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I havent updated in a realy realy long time...and now i have the flu...so i am home sick all week and it realy sucks! The week before was mid-term week where i only had one mid-term so that was okay...god there is just so much going on in my head rite now that i honestly just dont know where to start so last time i updates was like forever ago and i was with caitlin and i decided i didnt need certain people and problems in my life so i changed afew things...before i would always take everything as it came and let people get to me and hurt me and not like they arent anymore its just that now when people hurt me and it bothers me and just take it was it is and ignore it and just live my life to the fullest i dont need these people fucking up this one life i have to live. Well the hollidays came and went they were very good i saw alot of my family and friends and became close with afew people who were friends and now they are like family, they just have always been there in my life and i hope they always are there. They are just great people and i cant imagine life without them. There was also caitlins sweet sixteen and it was amazing and it was such and incredible night with some of the worlds most incredible people. I loved it she was beautiful and that will always be a memory i hold close to my heart. School started again after the holidays and that sucked and then i got sick and was out for a week and that is nothing to object to. So then i went back and i was extreimly behind and that is the worst part and i hate makeup work. I was still in love with the same 2 people that i have been in love with since august so nothing changed there. Except that both of them probably hate me and wish they didnt know me and at times they only like me so that they can date my friends which kills me to see especial when my friend who knows how much i realy like this person and what this is doing to me but thinking because it is them it is okay...that made me cry acouple of times. Now he still like her and constantly tells me and to be hones i liked his "i hate that im single" reminders a whole lot better. Jana had this realy cute away message today that siad "lets have a coin toss...head's - your mine...tail's-im your's" and i told her how cute i thought i was and she asked if i wanted it and i said no because i realised that weather i get heads or tails he cant be mine. so yeah and the whole fact that valentines day is soon is causing me to be very depresed. Speaking of jana she came to the club with me and like 395724543279578278355693578384 million other people who had an amazing time and we lost eachother alot and they danced in cages and on ledges and have bruses to prove it haha i dont dance in places like that because im not a slut and that is about all i have to say on that lol besides it was an amazing time and yeah ... it was that good. uhmmm oh yeah since this whole update is kinda random anyway uhmmm i didnt make company in november and that hurt and probably was my reason for why i gave up with everything else in life and i am playing lacrosse again this year which im not happy about for some reason nothing feels right anymore and things that used to make me happy just dont. The people that make me happy now make me cry and the people i love are leaving and life has just started to become very confusing and i just realy need the people that used to be there to be here again they were the ones who i could call up crying to and they could help me but now i feel like it just agervates them and i dont want to annoy anyone so i just dont. I've been realy stressed out about my grandma she is in and out of the hospital and everyone thinks she is gunna die and that just isnt what i wanna hear she has spent so much time with me and alot of my favorate memories have been with her and i just dont want anything to happen to her it would kill me I just love her so much. My other grandparent are in florida for like 3 months when i just realy want to hug them and see them. I love them so incredibly much and if anything hapens to my grandma while they are in florida i will realy need my friends to be there for me because if i atleast had my other grandparents there for me i would feel some what whole but with all of them not there im bound to be a mess. So yeah and i refuse to go to the hospital and nursing home anymore because i hate hospitals and seeing my grandma like that in the hospital and i just cant take it and she always gives me a big goodbye speach at the end of when i see her like she isnt guna be alive the next time and i cant take it and I dont want her to see me cry or my family because that is showing them that i am weak and they dont think that of me and I dont want my grandma to see me cry because i dont want her to feel like she is causing my pain. It's just that i love her. I cant help it. My grades arent doing to good and my mom is on my case with those too. I got everything taken care of for the end of the quarter tho so its fine i guess. I am attempting to plan a sweet16 and it just makes me kinda depressed and i dont know why and then i decided i just want the family over the house and that is all i need. My mom wants me to have one tho because she knows it is something that i want but that is the last thing that this family needs and it is at a crazy time anyway...with recital and finaly and everything its just whatever i dont care. Then soon after all of that is the 4th of july and summer program starts so there wont be time for it and it realy doesnt mean that that much. Miss. Ash Cine's sweet sixteen was amazing and it was so much fun! I had alot of fun, and saw alot of people from plainedge boys who i actualy dont mind especialy since i hate most of plainedge. I feel like maybe if i change every thing about me that every thing i am dealing with will just go away. And for now nicole and i have been getting alonge pretty well and things are going alrite with the rest of the girls from bethpage so im pretty happy about that. I havent realy seen any of them in a while and lindsey and nikki had a meeting for their club and me and krista went walking in circles in a store where my mom was shopping and we had a talk it was nice to talk to her for a while we had afew good laughs about old times and 2-wayed vito "the ex" haha and talked to him stoned with friends from work so we had a good laught making fun of him while realising some sad facts at the same time. Then we found some cute boys and that was our night i threatened to kick nikki out of my car because all she does is talk to these random black guys when she is with us like it is an insult being with me for like the 15 minutes she has with me for the week and spending it on the phone with some guy that just wants to fuck her.ughh w.e. i realised i cant changed her and i dont want to because i love her and i just wish she would treat situations differently sometimes. Well things have gone from bad to worse in my life and I am trying to just get by and wake up the next morning with a better outlook on life. And i would like to appoligise to anyone who actualy read all this you probably hate me about now. Sorry. Well i am finaly almost done with this flu friday should be the last day and i mite be allowed out saturday and i'll be back in school on monday oh joy. Sorry again if you just had to read all of my bitching i just needed to get it out it made me feel alittle bit better. ♥