Me vs. Friends vs. School
What am I doing? Why did I put myself here? Who am I? Sometimes I really don't know anymore. Recently, I've been putting so much effort into other people than myself. Trying to make people happy, trying to reveal to them things about them that people dislike, all sorts of things. I have this burning need inside of me to feel appreciated by people, and most of my actions are causing the opposite effect. I'm pushing people away, overwhelming them, hurting feelings, the works. I would be lying if I were to say some of this isn't intentional though. I think that some of the things I do are a sort of "test" for my friends. I am undergoing a transition within myself where I would like to be more upfront about things than I have been before. I'm the type that will not lie to people, but I'll sugar coat things so that nobody gets hurt. I don't think I want to have to do that with people. I want to be more honest than that. Honesty is something that I've always taken great pride in having. I've come across moments where my sugar coating has led me to be presented as two-faced and I don't like it. I want to be known as a person that will say something exactly the same way to a persons face as I would with their worst enemies or best friends. So I'm undergoing this change in self, while trying to maintain the same group of friends. The other conflict with all of this is my need; my addiction. I feel completely empty unless I feel needed by people. It's a dependency that I absolutely loathe about myself. I have to feel important. I don't know where this has started, but I've always been plagued with this feeling of insignificance. I'd say it's a self-esteem issue, but my self esteem is strange. I think I have a lot going for me. I feel that I am a great person in many ways. Maybe I have a high ego and low self-esteem. Does that even make sense? A lot of times I feel like I'm under-appreciated in this world and I deserve better. Just saying that though, gives me a feeling of disgust. I can't stand entitlement in people.
Aside from my self-worth issues and personality changes, there is another thing wearing me thin; school. I thought for sure I would be ready for school; I still feel I am in some ways. I have the desire to learn and succeed, but I just can't concentrate for more than short (really short) periods of time. I can't tell if it's the A.D.D. or depression, but my mind just wanders. Sometimes I'll read something and zone out into a totally unrelated train of thought. My though processes don't align with what I'm reading, even if I read aloud. The side of me that wants to succeed kind of wants to cut out my social life completely so I have less distractions for school. That may do the trick, but I foresee that ending badly for my mental state. I really don't want to screw up this semester. I only have two classes, so it's a light load, but I can't focus on any of it. I haven't fallen behind yet, because the assignments are very light reading. School has always been easy for me, technically. I seem to have a problem following through with things. I guess that's why employers look for non-specific college degrees so often. I feel like I should be on medication, but none of the options are feasible for me. I have a prescription somewhere, but no insurance. I could obtain my prescription through other people, but I'm not morally comfortable with that. Hopefully I can sort all of these things out within myself and be successful in life.
Aside from my self-worth issues and personality changes, there is another thing wearing me thin; school. I thought for sure I would be ready for school; I still feel I am in some ways. I have the desire to learn and succeed, but I just can't concentrate for more than short (really short) periods of time. I can't tell if it's the A.D.D. or depression, but my mind just wanders. Sometimes I'll read something and zone out into a totally unrelated train of thought. My though processes don't align with what I'm reading, even if I read aloud. The side of me that wants to succeed kind of wants to cut out my social life completely so I have less distractions for school. That may do the trick, but I foresee that ending badly for my mental state. I really don't want to screw up this semester. I only have two classes, so it's a light load, but I can't focus on any of it. I haven't fallen behind yet, because the assignments are very light reading. School has always been easy for me, technically. I seem to have a problem following through with things. I guess that's why employers look for non-specific college degrees so often. I feel like I should be on medication, but none of the options are feasible for me. I have a prescription somewhere, but no insurance. I could obtain my prescription through other people, but I'm not morally comfortable with that. Hopefully I can sort all of these things out within myself and be successful in life.