still here
You never rise to the occasion, you always fall back on your training. This is no different from all the years under conscription, the only difference is the lack of dictated mission. You're actually in control now to call the shots. You know what shots need to be called, you know what it takes to get things done, the proper order of the planning and execution phases, and the logistics of what is required to complete each phase, and the minimum general time allotment associated with each phase. You can do all of those things, and pull all of those strings while holding your center together behind necessary reinforcement structure. You have been utilizing this tactic the whole time, and you are very very good at it. You made the mistake of thinking there was one source of input that could be deactivated and the slate could then be cleaned. You cannot wipe the slate of time clean from subconscious mental programing. The beginning is something you will forever internally carry. You have to identify, construct, develop and strengthen new habits, all of which takes time. Equal amounts of time to the time it took to get this far offshore. Do you remember how many floors and layers and levels you traveled through to get here from there? There are as many floors and layers and levels from this point forward, and even more that you have not yet encountered, experienced or even yet considered. The absence of a blade hovering above the back of your neck is the only difference between your conscripted accomplishment and the current seemingly meaningless solitary moment. Waste is the only current consequence to refusing to participate. Waste is the blade, the grave. THE BLADE REMAINS. Waste, or participate.