moving on..
how is it possible to be thrilled, happy, excited, relieved, anxious and then nervous, scared, distraught, worried, and sad all at the same time???
i dont get it
i should be happy.
i am happy. it's not about me being happy its just about my life as i know it now, and have known it more a longgggg time, changing.
anyone who knows me knows that change freaks me the fuck out
and like i keep thinking of how there's gonna be parties and stories that im not going to be part of and i know that im gonna be upset about it even though i shouldnt be because that is what happens right??
i dunno. i have said it a million and one times and i know its starting to sound ridiculous its just i love the friends i have right now and i have SEEN how people drift and fade when they go away to school and i just can not have that. i reallyreallyreally cant. i love them all so much. regardless of how long they have been in my life ya know?
and i know santiago will never out right say he is going to miss me, but i just hope he is okay once i leave. i hope the bad things stop happening and he is just given a break. im so glad that he has ashley to take care of him and just be there for him. its gonna be weird accepting the fact that im not going to see him like every week. hopefully we will still talk alot though and he will come up every once in awhile but i myself know how hard that is to do.
i just cant lose him. i cant lose him or anyone else who is important to me right now. i have lost enough already..
well anyways.. i have a month and a 12 days til i leave
thats fucking crazzyyy
what do i bring?
the funny thing is i havent thought of logical things to bring
i have thought of books to make my room look nice.. picture frames with the best people ever in them.. a couple figurines cause i could not have a room that didnt have any in them..lol
i just wanna bring my wholee room!!
but i know i cant and thats whats annoyinggg
i have to compromise with my roommate who ever she will be..
i wanna bring my tv and my blankets and my eight pillows.
is that allowed?? to have like more then two pillows??
like i want my mini flower one and my a&w one and all my normal ones and i know.. i sound like the biggest baby in the world right now
im supposed to be grown up right?
im supposed to be twenty years old and mature
....fuck that.
i want my fairies and dragons and posters and idc how gay my side of the room will look. it will have character =]
lol
oh boy..
well expect a couple more entries like this.
i havent gone a day without thinking about this stuff atleats ten times during the day
on a lighter note:
meaghans birthday dinner on fridayy!!
im excited to see her! <3
and christmas is veryveryveryyyy soon =]]]
i cant wait to give out my presents and to see peoples faces when they see the things i got them
thats my favorite part of giving someone presents.
ha im a dork.
ohh but okay this song is amazing and i love it:
"Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth"
i dont get it
i should be happy.
i am happy. it's not about me being happy its just about my life as i know it now, and have known it more a longgggg time, changing.
anyone who knows me knows that change freaks me the fuck out
and like i keep thinking of how there's gonna be parties and stories that im not going to be part of and i know that im gonna be upset about it even though i shouldnt be because that is what happens right??
i dunno. i have said it a million and one times and i know its starting to sound ridiculous its just i love the friends i have right now and i have SEEN how people drift and fade when they go away to school and i just can not have that. i reallyreallyreally cant. i love them all so much. regardless of how long they have been in my life ya know?
and i know santiago will never out right say he is going to miss me, but i just hope he is okay once i leave. i hope the bad things stop happening and he is just given a break. im so glad that he has ashley to take care of him and just be there for him. its gonna be weird accepting the fact that im not going to see him like every week. hopefully we will still talk alot though and he will come up every once in awhile but i myself know how hard that is to do.
i just cant lose him. i cant lose him or anyone else who is important to me right now. i have lost enough already..
well anyways.. i have a month and a 12 days til i leave
thats fucking crazzyyy
what do i bring?
the funny thing is i havent thought of logical things to bring
i have thought of books to make my room look nice.. picture frames with the best people ever in them.. a couple figurines cause i could not have a room that didnt have any in them..lol
i just wanna bring my wholee room!!
but i know i cant and thats whats annoyinggg
i have to compromise with my roommate who ever she will be..
i wanna bring my tv and my blankets and my eight pillows.
is that allowed?? to have like more then two pillows??
like i want my mini flower one and my a&w one and all my normal ones and i know.. i sound like the biggest baby in the world right now
im supposed to be grown up right?
im supposed to be twenty years old and mature
....fuck that.
i want my fairies and dragons and posters and idc how gay my side of the room will look. it will have character =]
lol
oh boy..
well expect a couple more entries like this.
i havent gone a day without thinking about this stuff atleats ten times during the day
on a lighter note:
meaghans birthday dinner on fridayy!!
im excited to see her! <3
and christmas is veryveryveryyyy soon =]]]
i cant wait to give out my presents and to see peoples faces when they see the things i got them
thats my favorite part of giving someone presents.
ha im a dork.
ohh but okay this song is amazing and i love it:
"Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth"