Oct 29, 2004 19:20
I always wonder who really reads this crazy little journal of mine. Most of the time, I just assume that no one does, and it's weird when I go to tell someone something and they're like, "Oh, I know, I read your journal." It's odd that my life is just out there for public consumption, and that I have no way of knowing who's reading.
Yesterday Kathy asked me if I censor myself when I write in here. I don't know how to answer that one. I'd like to think that I don't, that I write about what I think and how I feel. But no matter what, I know that I do filter a lot of what I write. There are two levels: there's the level of censoring that's just a question of privacy --- some things just don't need to be public knowledge about my life.
The other level, I think, is the level at which we subconsciously censor ourselves. There are probably a lot of things that buzz around in my head that I don't even know how to admit to myself, let alone put out there for everyone else to see.
Writing a public journal is truly an exercise in communicating with other people. I'm trying to open up my private world. I don't necessarily think that I live a life in the shadows, but I also don't think that I give people a lot of myself. It's easier to do it this way than to actually speak about myself. I've always felt more comfortable writing than trying to vocalize my emotions.
I guess maybe I'm learning.
I'm sorry if this was boring. I'm just trying to be honest.