6 moths till 21
So here I am 20 years old and still surprised that I am alive. I haven't updated this in so long, and I forgot how therapeutic this is. So lets catch you all up quick, graduated HS, went to stony brook for 2 years, I was going to be an orthopedic surgeon specializing in sports medicine, but I found alcohol and partying and I fell in and out of love which was a complete and total distraction. So now you find me here at farmingdale, majoring in business. I've lost some of my closest friends and to be honest it has changed me completely, I'm still not sure if it was for the better or not but it happened and I cant change it so why stress over it. I finally can say I truly found the meaning of love and met the most incredible man I've ever met in my life. He is perfection, he came into my life just when I was about to stop living it. I was just on the verge of giving it all up and taking the easy way out, its easier to just kill yourself then sit here and accept the torture no matter what you do. BUT he came into my life the day after I had finally come to terms with death. He is my guardian angel that I know God put in my life to keep me here. Him and I have had our ups and downs but regardless at the end of the day we love each other and always will. He gave me a fairy tale perfect 6 months and just as I thought we were about to move on to bigger and better things together and make things official he managed to take my heart and shatter it into a million tiny pieces. I never in my life have felt so hurt and betrayed by anyone in my life. I had gone to bat for him numerous times with many of my friends who I have know longer than him and with my family. I would give anything in the world for him. He promised me things as well as made promises to our close mutual friends and said many things that he never followed through with, such as "she's going to be my girlfriend by the end of the month" which was repeated for multiple months and "she's going to be my wife one day" which was a highly intoxicated statement. After he broke my heart he told me that he didn't see his new relationship lasting long and that we can always end up together one day and just filled my empty hole in my chest with false hopes and promises which is what brings me today to the six month mark. He has been dating this new girl for six months, and I have been his single sidekick and best friend ever since. Some people call me naive or stupid or pathetic that I sit here and act like this doesn't bother me when I cry about it every single night. I am trying to be the bigger person because I don't know if I can live without him anymore. In this one year we have become so close, he is my other half and has saved my life. How can you throw that away like it was nothing? People don't understand him and I as well as the two of us do, but they can all see how bad I am hurting when he cant. I guess I need to consider that as well. I may be foolish for sitting here waiting for my second chance but he is so worth it, or so I'd like to think. I cant seem to move on, I have tried, but he always gets upset. I know he is just being protective although my friends call it "jealous" or "controlling". I want to just be with him. I'm selfish and I will admit that. I miss laying in his arms and our long drives and talks all night. I hope he was right when he told me the story about his mom and how she ended up with her husband after then had broken up then reconnected. I also hope that our two good mutual friends are giving me sane and sound advice when they say that they think him and I will end up back together. I just wish I could talk to him about this, we can talk about everything and the second I try to tell him what I feel I cant, I wish I could go back to January when I met him and re-do this the way that would have worked. I could be happy, this will be the death of me. To think to one who once saved my life makes it not worth living anymore. I now have six months left till I am 21, and I will NOT be celebrating my birthday this year. Every year on my birthday/ birthday weekend since I turned 16 something has gone drastically wrong and it gets worse every year, including this year losing the guy who I loved the most. I am afraid to what will only happen next. Were almost into the new year so maybe this will bring some new opportunities and change my perspective on so many things. MAYBE this year SOMETHING will finally go right. I can only pray for the best ... I shall keep you all posted on the new things that arise in my life and how things turn out. Lets cross our fingers and say a prayer!