twitching and salivating
I am thoroughly uncomfortable being in my own body. Roommates woke me up about 11. Figured it was late enough that I couldn't really complain. Jenna laughs loudly pretty much constantly. I guess I didn't notice that as much when I was in a better mood. I feel exhausted and agitated. Full of energy and empty of it at the same time. Due to the winning combination of break up, mom, and ending acupuncture, I seem to be sliding down for the millionth time in my life. It makes me more annoyed than anything. I want to feel better again but I don't know what to do anymore. Therapy will hopefully help, but not for awhile I imagine. I have dreams that I have real friends, people I can go to who don't A)listen but only respond in ways that they are hoping will end my talking B)listen partially while focusing on getting me to sleep with them C) listen while i worry that this is part of what they wanted to get rid of when they broke up with me.
My roommates, because I am unable to communicate with them, I want them to go away. Because it's all fake interaction or none at all and that's exhausting.
I met a friend for lunch yesterday and we wandered around and took pictures afterwards. It wasn't terribly bright, hot, or cold. We were looking for interesting and visually appealing things. I used to do that naturally when I was young. I am less and less in touch with my outside world these days. It was a good time, and I came back ready to go to school.
The muni wasn't ready for me to go to school. That wasn't so bad. I still made it on time. It was even more unprepared for me to come home though. Class got out around 9:30 and I got home a little before midnight. Waiting in the cold for the M line who only took us to a bus which shuttled us to the BART station. I did avoid paying for the muni in that direction at least, which would have been agonizing considering just how badly it failed me. I came home grumpy. Ryoga asked me to come over even though I had just been through hell. I said no. He said that was inconsiderate and apologized and then disappeared. Only to text message me right as I was falling asleep. Twice. I should have turned my phone off.
My painting is utterly horrible. I want it to die. But more so, I want to work on it. I guess I could do that now. I also need to deal with this ticket. Ticket of many tickets for which my mom feels free to make me feel worse than I already do. If I started going off about my mom here, though, my fingers would fall off from exhaustion.
My roommates, because I am unable to communicate with them, I want them to go away. Because it's all fake interaction or none at all and that's exhausting.
I met a friend for lunch yesterday and we wandered around and took pictures afterwards. It wasn't terribly bright, hot, or cold. We were looking for interesting and visually appealing things. I used to do that naturally when I was young. I am less and less in touch with my outside world these days. It was a good time, and I came back ready to go to school.
The muni wasn't ready for me to go to school. That wasn't so bad. I still made it on time. It was even more unprepared for me to come home though. Class got out around 9:30 and I got home a little before midnight. Waiting in the cold for the M line who only took us to a bus which shuttled us to the BART station. I did avoid paying for the muni in that direction at least, which would have been agonizing considering just how badly it failed me. I came home grumpy. Ryoga asked me to come over even though I had just been through hell. I said no. He said that was inconsiderate and apologized and then disappeared. Only to text message me right as I was falling asleep. Twice. I should have turned my phone off.
My painting is utterly horrible. I want it to die. But more so, I want to work on it. I guess I could do that now. I also need to deal with this ticket. Ticket of many tickets for which my mom feels free to make me feel worse than I already do. If I started going off about my mom here, though, my fingers would fall off from exhaustion.