Sanity
So everyone linking me to my sanity is currently unavailable, and I am losing something precious.
I rearranged my room, I'm about to (maybe) change a bulleted list into paragraph format, gonna finally do laundry as soon as I feel most people are asleep... What's funny, is that I rearranged my room so my couch would actually be conducive to sitting, so that when I... well, let's just say that it fits into my master plan, and this is months ahead of when I'll need it... And immediately afterwards, someone came in and sat on my couch.
My mind, where is it going. With no one to talk to, and the knowledge that the ex is awake (albeit at work), it's hard to resist the urge to try to contact her. Especially since she called me Thursday, after we hadn't talked in 2 weeks (I had stopped trying 12 days before Thursday). She called 'cause she needed some help with some homework. Had my sister been around, she would have tried to convince me that she was just calling to talk, but such was not the case. I still would like to talk to her, if for no other reason (and there are other reasons), than to remind me of why I'm better off alone.
So I bought a poster yesterday. Of a woman. First poster I ever got of a woman. This poster... she might be the woman of my dreams. She's white with long hair (might be brunette or redhead, hard to tell as the pictures on a sort of grayscale...), wearing a white dress with flowers in her hair. She's beautiful and dangerous and frighteningly sad. The type of woman who would cry out to be rescued despite being damn well capable of saving herself, and as soon as you help her she bites you. Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to mention, she's a vampire. Wierd, I know, but so am I...
So typing this so as to avoid texting the girl. Gonna wait until she tries to contact me again. That, or wait 'til after finals. See, it might be 'cause she called me, it might be 'cause all my friends are unavailable, it might be 'cause I finished my graphical representation of my broken heart (a 3 week drawing), it might just be 'cause I miss her, it might be 'cause I realized that it's gonna be a while before I get someone else. I think of the situation that bought us together in the first place and I realize that it was a once in a lifetime thing. Right now, I have one potential, which I really doubt the potentiality of. Everyone else, either taken or out of my league. Like that one girl my sister thinks called me just to talk. (not the ex, the girl from my group.)
Because of the way we met, because of all the time we spent together, because I'm not exactly casanova... I found myself thinking, I had my perfect woman and I let her get away. Yeah, that thought didn't last long. For one, I know who my perfect woman is, and I also know I shall never have her because I would never be able to treat her the way I feel she should be treated. Not saying I wouldn't/won't try, but that options not even currently available to me. And for two... Maybe she was my perfect woman, but that's just it. She was. She changed a lot. So did I, but that's not the focus of my entry. She changed before we even broke up. She'd been changing for a while. Most of it had been for the better, but ultimately, it all became for the worse. I didn't lose my perfect woman. The woman no longer exists.
But here's an odd little tidbit. One she'd be sure to deny. When she called, and eventually realized I would be no help... Well, when it came time to say goodbye, there was hesitation on her part. Like she had something else to say, or more likely, like she didn't know what to say or how to say it. For two years nearly all our conversations ended with an "I love you" somewhere in there. And most of them ended with either "good night" or "have a good day". So there are a few reasons she could have been hesitating, or maybe she wasn't at all... But I noticed something.
I just decided to text her anyway. Just a "Hi." It'll be up to her if something develops from that. If some of you were available for emotional support at 3 in the morning, I wouldn't be doing this. Geez...
I rearranged my room, I'm about to (maybe) change a bulleted list into paragraph format, gonna finally do laundry as soon as I feel most people are asleep... What's funny, is that I rearranged my room so my couch would actually be conducive to sitting, so that when I... well, let's just say that it fits into my master plan, and this is months ahead of when I'll need it... And immediately afterwards, someone came in and sat on my couch.
My mind, where is it going. With no one to talk to, and the knowledge that the ex is awake (albeit at work), it's hard to resist the urge to try to contact her. Especially since she called me Thursday, after we hadn't talked in 2 weeks (I had stopped trying 12 days before Thursday). She called 'cause she needed some help with some homework. Had my sister been around, she would have tried to convince me that she was just calling to talk, but such was not the case. I still would like to talk to her, if for no other reason (and there are other reasons), than to remind me of why I'm better off alone.
So I bought a poster yesterday. Of a woman. First poster I ever got of a woman. This poster... she might be the woman of my dreams. She's white with long hair (might be brunette or redhead, hard to tell as the pictures on a sort of grayscale...), wearing a white dress with flowers in her hair. She's beautiful and dangerous and frighteningly sad. The type of woman who would cry out to be rescued despite being damn well capable of saving herself, and as soon as you help her she bites you. Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to mention, she's a vampire. Wierd, I know, but so am I...
So typing this so as to avoid texting the girl. Gonna wait until she tries to contact me again. That, or wait 'til after finals. See, it might be 'cause she called me, it might be 'cause all my friends are unavailable, it might be 'cause I finished my graphical representation of my broken heart (a 3 week drawing), it might just be 'cause I miss her, it might be 'cause I realized that it's gonna be a while before I get someone else. I think of the situation that bought us together in the first place and I realize that it was a once in a lifetime thing. Right now, I have one potential, which I really doubt the potentiality of. Everyone else, either taken or out of my league. Like that one girl my sister thinks called me just to talk. (not the ex, the girl from my group.)
Because of the way we met, because of all the time we spent together, because I'm not exactly casanova... I found myself thinking, I had my perfect woman and I let her get away. Yeah, that thought didn't last long. For one, I know who my perfect woman is, and I also know I shall never have her because I would never be able to treat her the way I feel she should be treated. Not saying I wouldn't/won't try, but that options not even currently available to me. And for two... Maybe she was my perfect woman, but that's just it. She was. She changed a lot. So did I, but that's not the focus of my entry. She changed before we even broke up. She'd been changing for a while. Most of it had been for the better, but ultimately, it all became for the worse. I didn't lose my perfect woman. The woman no longer exists.
But here's an odd little tidbit. One she'd be sure to deny. When she called, and eventually realized I would be no help... Well, when it came time to say goodbye, there was hesitation on her part. Like she had something else to say, or more likely, like she didn't know what to say or how to say it. For two years nearly all our conversations ended with an "I love you" somewhere in there. And most of them ended with either "good night" or "have a good day". So there are a few reasons she could have been hesitating, or maybe she wasn't at all... But I noticed something.
I just decided to text her anyway. Just a "Hi." It'll be up to her if something develops from that. If some of you were available for emotional support at 3 in the morning, I wouldn't be doing this. Geez...