoff at it. To be honest, I still don't have the best self image. But I've lost some weight, and I cut my hair. And people keep telling me how skinny and good I look, and it's really a compliment. I just feel better about myself now. Why? I guess it has to do with my focusing on self confidence.
There are so many things that I've been thinking about these last few days. I just... I wish I could let Steve know how I still felt about him. I don't know whether he still thinks about me or not. I don't know if he even has even the tiniest smidge of romantic interest in me anymore. Even if he doesn't, I just wish we could talk. It would be nice even if he and I could just be good friends, because I miss talking to him. I miss sharing things with him I couldn't share with anyone else. I'm just so scared to open myself up and tell him. But what do I have to lose? At this point he and I aren't even talking at all. You can't really get worse than that. Can you?
God, I am tempted to reread this for spelling errors and content... but I am not going to. It's probably just a big rambling that doesn't make sense. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts here. Sorry. Who cares anyway. This is my place to ramble and rant. You people just read it cus you don't have anything better to do or you pity me. lol
My friend Jordan talked to me the other day. His band has its first big show on May 28th. Now a long time ago, I promised him that I would be there for his first show. This is a promise that I truly want to fullfill. The catch? The show is in Stoughton, WI. I'm sure you all remember who else is up there. Yes, yes... the ex. So why is this a problem? I guess it's not really. I could feesibly go to WI and not ever even so much as hear His name whispered, let alone seem. Which okay I gues...
But it's not. See here is the problem. I'm not really over him. I mean, I am but I'm not. It's like this. I still love Steve. I've *tried* sooo hard to get over him. I really have. And most of the hurt is gone. I'll admit that. But when it boils down to it, I still have feelings for him. I think I always will. I care about Steve, and I really would like to be in a relationship with him. It's funny how when you lose something, you suddenly realize its true worth. Well, after losing Steve I kind of went wild and tried to stop the hurt by going out with my friends every single weekend. It worked for a little while but now I am just kind of worn out of the whole going out thing. I have had a dozen guys hit on me and half a dozen calling me and asking me out on dates... and I've gone out on a few.... and you know what? None of them are Steve. I don't mean to compare them to him, but I do. And I just am not as comfortable with them as I was him.
And looking back on the relationship, I see now so many things I did wrong. To be honest this whole experience has changed me a lot too. I have become more independent now. I go out with friends so much more now, and I am focused on work and school. And Kris taught me alot, cus he's like a female me. He drove me *Nuts* with calling me all the time and trying to be clingy. I got a dose of my own medecine. So now I go over in my head things that I think went wrong with Steve and me, as well as his major complaints about me. Well, they were all true. Really. I mean, I think I would go insane if I tried to talk to him for like three hours at a time now. And as far as moving either place, that's way too much of a commitment. What I *need* in my life right now is just someone who I know cares about me, and is willing to talk if I really need them ever once in awhile. And someone I can go fly and see every couple of months. I actually kind of need a long distance relationshp right now. I dont' want a boyfriend that's up my ass, and I don't want to be up someone's ass.
Then there is my whole self image thing. I know it bothered STeve when I'd call myself fat, or he'd give me a compliment and I'd scoff at it. To be honest, I still don't have the best self image. But I've lost some weight, and I cut my hair. And people keep telling me how skinny and good I look, and it's really a compliment. I just feel better about myself now. Why? I guess it has to do with my focusing on self confidence.
There are so many things that I've been thinking about these last few days. I just... I wish I could let Steve know how I still felt about him. I don't know whether he still thinks about me or not. I don't know if he even has even the tiniest smidge of romantic interest in me anymore. Even if he doesn't, I just wish we could talk. It would be nice even if he and I could just be good friends, because I miss talking to him. I miss sharing things with him I couldn't share with anyone else. I'm just so scared to open myself up and tell him. But what do I have to lose? At this point he and I aren't even talking at all. You can't really get worse than that. Can you?
God, I am tempted to reread this for spelling errors and content... but I am not going to. It's probably just a big rambling that doesn't make sense. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts here. Sorry. Who cares anyway. This is my place to ramble and rant. You people just read it cus you don't have anything better to do or you pity me. lol